Top 10 Ways to Survive a Road Trip Alone
Editor’s Note: About half of the items on this list are probably illegal in some states and/or are incredibly dangerous (text messaging in particular). So although we don’t officially condone any of this, that doesn’t mean we won’t share with you Waffles’ brilliance.
One of the great things about having friends, especially bros, is taking road trips. Spring Break notwithstanding, nothing beats packing up one of your buddy’s gas-guzzling SUVs, flipping a resounding bird to Al Gore and the environment, and taking a 1,000-mile road trip to whatever destination your heart desires.
As you all have probably seen in the cinematic masterpiece, “Road Trip,” or if you have friends (who aren’t drowning in doucheyness) of your own, you know that taking a road trip with your bros is down right awesome. On a bro trip, if you will something to happen, it will truly happen — sex, drugs, lawlessness, running out of gas, you name it. Fuck the sky because limits on road trips are like condoms on road trips — there are none. Limits are for are for losers and the socially inept. Trust that.
Sadly, however, there might come a time when we are forced to travel alone, whether we hit the open road to visit family or just to drive back to Dewey Beach to take care of some legal matters stemming from a sodomy incident we’d rather not talk about. So what is a guy to do during these long road trips when he can’t find a bro to tag along, or even a girl who not only has had her vocal chords removed but also finds joy in administering fellatio for hours on end? We cope the best way we can. Here are some of those ways:
1. Jerk off It’s pleasurable, time-consuming, and selfish, what else could you ask for? When jerking and driving, SUVs work the best because they are high enough to prevent you from missing a beat when some douchebag is zipping past you in his souped-up Civic. Keep in mind that it is a good idea to have something to shoot your load in (bottle, cup, ashtray, etc.) or wipe your c*m up with, unless you’ve always dreamed of having a tackified steering column.
2. Smoke pot Maybe don’t do it while you’re driving, but is there any foreseeable harm in toking up before a long car ride? Well, there probably is, but should that stop you? Eh, maybe it should. But just let Jesus take the wheel and you’ll be fine. And by “Jesus” I mean your left knee.
[inline:waffles]3. Text message girls at your destination Going home to see your folks? Why not line up some late-night p*ssy for when mom and pop fall asleep? Take a trip down memory lane and blow your load between the cushions of their couch while you’re at it.
4. Dip (or sunflower seeds for you lip cancer-fearing pussies) This is a superb alternative to jerking off, especially when you are looking to keep yourself from dozing off at the wheel. All you need is a fresh tin (or a bag of seeds) and a bottle or cup to help compile your spit. If you’re a real man, just swallow it all and barf out the window if need be.
5. Speed Put the pedal to the floor and try to hit speeds so high that if you hit a tree or a bridge embankment the clean-up crew will be talking about the horror of your dismembered person for years. If you value your life, maybe take it a little slower. Queer.
6. Call a long-lost bro I hate talking on the phone, even to my mother. In fact, my parents are just about the only people who I’ll talk to on the phone except for when I take a long road trip. In the car, I can kill substantial amounts of time calling up friends who I haven’t talked to in a while. Not only does this build some goodwill, but now the burden is on them to keep in touch with you.
7. One-man karaoke Don’t kid yourself, you sound awesome. Should you be ashamed that you are belting out a Kelly Clarkson song at the top of your lungs? Probably.
8. Listen to an audio book Yes, I am seriously suggesting this, but only under dire circ*mstances like when you can’t listen to music anymore, your high has worn off, and your dick is blistering from all the whacking off. If books aren’t your thing, do what I do and come prepared with a couple bootlegged comedy CDs to listen to.
9. Take a piss Men don’t stop to take a piss. And you’re a man aren’t you? Grab the bottle or cup that you previously filled up with dip spit and top it off with your urine. Once you’re relieved, carelessly fling it out the window on to the interstate. If you get pulled over for this, tell the dickbag pig that just inconvenienced your day that Waffles told you to do it.
10. Think About whatever the f*ck you want: Girls, work, sex, dreams, etc. Alone time is rare, unless you work from home, lack friends, or take painstakingly long shits, so use the time to clear your head. If you are too tired to think or somehow incapable, just sit there and revel in the smell of your own farts. You know you love it.