Jersey Shore’: The Best Two Hours of TV This Year

by 9 years ago


Editor’s Note: Every week, Mr. T will do a Friday recap of the previous night’s episode of “Jersey Shore,” the greatest reality television show of our generation.

Wow. After watching the two-hour season premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” I sat on my couch and reflected for the next 10 minutes. I didn’t even know where to start in describing the hot mess I just witnessed. It was such epic entertainment that I’m so gassed up for the rest of the season. As AG pointed out earlier this morning, the show might as well be called “Real World: Jersey Shore,” but I guess MTV felt like putting a different spin on it. Whatever they wanna call it, I’ll still watch it. I’m hooked and so is the rest of America. Let’s just cut back on the commercials next time. Maybe I’m used to DVR now, but MTV really packed ’em in for this one. Every five minutes we were getting hit with another commercial for that smelly ass body cologne.

The Cast (in order of introduction to the viewer):

Pauly D (Johnston, R.I.) — If you didn’t realize they were guidos in Rhode Island, you’ve never been to the Atlantic Beach Club in Newport, R.I. Believe me when I say there are plenty in the state. Pauly is a 29-year-old DJ who spends 25 minutes blowing out hair. I will say, of all the guys in the house, he’s probably the most likeable, chill dude. He’s also never been to Jersey before. Kid is missing out!

Nicole aka “Snookie” (Poughkeepsie, N.Y.) — She goes by Snookie, but within minutes everyone is calling her Snickers and I’ll be doing the same all season long. She’s an energetic midget who needs to be the center of attention, but soon realizes she’s the least attractive and interesting girl in the house. I guess no one’s hungry.

Mike aka “The Situation” (Manalapan, N.J.) — I honestly can’t go five seconds without laughing every time this clown takes his shirt off and tells everyone that his abs are a situation (yes, that’s why he has that nickname). He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, but quickly finds out that he can get bested.

Sammi (Hazlet, N.J.) — The show was trying to push her name as sweetheart, but she shows quickly that she’s got no problem breaking a man’s heart. She originally seemed like the most likeable broad on the show, but I’m not sure about that after the two hours. Besides, she wears f*cking hair extensions!! Child, please…

Vinny (Staten Island, N.Y.) — He seems like a good dude, but he doesn’t exactly fit in with the other guys in the house. He doesn’t like fake tans or blowout hair. He’s the least jacked dude in the house. But he has waited 21 long years to spend a summer on the Jersey Shore and he gets sweaty armpits very easily. Also, his mother still cuts his food.

Jenny aka “Jwow” (Long Island, N.Y.) — It’s good to see the Pisano family is represented with some Strong Island presence. She’s got a boyfriend, but we’ll see how long that lasts. She’s trashy looking with white streaks in her hair. Who the f*ck does that?!? Jwow has the nickname because she gets that reaction from guys. I will say when she rolled up in a yellow top that showed off her fake b**bs, it got that reaction out of me too. It wasn’t necessarily because of her looks, though. It was because I couldn’t believe she’d actually roll out to the club with such a small amount of material covering her body. I’m sure her boyfriend would love that.

Ronnie (Bronx, N.Y.) — The biggest juicer in the house is down on the Shore for one reason and one reason only: to get laid. He claims he can take his shirt off and the girls start coming. That might create a situation (pun intended). He also might actually be the most logical of all the cast.

Angelina aka Jolie (Staten Island, N.Y.) — Rounding out the cast is the self-proclaimed Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. She likes to promote that she’s got real b**bs and a nice fat ass. She’s got a boyfriend so she doesn’t want any of the guys in the house to get laid. She’s a real f*cking c*nt.

And for the cherry on top of the sundae, watch Vinny give his impressions of the cast:

We Start Things Off With A Bang:
The house is in Seaside Heights, a hotbed for stereotypical Gudio business. The cast members enter the house one by one, choose their beds, and start drinking. Angelina shows up with garbage bags full of stuff instead of having suitcases. Seriously? Pauly D comments that “she couldn’t find suitcases?!?” I’m with him. A classy broad doesn’t show up with her shit in suitcases. Remember this… Danny, the landlord/boss, rolls in to lay down the law and tells everyone about their jobs on the boardwalk at his T-shirt shop. They’ve got orientation in the morning, but that doesn’t stop Snickers from getting totally smashed. Within minutes she’s rubbing up on the dudes and makes everyone feel incredibly awkward. Almost as awkward as I feel while watching the show because as ashamed as I am to share a country with these people, I can’t turn away. Soon enough Snickers realizes no one likes her and runs off to cry on the roof. She can’t stand not being the center of attention.

The guys jump into the hot tub on the roof and within minutes, Snickers takes off her dress and jumps in with only her bra and a leopard thong. “I wanna see yawww eyebaaals!” she yells as she tries kissing and rubbing up on the dudes. Eventually the guys get out of the hot tub to get away from her. She puts on her dress, falls down the stairs, and then passes out in a hammock. When she comes to, everyone has left, and spends the night struggling with the duck telephone that really belongs in Susan Ross’s father’s cabin. Where’s John Cheever when you need him? The next morning she’s puking in the bathroom and shows up late to work. Boss Danny lays into her right away. She’s off to a great start.

