A Girl Asks if There’s Any Sexual Act She Shouldn’t Do with a New Guy

by 9 years ago

[inline:200]This is the latest installment of Ask A Bro with Waffles McButter. Got a question of your own for Waffles? Email wafflesmcbutter@brobible.com. You can also now follow Waffles on Twitter or be his friend on Facebook.

Dear Waffles,

Are the are any sexual acts that a girl should refrain from with a guy if your planning on dating him? One of my friends claims that you should never have an*l sex if you plan on being someone’s girlfriend. What sexual acts if any would you say fall into this category?

Sincerely,

Hesitant

Dear Bra,

I am going to keep it very simple and by the end of this I will probably have saved your a**hole and your ego an ocean’s worth of agony. Thanks are not required. But should you feel compelled to send us a gift basket with vacuum packed meats and jars of delicious jam, by all means, feel free.

When you are not a guy’s girlfriend, I repeat, when you are NOT his girlfriend, everyone he knows — his bros, his father, his grandma, his pastor, etc. — is going to find out about all the gross shit he has done to you and your body. They’ll actually know within minutes. So once you go to the bathroom to clean off your face, just be aware that a mass text message is in draft and being sent. And if you made the outstanding decision, in the heat of passion, to let him take pictures of him penetrating your anus with his camera phone, those will also surface simultaneously.

On top of everyone knowing that you have backdoor access and like taking a load to the face, if you don’t wind up with this guy, every goddamn time that he passes you in public he’ll remind everyone within an earshot — while pointing at you — that during sophomore year, he familiarized his cock with your shithole. The surrounding crowd will erupt with laughter and it is more than likely that someone will throw a rock at your face. You never knew a little bit of sodomy would have such repercussions did you?

Finally, I am not going to get into specific sexual acts to avoid because that is against everything I stand for. But I will say this: just use your best judgment and if you think you are doing something that is going to be the talk of campus tomorrow, don’t do it until you’re an official couple. Because then, if the whole world finds out that your boyfriend plundered your butt hole, you can teach him a lesson by biting the tip of his cock off the next time you blow him.

Affectionately,

Waffles “


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