10 Cardinal Rules For Visiting Las Vegas

by 9 years ago


This past week I spent a few drunken nights in one of the most desirable destinations in which a man can spend a few drunken nights And no, I'm not referring to the destination that is Jessica Biel's muscley vag*na. I am talking about Las Vegas, the city of uncommon sin, superfluous lights, and impossible jubilee. An adult playground that every completely functional man can enjoy. That is, unless you are a man who is allergic to dry heat and moist women.

My cohort on this Vegas trip was AZ. He and I were sent there on a fully furnished trip by Diageo to cover 'The People's Challenge,' which in short, is a blind taste-test event pitting Smirnoff against elite brands of vodka. But more on that in a later much and much less vulgar post.

AZ and I have both been to Vegas on more than one occasion and our experiences have been mixed. Sure the trips in whole were fantastic, but certain parts were excruciating — both physically and mentally. So while we were there “working,” we discussed penning a list of things you must know and do before you go to Vegas. After all, Vegas is supposed to be a few days of joy not a regrettable stint behind bars. So, much like fight clubs, devil's three-ways, and high-stakes chess, there needs to be a set of rules for man trips to Las Vegas.

The hot spots and must-see attractions in Vegas come and go but the approach to staying, partying, and losing a small fortune in Vegas will never change. In honor of Elvis Presley, who passed away 33 years ago to this very day, let's get to the list of things you should never forget when you're in Vegas.

10. What Happens in Vegas Stays In Vegas
This is completely cliche, but it is literally the backbone to every man-trip you will ever take. All of your Bros might not be single, but they may be sc*mbags who want to philander in the city that invented philandering, so keep your mouth shut about incriminating details when you get home. No matter how much you want to tell all your friends who couldn't make the trip about how Billy (the guy with the girlfriend) used toilet water as lubricant to f*ck his first Asian in the bathroom, don't.


9. Stay in a Respectable Hotel
There are a lot of good hotels that you can find really affordable rates to stay at, so don't always assume that Imperial Palace or Flamingo are your only choices if you are on a budget. This rule is even more important if your trip is during the summer, since only guests get free admission into the good pools. And believe me, you want to be at the best pools. Do yourself a favor and spend that extra $40 a night and stay at the hotel with the pool you want to party at rather than sleeping in a room that has probably seen its fair share of hooker-related deaths.

If you happen to hate the Vegas heat and you only want to go during the winter, trade in the hotel's that are known for their pools and insert the ones that are renowned for having the best sportsbooks or casinos in general. If you want a guide on how to do a Vegas trip that revolves around all things sports with debauchery sprinkled in, and if you have the time to read something the length of the Bible, then check out this article by Bill Simmons.

8. Never Leave Your Blacked-Out Friend
The city may seem like a lawless playground where one can do whatever it takes to get an erection, but sadly that's not always the case. If you have your wits about you, but your friend requires a babysitter and possibly a diaper, put him in bed before he wanders off and hurts himself or ends up handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser with his head in a cardboard box. If he shits himself before you get him to the room, leave him for dead.

7. Bring Money, and Lots of It.
Never go to Vegas with the mentality that you can get by on $100 a day. If you are rolling with all dudes and you didn't plan ahead, you'll piss that $100 away just greasing the bouncer and paying the cover charge to get into a club. The city is expensive, and all there is to do is spend money so don't be that a**hole who brings the clouds.

6. Don't Overstay Your Welcome
Vegas is a costly affair and running through a 72-hour gauntlet of straight booze will begin to take its toll. Basically, the longer you stay the more likely you are to regret that choice. Three nights is the perfect amount of time.

Click below to see the rest of the list!

5. Go to 21 & Over Pools
This rule feeds directly off of #9 and is vital to day-drinking enjoyment. The best part about 21-and-over pools isn't even the fact that most of them are topl*ss (because you can see tits anywhere these days); it's that there aren't any shit-bag children running around trying to ruin your buzz. These are also the perfect place to lay ground work with a few ladies for the evening or have yourself a day f*ck.


4. Set a Limit For Yourself
This “limits” rule strictly pertains to gambling. Whether you can afford to lose $100 a day or $1,000, set a limit and adhere to it. You don't want to ruin the rest of your trip by dwelling on how you won't be able to buy food this month.

3. Don't Pay For Sex
(Note: If you suck at getting laid or you just want to f*ck a prosty, disregard this rule entirely.) You will get approached by at least one hooker during any trip to Vegas. These lecherous creatures will come at you from all angles and they will attack in any setting making it seem like they are just out to party. Unlike the hookers you see in movies or Germany, Vegas 'tutes oftentimes dress like hot chicks hitting the town for a night out. This rear-view mirror illusion can fool you to thinking that these objects are as they appear, but, trust me, they are not. If a chick approaches you and you think she might be a bonafied hoe ask her a few invasive questions about her trip before you buy her a drink. 

2. Target Bachelorette Parties
These chicks are all looking for a good time. And they come in bunches, which makes it easier for your entire group of guys to approach them. Be a pal and save the bride-to-be for your buddy that has no moral compass.


1. What Happens In Vegas Stays in Vegas
I am well aware that this is redundant but before you board the plane until the moment you return from Vegas, brand that phrase into your thick heads and live by it. You just spent the last few days not using your brain so it should be well rested enough to absorb this logic. Orchestrate believable lies, don't tag questionable photos on Facebook, and, if you're single, find ways to keep your yapper sealed about other peoples' misguided actions. You might be an unshackled beast but that doesn't mean its O.K. to ruin your buddy's relationship. He's a big boy and he can do that on his own. This old tagline should literally serve as the bookends to any trip you make to Sin City.

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