How to Get Ahead, Using a Second Set of Parental Connections

by 11 years ago

[inline:work]Editor’s Note: While most of BroBible’s readers are still in school or are only few years into post-grad life, there are plenty of older, more veteran bros among our ranks, some of whom have even taken the ultimate plunge: marriage. Married Bro, who runs, naturally, MarriedBros.com is just such a seasoned Bro, so we’ve asked him to write us a new regular column about life with, in his words, a “Forever Slampiece” (FSP for short). While his advice will ring especially true for those who are hitched, we’re guessing any bro in a serious long-term relationship will also find his words especially insightful.

Obviously, you married your FSP because she was smoking hot, gave great head, and she (well, her dad) was rich as shit. Sure he was pissed when you started dating his princess, but that’s probably because he understood that dating meant his daughter was getting railroaded so hard your nickname could be John Henry. Soon enough, you steam-engined your way into the family and he realized it meant that he was going to have to live with you forever (or at least until you get a divorce).

Now that you’re married to his princess, not only can he no longer call you out for your Bro ways, he also has to grudgingly support the Bro lifestyle by getting you a f*cking sweet job so you can keep his baby happy. While you’re an intelligent bro with goals and skills (most of which involve hitting the last cup and shotgunning half a case of Natty Boh), you don’t have the connections of a 50+-year-old dude who got wifed up in his early 20s and has been taking his frustration out at his job ever since.

I understand that getting a job from a guy who sort of hates you may not seem like the best idea in the world. However, when you think about it, you can shotgun a beer in the “Boss’s” face during a board meeting and he would still give you a promotion to make sure that his little princess gets a new BMW every year. This means that not only do you get a sweet job, but that you are in-f*cking-vincible at work.

What the f*ck is the doucher in middle management going to do when you start to introduce your Bro ways to the office — complain about his boss’s son? Fuck that pencil-pushing b*tch that had to work his ass off for seven years to get where you will be just as soon as you can throw him under the bus at the quarterly meeting. You’re his boss’s daughter’s Bro. You will wield your power like f*cking Zeus, throwing thunderbolts at any motherf*ckers who think they can give you lip for coming in hungover, cutting out to golf with your Bros, or taking a 12 Natty liquid lunch regardless of where he is in the “corporate hierarchy” (as long as it is somewhere below your FSP’s old man).

Best-case scenario, you’re marrying into a family that is already run by a Married Bro. He will hook you up with a sweet job and pay you far more than you are worth without any question. Who is going to second guess him, the fat lady in HR who watches bull dyke adult entertainment at lunch? (That’s right, tell her you took a screen shot of her Internet history, it’s not like she’ll call your bluff.) On top of the ridiculous pay, you also get a shitload of fringe benefits, for example: golf on Tuesday with the boss, Thursday “afternoon” Happy Hours that start at 10:30 a.m., and being sent to “conferences” in Maui once every two months. You are on the fast track, and the boss needs to get you out of the office for some solid “brainstorming.” Interestingly enough, “brainstorming” pretty much means slamming microbrews and the occasional Johnnie Walker Blue.

Worst-case scenario, you can make it a point that if he doesn’t do what you say, you’ll put it in his daughter’s ass. Either way, you land a gig that guarantees some fat pockets and have a guarantee that any sexual harassment suit that comes up will get swept under the rug long before your FSP gets wind of it. Odds are you won’t even be aware of it since you’re so Bro, and the plaintiff is just a filthy sloot. “


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