You’re Not Getting Laid Because…

by 9 years ago

[inline:happy]Editor’s Note: Yesterday, we served up a great interview with the author of The Philadelphia Lawyer, whose first book, “Happy Hour is for Amateurs: Work Sucks. Life Doesn’t Have to” is now out in paperback. As promised, The Philadelphia Lawyer also wrote up an exclusive article just for Without further ado…

Not getting laid? I understand. We’ve all been there and it’s tough. We blame the scene, the bar, the women, the whole goddamned mating ritual. And yet the answer’s never to be found — cruelly, terminally elusive. Well, I’m here to offer you hope, keep you from the jaws of despair, because the problem couldn’t be simpler. It’s you. Yeah, that’s right. You. You’re not getting laid because you’re:

1. The Big Shirt Guy

You wouldn’t chase a chick in Mom Jeans, would you? The “big shirt” is their male equivalent. And don’t think it’s hiding anything. She knows you’re cut like pudding. Why else would anyone be wearing that collared muumuu?

Quick fix: Drop the Three Milky Way Lunch.

Long term fix: Trade the pitchers of Bud for liquor (Pushing 30? It’s overdue).

Cheater’s fix: “Plus Model” bra and girdle combo — $24.99 at Target.

2. The Goatee Guy

The modern woman’s shaved bare Below. We’ve all but demanded they do it. And you know she sees with that goatee? A Brillo pad with a tongue, scratching her freshly shorn “pink” parts redder than an Indian burn.

Lesson learned: The law of unintended consequences. Think of the potential backfire effect next time you push a girlfriend to groom like your favorite adult entertainment star.

Hidden positive: You can quit kidding yourself. Growing it out in the front doesn’t compensate for the hair you’ve lost on top.

3. Pleated

Youth and virility are paramount to attraction, and nothing says “old enough to have an elevated PSA reading” like a pair of pleated pants. The codger on the park bench rambling about how “Harry Truman would have fixed this goddamned economy,” the greeter at Wal-Mart with the Monty Burns hunchback… your great uncle with three inch-long nose hair and breath like mothballs — these corpses wear pleated pants, not you. The only thing you should ever do with a woman who’s into that look is steal her Social Security checks. And have her add you into her will.

It’s not all bad: They go well with Velcro shoes.

Maybe it is: So does a feeding tube.

4. A Fireplug

The cure for being 5’2″ isn’t lifting weights until you expand your width to 5’2″. You’ll wind up with the profile of a mailbox. Unless you’re playing Division One Center, the “Bilbo-Baggins-on-D-Bol” look isn’t going to line up ladies by the dozen.

Bonus tip: Hitting the tanning booth doesn’t make it any better.

Double bonus tip: Neither does the gold chain.

Cheater’s tip: Platform shoes.

5. Reading Pick Up Artist Books

Neil Strauss, author of “The Game”, isn’t banging models because of the killer tips he got from Mystery or the “The Mystery Method”, or because he runs around Vegas “peacocking” in a Captain Jack Sparrow costume and stove-top hat. Strauss gets laid because he’s sold millions of books on “pick up artistry” to 30-year-old virgins, and has a wallet reflecting that success. Nature’s the ficklest woman. If you’re dressing like Blackbeard in a glam-rock phase, running “congruence testing” exercises on a chick or throwing “negs” at her, you don’t have to worry about her ugly friend cock-blocking you. Darwin’s already got that covered.

On the positive side: PUA culture is an upgrade from Eagle Scouts.

On the negative side: It’s a step down from “Dungeons & Dragons.”

But it does have its hidden advantages: You can always get side work officiating at Long John Silvers’ openings, or Captain Morgan & Coke nights. “