How To Tell How Far You’ll Get With a Girl Based on Her Halloween Costume
[inline:muffs]Remember way, way back in the day, before that a**hole in elementary school ruined it for everyone, when you thought Santa Claus was real? And you built up the excitement for at least a month until the fateful morning when you sprinted into your living room to see the gifts piled under the tree? (Authors’ note: sorry to any non-Christian readers. There isn’t a better analogy for this.) When you’re young, there are few instances, if any, that rival that experience.
Then there’s a point when you realize Santa isn’t real, and that sucks for awhile. Those are the dark years. But they end when you come out the other side and realize that, while Christmas never quite feels the same, there is a new day that rivals that initial Christmas feeling. That day, of course, is Halloween.
Why, you ask? Well, there have been countless articles about how Halloween gives even relatively reserved young women the free license to let their inner sl*t flags fly freely with minimal backlash. That particular phenomenon is well-doc*mented and, frankly, if you can’t figure out why that makes Halloween the testosterone-filled New Christmas for any red blooded American male, you should not be on this web site, let alone reading this article. We’d like to go a step further and create a guide for determining just how truly sl*tty a girl is based on her costume. We know that like Christmas, Halloween goes fast and you have limited hours, so we want you to make smart and informed decisions about who to grace with your wit and wisdom for maximum return on your p*ssy-hunting investment.
Note that the photos below are mostly actual costumes available at Ricky’s and are clearly best-case scenarios. In rank order from least likely to most likely to give it up :
[inline:witch2]The Old and Ugly
These are the girls who go all out and throw themselves so deeply into the costume for authenticity purposes that they completely cover and/or disfigure themselves. Like the chick who dresses up as a witch and uses a fake wart. Or someone dressed as one of the Golden Girls. Or whatever. At any rate, this is probably fairly obvious — PASS. Granted, the girl under that make-up might be totally smoking hot, but no female with an acceptable sense of adventure lets the opportunity to dress like a ho without consequences go by.
Let me tell you, any girl dressed as royalty on Halloween has an unrequited desire to actually BE royalty. And because she gets to dress like a queen/princess/duchess, she gets to act like one, too, to really live the costume. Which means she’ll probably be acting like a spoiled b*tch that orders you around. Sounds awesome. PASS.
[inline:cop] [inline:fire] [inline:nurs2]
This is a shout-out to all of the women walking around as someone from law enforcement, nurses, flight attendants, etc. You’ve probably got a decent shot at these — they tend to be low on imagination, but average on likelihood to put out. Add in the alcohol usually fueling Halloween night, and you’ve got a pretty good recipe for success. However, there are factors battling each other with these types of costumes that could be contributing factors to a night of either awesomeness or “meh.” Awesomeness could result from the props that often accompany these costumes (hello, handcuffs) and the easy opening line (“Nurse, I’ve got some swelling down here — I think I need a physical”). “Meh” because predictability in costumes might lead to boring conversations and lackluster bedroom skills. Proceed with caution.
Funny, Topical Costumes
This category is a tough one — think Octomom with 8 little babies plastered to her, or Kate Gosselin with a gold dollar chain hanging around her neck (and 8 little kids plastered to her). The reason these are so hard is that you’re essentially taking a leap of faith on looks, but assigning lots of points for personality and creativity. Here’s our assessment on this: If you’re looking for a one-night f*ckfest, pass over these girls, for their sake as well as yours. If you’re looking for more than that, this is a ripe category for future satisfaction.
Superheroes (and we’re lumping female action heroes in here) are an excellent mid-range bet for your Halloween night out. When you think about female super heroines — Catwoman, Elektra, Supergirl, Sue Storm, Lara Croft, etc. — what do you think about? We think: tight costumes, in-shape women… tight costumes. (We also think of superhot actresses, but that’s beside the point and for a future column). Keep in mind that super heroines probably take more work to wear down because, again, girls tend to pick up the persona of their costume. So if she looks like a badass, she’ll probably act a little bit like a badass. Don’t be deterred. The reward is worth it.
