Top 10 Summertime Hook-up Hot Spots
Editor’s Note: We discovered our newest hot chick writer, Magna Carta, via her excellent Twitter postings, which are consistently some of the funniest and raunchiest musings we’ve ever seen out of a hot chick. So we asked her to write for us. Needless to say, she was down.
Now that summer is officially here, it’s time to get serious about accomplishing all of your summertime hookup fantasies. If you’re like most guys, your sexual resume has already been exhausted by cliché spots, such as the beach, hot tub, or golf course. Not to worry, as even the most obvious of outdoor slaying grounds offer options to change things up a bit. While it may be hard to drag a shy chick out of the bedroom and into broad daylight, start with some of the easier spots and work your way up. Some sweet-talking and alcohol wouldn’t hurt, either, but don’t push it or you’ll be back to square one. Remind her that taking sex outside is both fun and risky, and will certainly end in a more satisfying finish for both of you. Below is a list of the top 10 places to get your freak on this summer, with helpful hints and advice as to how to avoid getting caught and make the experience pleasurable for both you and your girl.
10. Outdoor Water Sources (e.g. Hot Tub, Pool, Outdoor Shower)
Any of these are probably the easiest to knock off your list. Although many poorly educated chicks will whine about some bullshit article they read about how water accelerates pregnancy or can make their inner womanly parts blow up, this is complete nonsense. Yes, water can wash away some of her natural lubrication, thereby making it a little uncomfortable down there, but for the most part it’s going to feel great. If you’re in a hot tub and she’s hesitant to move past initial fondling, position her so that the jets can give her some pressurized aquatic stimulation. If that doesn’t get her going or she’s being particularly prude, give her a little back massage and make your way down south to loosen her up. Remember that everything feels lighter in water, so if you’re in a pool you can get especially creative. Try having your girl float on her stomach in the water with her hands on the edge and take her from behind. If you want to get more intimate, have her face you and wrap her arms and legs around you, allowing her do the work. The options are endless, so have fun. Do avoid public pools/hot tubs/showers — they are a breeding ground for bacteria and simply unsanitary.
9. The Beach
This location is probably one of the more boring summer locations one can think of, and if not executed correctly can lead to major chaffing for both you and your chick. So, ignore the urge to get down and dirty in the sand and get a little more creative. Try a sunset romp on a lifeguard station, or even a daytime slay in a cabana or beach chair. Do avoid beaches that attract a lot of families; there would be nothing more embarrassing than getting reamed out by a lunatic mother for exposing her children to your adult entertainmentographic beach activity. Also, avoid public restrooms/changing rooms — there’s a reason why “public” is only one letter away from “pubic.”
8. On a Boat
If your girl is adventurous, this one is a no-brainer. There are many options here that depend on the type of boat you’re in. The smaller the boat the trickier it will be, so this is the perfect place to challenge yourselves. Try having her sit in your lap in a two-person kayak and use the rocking-tendency of the boat to your advantage. If you’re in something bigger and faster, try politely asking for some boat head (a la roadhead) while you’re driving. The bigger the boat the more options there are for privacy, so if she’s shy start somewhere hidden below deck. As things heat up, try to move her out into the open where the romp becomes a little more risqué.
7. Golf Course
This is another easy to one to pull off even if your chick is weary of getting it on in public. No one golfs in the dark, so go on a little adventure after hours and let loose. If you really want to be scandalous, try pulling off this location during the day. Golf carts help to provide a little extra privacy and allow for interesting positions; if she’s wearing a skirt, have her sit on your lap while you drive (the bumpy terrain will certainly feel great). Do be careful about getting caught, as there would be nothing worse than having to tell your parents that their club membership was taken away due to your sexual exhibition.
6. Water Trampoline
If you have access to one, this spot would undoubtedly be unreal. Not only do you have the extra bounce of the trampoline, but when things get steamy you could jump in the water and cool off. Do be careful of too much bouncing, as things could get painful if your girl lands on you the wrong way.
5. Outdoor Concert
Another tricky location, but great if done right. Most concertgoers do not want to see a lawn filled with couples f*cking like rabbits while they’re trying to enjoy a show, so this is the perfect location for some sweet, sensual lovemaking (if that’s your thing). If you’re on the lawn, cover yourselves with a blanket and have her lie on top of you, facing up. Make as few movements as possible or your cover will be blown. If you’re not so well endowed for that position, try some spooning activity. The key point here is to keep the movement to a minimum. Also, don’t position yourselves right in the middle of the action; keep yourselves on the outskirts of the crowd. A quickie in the car at the tailgate would be acceptable, too.
This is another great spot for the girl who may be hesitant to shake her bare ass in public. If you’re in a city, see if your building has rooftop access and take up some blankets. If you’re on the shore, a widow’s walk or deck on the house would be ideal. Bring up some champagne and time the session with either the sunset or sunrise. Chicks dig ambience, and there’s nothing like a romantic view and some bubbly to get her juices flowing.
3. The Office
Definitely the most scandalous of them all, there’s nothing quite like saying F you to three months of unpaid slave labor (aka an internship) than b
anging a chick somewhere within the office. The copy room, a o
ne-person restroom, or getting domed up under your desk would all be incredible feats. And Summer Fridays are your best bet — that’s when the least amount of co-workers will be in the office. Just make sure to say a prayer or two before hand, as getting caught would certainly be the end of your I-banking career.
2. Roadtrip Head
If I were a guy, I would imagine that there’s no better feeling than leaning back in a driver’s seat, windows down, good jams playing, and getting your D sucked by a hot broad. I’m a huge fan of roadhead and have no objection to giving it. For most guys, it’s pretty tough to concentrate on driving when you’re enjoying such pleasure, so stick to roads that are long and straight. If you’re on the highway, don’t try to change lanes or do anything too erratic, and keep your eyes on the road. Don’t forget to give a thumbs up to anyone who happens to pass you and catches you in the act. Also, extra credit if you pull this off in a convertible. It could be tough to convince your girl to do this, so promise her something equally awesome in exchange.
1. On top of a mountain
Summer is the perfect time to get in touch with both nature and your carnal desires. As I mentioned, chicks dig ambience (i.e., a good view), so fill up your Nalgene with some H2O (or lube) and take her to the top of a mountain. The better the view, the better the experience will be. There will literally be no better way to feel on top of the world than by slaying a hot chick against an incredible 360-degree vista.
Take advantage of rides at either the state fair or amusement park. Granted, it could be hard to get super frisky, but HJ’s on a slower roller coaster or the Ferris wheel would certainly be applauded. Also, don’t be shy of hammocks or swings at the local park (after hours, of course).