The 19 Worst Things About Going to College Up North

by 9 years ago

This subject has been beaten to death and this will be the last article about college in the North and South from me. It was really hard for me to hate on the place where I grew up but f*ck it. Hopefully I don’t get testicular cancer or anal seepage wished upon me by angry feminists about the lesbo part in this post like Ryan did. Well, enjoy a**holes, try not to write too many hate comments. A hundred is about my limit.


Previous Stories in this Series: 20 Best Things About Going to School in the South, 17 Worst Things About Going to School in the South, 25 Best Things About Going to School in the North.

1. Snow
I love snow, but I know a ton of people who hate it so I had to put it on this list too. Walking to class in a foot of snow has to suck balls. One thing I hate about snow is shoveling and cleaning off your car. Waking up at 5 a.m. on mornings with fresh snow to shovel out my drive way and unbury my car before high school was not the best way to start the day. I’m sure it’s not for college kids, too.


2. Cold
It will freeze your pipes, make your nips hard, force you to wear 30 lbs. of clothes to class, and shrink your balls until they resemble raisins. The cold is an a**hole and it takes a huge dump on the north for five months out of the year. If you want to risk losing feeling in your fingers, toes, and face on your way to class then the North is for you; if not, then come down to the sunny South.


3. Hippies/Hipsters
Tons and tons of them. V-necks and hemp clothing everywhere. It’s a sea of trying too hard, or not hard enough, I’m not really sure what. It’s to the point where literally one in every five people on the street will have on a v-neck, Converses, and a fedora, and try to get you to save the trees. Like that’s going to happen, ha.


4. Homeless People
If your going to a school in a northern city then the homeless can be a huge pain in the ass. They get on the subways and busses and walk around in their own stench and filth begging every single person for change. So annoying. Not only do they beg you during your commute, but they beg you in the stations, on the streets, and anywhere they can get their trashbag full of cardboard and cans of tuna in to beg you. Get a job, or steal some shit to sell or something, but stop bothering me.


5. Assholes
Assholes and dicks everywhere. Assholes and dicks. Everybody is rude as shit. I love it and love being a dick, but if your one of those Southern gentlemen or just a shy, timid dude, tread carefully up North. If don’t take well to getting laughed at when you open a door for a girl or getting screamed at for bumping into someone on the sidewalk then stay in the South, I beg of you.


6. It’s Expensive
There’s nothing worse then not having enough money to go out or resorting to eating ramen f*cking noodles for a week and a half just so you can scrap up enough money for a tin. Selling plasma or sperm can help, but to sell sperm you need to pass a drug test and selling plasma takes like three hours and you only get $40. That’s a worse deal than the Indians got for Manhattan. So what’s the solution to all of this? Down South there are tons of drink specials every night and most bars offer a dollar beer, dollar house liquor deal most nights. Up north a good deal for a beer is like $4.75 for a Bud Light. Are you shitting me? Down South you can pre-game then go DT and get completely bombed for like 15 bucks including the cab ride back. Up North that will get you in the door and 2 beers. Not worth it. If you go to school up north be prepared to do some seriously hard pre-gaming before you hit the bar to offset the price of beers. Or just have a house party — that works too.


7. Cover Charges
If you want to go out to a bar in one of the cities up North be prepared to pay at least a $5 cover for almost every bar. It’s absurd. Jesus, Bro, if your going to charge me the money I was saving for the morning-after pill for like four beers and a shot then there’s no need to make me pay just to get in. How does this make sense? Hey, dude, come pay to get into my bar, where I overcharge you for beers, it will be a blast I promise. Child Please.


8. Kicking Frats Off Campus
I’m not in a frat and don’t pretend to give a shit about frats. But apparently up North all of the schools are starting to kick frats off campus. Boo f*cking hoo. If your serious about being in a sick frat in a sick on campus house go to the SEC and look at those frats. You will be in frat heaven.


9. Ugly Lesbians
Jesus Christ. How come it seems like there’s not one single hot lesbo couple anywhere up North? Its dyke-on-dyke, Trish-on-Barb, Nanc-on-Joan action. The worst part is that in cities there are a lot of them. They must feel safe in the blue states; either way it’s f*cking gross. I have nothing against lesbos at all — that’s their choice and I’m fine with it. But if you’re going to be a lesbo, at least try to be hot. What really grinds my gears are that butch-ass haircuts, un-kept bodies, and usually body odor are the trademarks of the northern d*ldo divas. The worst part is they’re rude as shit. Like I know there’s a good chance you could kick JoeLax’s ass, but holy shit, your stinky flabby ass is not cutting me in line, end of story.