Apparently the Guys Aren’t Allowed to Get Laid:
On the second night in the house, Pauly D and “The Situation” fish some 20-year-old chicks off the street. Next thing you know, they’re all in the hot tub and the girls are taking off both tops and bottoms. Nice! Being typical haters, Angelina and Sammi head up to the roof to stalk the guys and keep eyes on them. I’m with Ronnie on this one. Why can’t they just leave the guys alone? They’re definitely jealous that the guys went fishing outside the nest and didn’t try to lock them up right away. Angelina has a f*cking boyfriend, so why does she give a shit? Vinny chimes in with, “This is the Jersey Shore. What do you expect?” Amen brother.

A couple nights later, Pauly D, “The Situation,” and Vinny find some hotties after getting kicked outta the club for brawling. (Don’t let the spiky hair fool you — Pauly D is not a b*tch!) They bring the hotties upstairs to the outdoor bed and start ripping drinks. Typically the c-bag Angelina rolls up there and is acting like a cock block again. They’ve definitely never met a shit sandwich like this girl. Who the f*ck if she to say she’s gonna put the guys in their place? She says she’ll only allow the guys to bring home classy girls. This is the same tramp that showed up with f*cking garbage bags instead of suitcases? Kill yourself. “The Situation” has had enough. He calls Angelina a -3 and when she tries to talk about how hot she is, he lets her know she needs to lose five or ten pounds and then they can talk. Snap.

I Think We Have A Situation:
The most electrifying member of the cast is our good friend Mike aka “The Situation”. But he seems to be having an internal struggle between being a playa and a softie. The poor guy has a soft spot for Sammi, but he can’t help himself from chasing tail. Within five seconds of Sammi walking into the house, he already decides that he’s “going to hook up with her.” As the cast spends the first night on the boardwalk, he’s already got his arm around Sammi, trying to mark his territory. He cooks with her. He takes the same work shift as her. It looks like he’s almost trying to wife her up. When the guys fish girls from the street, “The Situation” almost can’t hide his inner player. He’s in the hot tub with nekked broads and he keeps looking back at Sammi. He eventually gets out and tries talking to Sammi because his heart strings are being tugged.

It becomes evident the next day at the gym that “The Situation” might have some competition. Ronnie makes a comment that he wouldn’t mind banging out Sammi, despite previously recognizing that “The Situation” has shown his affection towards her. “The Situation” thinks that Ronnie might cause him some trouble, but then he realizes he’s the f*cking situation! There won’t be a problem! For a guy who is such a playa, it takes him way too long to make his move on Sammi. He has her alone on the roof and he doesn’t gear it up. He should be straight crushing that b*tch by now.

The next night at the club “The Situation” finally makes his move when he’s on the dance floor with Sammi. They’re making out a little and you figure that should lock things in for a little while. Not so fast my friend. Ronnie had the “Ron Ron Juice” going earlier in the night and it’s about to kick in. Outta nowhere Sammi comes up to Ronnie to ask if he’s dancing. Next thing you know, they’re making out too! In the side interview Sammi says she’s not going to be held back with who she wants to hook up with. While I’m cool with that because broads need to have their fun too, it’s pretty f*cking stupid to kiss two of your own roommates in the same night. You’re gonna create a shit storm. She wanted to teach “The Situation” a lesson and show that he isn’t that big of a deal. The line “You’re no situation” that she blurts out earlier finally rings true. When confronted by “The Situation,” Sammi shows allegiance to Ronnie and the episode ends with a broken hearted situation.

The Other Shit:
Since there was two hours worth of episodes, there’s plenty of other shit to touch on but not enough time:

  • Snickers almost leaves, but then gets talked into staying by Sammi, and finds some loser to make out with at the club. The loser then pukes all over the outside area as they get ready to watch the sunrise.
  • Jwow and Pauly D strike things up on the dance floor a couple nights into the show and while the producers don’t show us exactly what happens between ’em in the bedroom, we do find out that Pauly D has a pierced dick. TMI. That has him drop a couple points in my book. I guess there’s only so much to do with yourself in Rhode Island.
  • Vinny proves he’ll dance with fat chicks and picks up pink eye.
  • Angelina calls her boyfriend to whine and he says he’s in a meeting. The psycho calls him back multiple times and every call goes to voicemail. No he shouldn’t pick up the damn phone while he’s in a meeting. Who the f*ck do you think you are?

    Still to Come:
    There was a storm of information that comes through during scenes from the rest of the season that I couldn’t get a hold of all it. Jwow gets into some shit with her boyfriend. Ronnie rocks some dude in the face. One of the chicks goes to jail. Best of all, and it took me a few times watching to catch it, Snickers gets absolutely f*cking snuffed by some dude while towering over him at the bar. Boom goes the dynamite. This show is gonna be legendary. “