15 Great and Not-So-Great Places to Take a Dump in Public
[inline:waf]We’ve all been down this lonely road: One minute you’re out on the town having yourself a nice day and the next you’re suddenly fighting back tears because you are on the cusp of shitting your pants. You don’t know why your stool is on stampede but it is and it’s furious. Within moments, your a**hole begins to crown and you start wishing that were able to unload in the comfort of your own home. But you’re not at home, you are in public and in a few minutes you will be willing to shit in any receptacle that even vaguely resembles a toilet bowl. Like a child’s mouth or a drinking fountain.
Shitting in public is no great joy, but it doesn’t have to be complete misery either. Below are a few public places that I enjoy, followed by some places I always try to avoid whenever the poop comes a knockin’. Happy shitting!
The bathrooms in hotel lobbies are quiet, clean, and if the hotel is nice enough, the ass wipes are usually not a member of the sandpaper family. Not a hotel guest? No problem. Just valet your car (if you’re driving) or waltz right in off the street and start taking the paint off the f*cking walls.
Big Name Specialty Stores
You might not want to be caught shopping there, but Bed Bath & Beyond is a great place to shit. Staples, Best Buy, Barnes & Noble, etc. are also fantastic when you’re in a bind but your bowels aren’t. To quote a very good friend of mine, “I love the industrial toilets at these places. You can lean over and watch the shit come out of your ass.” I know what you’re thinking, and yes, all my friends are this classy.
Don’t you dare use the bathroom in the mall cafeteria; those shitters are reserved for bottom feeders and that’s not you. You shit in luxury; you shit in Nordstrom’s. Fuck me, add a distinguished British accent to that and we have an award-winning ad campaign.
Subway (the restaurant not the mode of transportation)
All of them have one-person bathrooms so you have your privacy (whacking off is optional) and they are usually pretty clean — the nicer the town, the nicer the Subway toilet is going to be. After you’re done in there, don’t flush and leave the door wide open when you exit so all of the people waiting in line to order their $5 foot long can revel in the smell of the foot-long loaf you just baked.
This only pertains to NYC, but it has to make the list because there is a T.V. in each stall. So if you ever find yourself in Times Square and in a heap of excrement trouble, hit the ESPN Zone to drop that deuce. With any luck Mitch Albom will have just finished taping the Sports Reporters and you can wipe your ass with his ears (or a signed copy of “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”).
Highway Rest Stops
Rest area bathrooms can be hit or miss depending on the amount of a**hole traffic each receives. You have to take the good with the bad in dealing with these because the clean bathrooms are generally at boring stops that only have vending machines, while the filthy ones often times have delicious TCBY waiting for you as a post-shit treat. That, my friends, is an instance when sitting on someone else’s piss is worth it.
In most major cities, there is literally one on every block. No purchase is necessary to use the bathroom, so just barge right in and get down to business. It might be good to note that not all Starbucks have bathrooms, so if they don’t, just kick in the door to their broom closet and start defecating on their cleaning supplies. When you’re finished, accost the yuppie barista for not having toilet paper in there and then on your way out set the place on fire.
Places to avoid unless absolutely necessary:
Fast Food Joints
It’s dirty, it’s disgusting, and there is no way you want your ass touching that seat. So that is the reason why you will shit on the floor. Now you are not only relieved, but with that despicable act you will have also taught the janitor the value of an education.
I generally avoid these places but if you’re going to do it, do it right and help fight obesity by putting these establishments out of business. Start by upper decking the toilet; if it doesn’t have a tank, shit in the sink. Then piss all over the walls and any paper products. If anyone stands in your way, piss on them too. When you’re done, rip the automatic sanitizer off the wall and spike it off someone’s fat face on the way out.
The thought of shitting in a Porta-potty — or as my mother like to call them, “Job Johnny’s” — strikes fear directly into my soul. I will never forget the day I was traumatized. I was 6 years old and playing T-ball in Florida. Out of left field, figuratively, I got a violent case of the liquid shits. When the inning ended, I ran over to the lone porta-potty (in the entire park) to shit. When I got in there, it not only stunk like a dead fetus, but when I looked into the shit and piss stew boiling from the summer heat, I found a family of lizards. I was as mortified as a 6-year-old boy could be but shit happens so I propped myself up on the seat and I shit on those f*cking lizards. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever took a dump in a porta-potty.
This past summer while I was waiting to board a bus to go to Philly, a serious shit storm hit me. Even though I’d rather shit it my own hand, I made the decision to take my first shit in a bus station bathroom. Since I relish moments like this, I was dead set on doing it right and hell bent on making it memorable. So that is why I AC Slater’d the f*cking toilet bowl at New York City’s Port Authority. Since it was far and away one of the most disgusting things I have done this year, I took a video of it and showed it to everyone once I arrived in Philly. Sadly, for you, its way too graphic to include in this post, so I’ll just let you imagine how awesome that looked.
I’m not talking about Lucky Strike or any bowling alley/night club hybrid — those places have f*cking bathroom attendants and are great when you need to drop a few pounds. I’m talking about the alleys of yesteryear because real bowling alleys are f*cking disgusting; from the shoes to the balls to the squat pots to even the people who patronize them. Everything is gross. Do you really want to share a toilet bowl with a guy who is on a steady diet of bacon grease, Miller Highlife, and Winston’s?
No door on the stall I can live with, but piss and puke everywhere? No thanks. Most of the time when I am at a bar, unless it’s a ghost town, I won’t even use the bathroom. I usually just lean up against the bar, order a drink and piss on everyone’s feet while I flirt with the female bartenders. When my cock is done, I stuff it back inside and go about my business. As for dumps, I just run to a neighboring pizza place or pray my ass cheeks can withstand the rush long enough to constipate myself.
How can I put this? Semen… everywhere. It might not be your idea of a good time, but I guarantee several lonely f*cks punched their clowns in that stall today. And, if you have enough ass hair, you might have to get the seat surgically removed if you plop yourself down on all that gooey spunk.
Unless you packed some Depends, the tiny stalls are your only option when you are in the air. Thankfully, they are cleaner than a bus bathroom, but they are incredibly short on space. My advice is to clean out the pipes before you board or hold it in until touchdown. (Random Note: It is just me, or does anyone else wish that when you flush the toilet on an airplane that the poop would fly out of the plane and go on a little journey of its own. Maybe scatter across a few states, ultimately landing on a farm in Iowa helping fertilize that season’s crop.) “