The 10 Worst Types of People at a Live Poker Table

by 9 years ago

Hola, BroBiblers. It's your old list hoe DMtShooter, from the mighty mighty Five Tool Tool, a sports blog that's cheap, mean, unfair, tasteless, and biased. (Hell, it says so right there in the masthead.) Anyway, the Bros have thrown me a link and a compliment, and seeing how FTT is a remarkably unpopular website that keeps me in store-brand cereal, I thought I'd throw them something in the way of fresh content, in the hopes that I can supersize my box next time from Bro Traffic.

In the past 20 months, I've played live poker some 50 times, tracking all of the wins and losses and making over $12 a night. That's an expected value of nearly a buck and a half an hour, which qualifies me as some kind of expert. Or some kind of asshat. You make the call. Anyway, in all of those hundreds of hours, I've witnessed any number of hardc*re dick moves, intentional or otherwise. So here's the fruits of all of that labor, in a tidy little list: the 10 worst people playing live poker. Use it for good or evil, since the sad fact of poker is that being a dick can pay off big from opponents going on tilt. Such a wonderful game.

10. Rule Bitch
Yes, yes, yes, we got it — you are Lord High Poker Expert, and we're all sure that you've been to a thousand better casinos and high-stakes home games than this one. By all means, call the floor, b*tch about the dealer, and get in the grill of the fish that folded or bet out of turn and nodded off at the table. If only everyone knew and played by The Rules, you'd win every hand and/or tournament! Then die, preferably from a “Scanners”-style head explosion from the collected hate of everyone who has ever been at your table. That'd work.

9. Shades-a-Lot
Ooh, you are scary, Mr. Inscrutable! And of course, the harsh indoor lighting could be your express route to blindness, so your choice of bug-eyed welder's mask is required by prescription. We're all buying this. And any bluff you care to make, because WE CAN'T SEE YOUR EYES, and therefore, completely miss your shaking hands, facial expressions, and static bet pattern…

8. Clock Watcher
You get this guy in tournaments a lot, especially when you get to deeper levels, or a room where everyone doesn't have a good view of a monitor, and people are gripping over average chip stacks. Either he's staring down the board for the blind levels or wanting to push anyone who is thinking over their bet to hurry up and go already. Of course, these rules will not apply when it's his big bet on the table…

7. Narrator
Ever want to be on a TV table? With this guy, your wish is made real, with a constant chatter stream of guessed hands and cute names for pre-flopped hands. Your table, you will be so surprised to know, is notable for the level of sickness, tight or loose play, or his unprecedented bad luck. This man alone is responsible for our next guy…

6. iPud
Crank up those headphones and go for the isolation, because poker is a dish best served isolated, terse, and aloof. This guy's even better when he either (a) turns down the sound and just pretends he can't hear anything, or (b) changes his routine for the hands that he's actually in. If you've got enough of this guy at the table, it stops being a game, or interesting, real fast.

5. Down Homer
Hey, you're going to be at the table for a while. Might as well make yourself comfortable, right? Stretch out. Loosen your belt and shoes. Get a massage or a meal. It's not like you are out in public, that the world might not be better off seeing more of you, or that the rest of us will be sharing your meal on the cards as you slobber like a mongrel. Tasty!

4. Blinds Whiner
You know these rules that everyone agreed to before they sat down at the table? They completely suck and are unfair to this guy, for whom time mutates and twists to ensure maximum inconvenience and disparity. Bonus points if you do this at a home game, using the same language that you used the last 45 times you whined about the blinds. That shows consistency!

3. Recovery Man
Congratulations on beating that addiction of yours, and transferring it over to gambling. That's sure to work out for you! And we'll all be very supportive of you as you race out on breaks to throw down your gateway nicotine, slap on a patch or two, twitch off a few thousand calories, and just generally make the rest of us feel all kinds of queasy about being in your presence. Good times!

2. Drunken Racial Embarrassment
Ready to lose your liberal credibility and most of your good feelings about the rest of humanity? Sit down with a drunken Asian who is profane and abusive toward a black dealer, a drunken black guy who drops the n-bomb with more regularity than a hack comic, or a drunken Latino who is quick to anger. Even worse: the white guy who makes constant, borderline racist comments about the rest of them. It's fun and educational!

1. Me
Bet you didn't know that some writer tard was noting all of this for posterity, did you? I'll be sure to get all of your hands wrong in the post-game recap, insult your age, haircut, or weight, and find at least a half-dozen other things to belittle you about to my online army of the night. It's not exactly the fame you dreamed of, but it is a kind of fame nonetheless…