10. Guidos
Guidos suck. Period. Let me preface this point by saying to all you Southerners that think the North is full of them, it’s not. There are like three towns on the Jersey Shore that are full of them during the summer, as well as Staten Island and Long Island, but have you ever been to Miami? It’s Guido Nation down there so cut all the shit about the North is all Guidos, it’s not. That being said, there are still some up North. Running into one of these Ed Hardy pussie
s can completely ruin your day. You can sm
ell them coming from a mile away. The three gallons of cologne mixed with the 11 different hair and face products combine to make a putrid smell. When you see one of these Guidos, just try not to laugh. Their tight Ed Hardy shirts and ripped jeans are the uniform of the douche. God I hate Guidos. Enough on this subject. Next bus.


11. Traffic
If you’re a fan of sitting in three hours of traffic on your way out of the city after a weekend bender then the North is for you. Traffic flat out blows. There’s nothing cool about it and it’s the most frustrating thing in the world. If you live below D.C. then you have no idea what traffic really is. Take a nice little jaunt up 95 and let me know how sitting in D.C., N.J., N.Y., Conn., and Mass. was. I hope you enjoyed it. Even with the carpool lane, traffic can still be worse than Britney Spears’ genital herpes. I recommend the subway or train if your trying to get in or out of the cities.


12. Housing
There’s literally no housing at any school up North that can compare with some of the housing down South. I 100% guarantee it. Added to the shitty housing situation, most schools up North make you live on campus for at least your first two years, but usually at least three. That sucks. Have fun at your dorm parties.


13. Strict on IDs
Now I don’t know about all schools up North but from what I’ve experienced and from what I’ve heard, the North is much much much harder to get by with a fake ID than the South. Down South you can literally make a copy of your license, change the date and print it out on a piece of regular computer paper and tape it on your real ID. It seriously works at a lot of places down South. Plus you can buy beer at gas stations, where they almost never ID you. Up North, most convenience stores ID, and the bars are a lot more strict about underage drinking. Again, have fun at your dorm parties.


14. Lack of Fast Food
Not lack of actual numbers of fast food joints, I mean lack of a diverse fast food landscape. Up North it’s basically McDonald’s, BK, Wendy’s, or White Castle. Down South there’s gems like Bojangles, Sonic, Hardy’s, Arby’s (there’s some up North but not as many), Sandy’s, Churches Chicken, Chic-Fil-A, In-N-Out for all your West Coasters, and I know there’s more that I’m just blanking on. Either way, when the munchies come calling it’s nice to have options other than the usual.


15. Way Too Many Trust-Fund Pussies
There’s nothing wrong about living off of your parents money when your in college; it’s when you plan on living off your parents’ money for your whole life that you become a douchebag. Don’t go flaunting about how rich you are if it’s all your daddy’s cash and you have no intensions of making any for yourself. There’s a lot of these posers up north. True Bros are ambitious not lowly losers.


16. Obsessing Over Sports That Aren’t Worth Obsessing Over
Squash, crew, fencing, tennis, ultimate frisbee. You gotta be shitting me. Not even going to dive into this one too much but let me just say that these sports aren’t worth the attention. This list of so-called sports is for hipsters, pussies, cripples, and virgins. Next bus.


17. Girls Who Put on Winter Beer Weight
Everybody knows about the dreaded freshman 15. Down South you gotta hit the gym regularly to keep in good shape because it’s hot enough to hit the pool 8 months out of the year. Up North that is not the case. Once the sweatpants and hoodies start going on, the girls stop going to the gym regularly, hiding their flab with their sweats. Come March they flock to the gym to try to get the abs back before Spring Break, but by that time the damage is done. The 8 has slipped to a gross 5, the hottie two doors down is now the wookie two doors down. It’s a travesty but it happens every winter just like Hillary Clinton’s period.


18. People Who Think Big 10 Football is Legit
It’s not, lets just leave it at that. Bring those weak-ass schedules down to the SEC and watch how a real team plays football.

19. Yankees Fans
Where to start. There are so many things about these sc*m of the earth I don’t even know where to start. How about the f*cking 27-ring argument. O.K., sweet, but let’s see about the past 10 years and make the argument relevant. Let’s see, Yankees won in 2000 and 2009, the Sox in 2004 and 2007. Rebutted, a**hole. Yankees fans are always quick to criticize any other team, yet they can’t take it at all. Your goddamn team should win the Series every single year for Christ’s sake; you pay your team $206,738,389, a full $44 million more than the second highest team. That’s enough to pay CC and Jeter. It’s also the entire team salary for the Arizona Diamondbacks, who beat your pathetic-ass team in 2001. Horrible. How about you at least try to play fair, douches. Plus, sweet fan base guys: guides, ugly girls, and that really Italian looking dude from all of Adam Sandlers’ movies. Oh, and I forgot to say, all the p*ssy bandwagon fans. I’m leaving a lot off this list but that’s just because I’m getting to frustrated to write anymore. That’s right, AG, your Yankees suck the big one. Biggest disappointment in team sports.

AG’s Rebuttal:

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