Introducing the 2009 NFL All-Bro Team

by 11 years ago

Who, in the age of prototype college athletes with myriad skills of insane caliber, is worthy of first-team status in the 2009 NFL Bro Bowl? Lets take a look at the board of our in-house expert, Mel V-Card Swiper Jr., to see who can safely be dubbed 2009 NFL All-Bro.

1. Matthew Stafford (QB, Detroit)

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Number one in the real 2009 draft, and number one in the running for the 2009 Bro-Bowl, but for vastly different reasons. Matt Stafford has luscious flow, grown right where the peaches grow. From what scouts can tell, he has done well for himself with a staggering number of the University of Georgias own chin-soaking peaches. A large degree of his collegiate success can be attributed to his own backfield bro-mate, Broshown Moreno (pictured above with Stafford and quintessential UGA slam-piece), but Stafford can ball. Apparently, he has a knack for fitting it in to tight places.

2. Matt Leinart (QB, Arizona)

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What else can be said about one of the true innovators of Bro-ing out in the NFL? Beer bongs, hotties, and a 5 oclock shadow that rivals the likes of George Clooney and makes sorority chicks weak in the knees make Leinart a sure thing for Bro-cess in the NFL.

3. Jay Cutler & Greg Olsen (QB & TE, Chicago)

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The Denver Broncos traded away the promising young QB from Vanderbilt mainly due to his drinking problem. Let me remind you, Jay Cutler is a diabetic. Olsen, on the other hand, has been tearing apart opposing linebackers and college bitties ever since his time on the 7th Floor Crew. Cutler and his new go-to target seem to have developed as good a defense-shredding chemistry on the field as their beaver-shredding bond that has blossomed in the nightclubs of Chicago.

4. Ricky Williams (RB, Miami)

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This guy left the NFL with a case of chay-fing so severe that he ended up living in a tent and smoking weed for almost two years. With the help of a strict ODweeds regimen, he cleaned up his act and then returned to the league sporting a beard and looking like Kimbo Slice. Shortly after his resurgence, he helped the Dolphins earn a playoff birth. Bro on, Ricky.

5. Matt Jones (WR, formerly of Jacksonville)

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They should have played the main guitar riff from Eric Claptons hit song Cocaine every time Jones touched the ball in Jacksonville. She dont mind, but Commissioner Roger Gooddell apparently does. This bro just loves blow, and hes still somewhat talented. Maybe we should fire up a time machine and send him back to play slot receiver with Mike Irvin in Dallas in the early 90s. I bet they have the same pre-game routine.

6. Carson Palmer & Chad OchoCinco (QB & WR, Cincinnati)

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The SoCal TD slinger invented an iPhone app, RunPee, that lets you know the optimal times in a movie to sneak out for a quick leak. What an innovator. This year, hes got the Bungholes in position to make a playoff run. Who Dey? indeed. Chad Ocho Cinco, meanwhile, is the man. Fuck you if you cant take a joke. This guy makes the NFL fun again.

7. Chris Cooley (TE, Washington)

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Between hooking up with smoking-hot Redskin cheerleaders and wearing really, really tight shorts to practice, Chris Cooley has all the bases covered. His unwavering hatred for the over-hyped Jason Witten (J. Witt, DAWG!) has contributed to his goofball mentality. I think Cooley and Clinton Portis do a lot of crystal meth in the offseason. Nevertheless, Chris Cooley is the man, and sure thing for the all-bro team. Click here for The Official Blog of Chris Cooley.

8. Peyton Manning (QB, Indianapolis)

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Peyton Manning has a weirdly shaped head, and no sideburns. On the surface, he seems to be the anti-bro. When you take a deeper look, however, we get to know the real Peyton Manning, a guy with a hot wife and an unrivaled sense of humor. His Saturday Night Live skit as an over-competitive touch-football quarterback is classic, as are his dry, witty commercials for the United Way.

9. Tom Brady (QB, New England)

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Did you really think wed leave off Terrific Tom? This guy has done it all. He was on the cover of GQ and under the covers with Giselle, Bridgette Moynahan, and God knows whom else. Hes a winner, and thats what winners do. They dont take shit from anybody. Youre pregnant? Too bad, says Tom. I have to go throw some footballs and have steamy intercourse with more hot celebrities. How does Tom stay so cool under pressure? Maybe its the Smartw*ter.

Honorable Mentions

Anthony Fasano (TE, Miami): This guy loves Jagerbombs almost as much as catching passes.

Joe Thomas (LT, Cleveland): This guy skipped the NFL draft so he could go fishing with his dad and drink beers.

Mark Sanchez (QB, NYJ): He would have made the cut, but there are just too many Bro-QBs in the league.

JaMarcus Russell (QB, Raiders): He skips practices to play video games and eat Cheetos. To play well, maybe we should only get a little high. “