Waffles McButters’ Top 10 Things to Do If You Become Unemployed
[inline:bum]Roughly 6 months ago, the economy was tanking, jobs were being snatched from our grasps at record paces, and I had about 20 less women under my distinguished belt. Those, Officer Friday, are just the facts.
Today, even though the market is bouncing back and there seems to be more jobs, there are still people out of work or being laid off everyday. Amazingly, my sexual economy hasn’t slowed down and I somehow managed to remain employed even though I can’t possibly be any less affable or underachieve anymore at my job. My family is even astonished by my gainful employment.
Each day, throughout this great country, men and women go to their jobs, worrying whether or not their livelihood is going to be stolen from them. Stolen without cause or regard for their well-being — much like the way I go about romancing a woman, I might add. In my humblest of opinions, I think all this worrying is being done in vain. I have come to realize that no matter the level of effort you choose to convey, dumb luck is probably the only reason you are still employed, or not. After all, if history has taught us anything, it’s that everyone, aside from the guy with the thickest shaft in the adult entertainment industry, is expendable.
If you have fallen on hard times take a moment and realize that this is not your fault. You are still awesome, and, in my opinion, the blame should fall solely on the CEO or anyone else who makes more money than you. Why is that? I don’t have a definitive answer, but I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that it’s not the fault of Joan from Accounts Receivables that no one wants to buy the stupid product that the CEO signed off on. Is it? Sure Joan can be off-putting at times and forces coworkers into conversations about how her cat is her soul mate, but Joan is 58 years old, single, and has a face that looks like a peeled orange; give her a f*cking break, ya jerk. Blame that b*tch for your sleep apnea, but she, much like the countless other who have been let go, certainly isn’t the reason that the company’s stock price has hit a 30-year low.
So if your boss gave you your walkin’ papers (like ugly ass Joan), here are a few nifty ways to get back on your feet or to just enjoy your unemployed days.
(Note: You’ll notice that I have left out doing drugs, drinking, and masturbating. You should be doing those if you are employed and even more so if you are not. If your father didn’t tell you that when you were a child, then shame on him.)
1. Collect Unemployment
Consider this milking of the governments’ tit for the next 13 months early retribution for the Social Security you will never receive in retirement. Remember that you are only eligible to collect if you lose your job due to lay-offs or something similar. So if you try to embezzle money or you posterize your boss’s face with your fist, Uncle Sam won’t open his blouse and let you suck on those sweet pepperoni-shaped n*pples of his.
[inline:waffles]2. Get a Job
You have plenty of time (13 months) to find something stable, so don’t be too overzealous. For now, set the bar really low, as you have probably done your entire life — thus your current predicament. Also, definitely get a job that pays under the table like bartending, being a male escort/str*pper, or becoming a beer liaison for the underage. Come to think of it, those all look like pretty sweet gigs from this vantage point.
3. Travel Abroad
In countries like Australia, our accent is as sexual as to them as theirs is to us. If you have some savings or you are raking in a nice severance, treat yourself. Worst case scenario you knock up a smoking hot Australian model. Strike that. Best case scenario you knock up a smoking hot Australian model. I’ll let you imagine your own personal worst case scenario but do me a favor and include you getting raped and then stoned to death in your final draft.
4. Join the Army
Naw, I’m just kidding. That’s just crazy talk. Next thing you know I’ll be telling you to volunteer! I must need a coffee break.
(O.K., I’m back. I took a 10-minute break, talked to this saucy little Colombian I have been fooling around with and now I’m refreshed and ready to finish this list.)
5. Write a Book/Blog
It’s not that hard. As long as you have a half decent education and your dad isn’t Doug Flutie, I’d imagine just about anyone can string together a coherent sentence or two. Take me for instance: I suffer from some sort of retardation and I do it. Hell, I’d even argue that if I were unemployed and I could somehow find a way to keep my jerking off and womanizing to an absolute minimum, I’m pretty sure I could write an entire book. The book, however, would be about my love of jerking off and womanizing…
You’re out of work, you have zero job leads, you’re bored to tears, and at this point you’re pretty much an all-world dead-beat. So why not add a few logs to the shit pile and become a womanizer, too? Girls have hearts and they will certainly take pity on a downtrodden man who has been struck with misfortune. Ask them to lunch and with luck, pity will equal them paying for your lunch and then giving you sex. Here comes the brilliant part: Since you’re a loser with no job, there will likely be no strings attached — unless it’s an umbilical cord nine months later.
7. Hit the Gym
If you are not totally stoked about being unemployed, you should probably workout so you can release some positive endorphins in your brain. Sitting at home dwelling about how much you suck will surely cause you to slip into a state of deep depression, which will result in you ramming a bazooka up your former boss’s ass and sending his insides into orbit. Another added benefit from working out, aside from not being a psycho killer, is getting in superior shape. If you do three months worth of two-a-days and incorporate a sound nutritional program, you’ll be nothin’ but twisted steel and sex appeal by the time spring comes.
8. Learn a Craft
I’ll admit, this is a stupid idea because unless you are enrolling into Johnson Technical Institute, what the f*ck could you possibly learn? It’s not like you are going to make a living being a cobbler or a f*cking chimney sweep. Do yourself a favor and just learn how to be the man in the bedroom and how to communicate better with other people. Whacking off and talking to yourself are easy (and often times great) but both are kind of sad if done at an extreme level. Perfecting your f*ck and your social skills will certainly take you further in today’s society than any of the archaic crafts from the days of yore.
9. Resort to Crime
Shoplifting, armed robbery, purse snatching, and the like are sensational ways to supplement your income and cut back on your expenses. I almost forgot, selling drugs, especially hardc*re narcotics… Lucrative!!! [Editor’s note: Ummmmm…]
10. Go back to school… full time!
The point is, bros, I’m not asking you to be proud of your unemployment; I’m just asking you to enjoy it because your time is precious. A wise and noble man once said, “Life is short, enjoy every sandwich.” And by “sandwich” I’m pretty sure he meant “load that you blow.” “