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There was some popular song by the Bloodhound Gang about animals and doing it like on the Discovery Channel. That about sums this category up. Anyone dressed in a costume with a tale secretly wants you to rip it off and tickle her with it. That’s our opinion, anyway.
The Mighty Muffs are not necessarily big country music fans, but there’s one song by Big and Rich that we’re big fans of, you may know it: “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” We say any chick in an outfit that involves any of the following — a whip, a pistol, fringe, and/or assless chaps — is likely to go by that mantra. So giddy-up.
Kindergarten teacher. Librarian. Catholic schoolgirl. Cheerleader. What do these things have in common (other than the likelihood of being the str*pper to show up at a bachelor party)? They all make prime targets on Halloween. How do we know this? Ask yourselves how many girls you know that actually, seriously, want to be kindergarten teachers or librarians, or attend Catholic school. Screaming children, the Dewey Decimal System, nuns — these things aren’t appealing at all. Girls know, however, that these are common male fantasies, and therefore choose to dress up as them with the desire to be the girl in the fantasy. That makes Halloween your chance to star. The notable exception to this is the cheerleader — most girls have probably at one point legitimately wanted to be cheerleaders. But they probably wanted to be cheerleaders to up their chances of f*cking someone on the football team. Indecent intention then = indecent intentions now. All signs point to yes.
We’re sure the origins of Halloween were probably, like most commercial holidays, at some point religious. We’re also pretty sure you give about as much of a shit about that as we do. As far as we’re concerned, Halloween’s origins are “the collective population wants a pseudo-legitimate excuse to go buckwild and do shit they wouldn’t normally do.” And, as far as we’re concerned, the origin of masks are “an excuse to do shit you wouldn’t normally because what the hell, no one can tell it’s you anyway.” That sounds like a match made in Halloween sex heaven. Here’s a warning for you though — there are two reasons women might be wearing a mask on Halloween: #1 is that they want an excuse to do something they wouldn’t normally do. #2 is that they’re hideous, and they’re hiding holdover teenage acne or a horrible burn scar. Or, frankly, both. We say, if she’s got a decent body go to it, have them keep the mask on, and tell everyone else you saw her without it and she could have been Blake Lively’s twin. Problem solved.
This, like the obvious no of the ugly costume, is the obvious yes costume. Of course, like with real sex workers (str*ppers, hookers, etc.) you run the risk of one night of fun sl*tty sex, and a whole lot more nights of itching and burning in unnatural ways. Also, like with real sex workers, girls in these costumes often seem like a better idea the night before than they do the morning after. And finally, there is always the possibility that it’s purely coincidence that you met them on Halloween, and they are in fact actual sex workers. And then you’re unexpectedly out a lot more money than you bargained for with a side order of a potential bonus STD. So in short, your chances of scoring are high. Your chances of burning regret are also high. You’re a grown man — you weigh the odds and make the choice. We’ll stand by with a forged Valtrex prescription.
Playboy bunneys get their own category. And that category could also have been named “what the f*ck are you waiting for?”
There are two other key factors to keep in mind that significantly increase your odds of success regardless of costume:
Slutty Group Costumes
This is a result of the “throw shit at a wall and some of it will stick” theory. You get a bunch of girls in a group dressed kind of ho-ey, you hit on them, you’re probably gonna get some. We’d make a snarky comment about this, but we can’t. We’re too busy trying on our group costume.
If a girl is carrying a bullwhip, handcuffs, a ruler, a doctor’s examination kit, whatever, you get the idea, then that is a good sign. Girls tend to have a lot to carry — hence why we are often seen walking around with gigantic purses that you always ask to put stuff in. So if we’re carrying extra stuff around, we intend to use it, otherwise it’s a pain-in-the-ass to haul around for no payoff. And wouldn’t you like to be the recipient?
Because we know you guys probably aren’t going to remember all of this when you’re wasted, we thought we’d give you a cheat sheet: