College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of UCSB

by 9 years ago


[inline:waf]Note from Waffles: This is a new, reoccurring piece that sets out to explore all different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. So if you want to talk about the girls at your school or alma mater, email me at and we can make beautiful music together. If you are still in high school, use and abuse this to pick a fantastic college or university for you and your genitalia to matriculate. Just don’t ask me to write about chicks at your school, I don’t need any lawsuits. Last week I broke down my alma mater, the University of Miami, and this week, thanks to the help of BroBible reader Dangleitis (which I’m told is a disease of the well-endowed), we will be diving head first into well-manicured vag*nas at the University of California, Santa Barbara (otherwise referred to as “UCSB” for all of us in favor of brevity).

[inline:logo]A few months ago, I included UCSB as one of the top 20 colleges to attend if you want to ensure your college experience doesn’t suck, but now, after getting the inside scoop — from a current student (and fellow bro) — about the beautiful babies that pollute the campus, I am almost completely sold on sending my first son to this institution. Hopefully by the time I have a son; UCSB will have a D-I football program; a hoops team that could beat, or at the very least compete with, the L.A. Sparks; and a logo that doesn’t resemble a stealthy rapist from the Spanish Armada.

The students at UCSB often claim that the acronym stands for “U Can Study Buzzed,” so from that I can confidently conclude that the hot chicks probably not only drink in hazardous excess, but they let their vag*nas get f*cked with the same amount of negligence. And call it a hunch, but I would also guess that they probably like to swallow as well. That, however, remains a much bolder and completely unsupported assumption.

To give you further insight, the school is located just minutes from the beach and each year they utilize said beach to throw one of the biggest shitfests in the entire country, Floatopia. This party is easily the craziest of the year because it includes roughly 12,000 blacked-out college kids in bathing suits on the beach. All of whom are trying to f*ck each others’ brains out.

Another honorable claim to UCSB’s fame is that several episodes of “College Fuck Fest” have been filmed in the houses that hang above the Pacific Ocean. Wondering what it costs to rent one of those houses? So am I.

Now that you have a little background about the school’s finer points, let’s dissect the girls of UCSB — which includes the total babe pictured above, Jamie Lynn Darley, a finalist in the Victoria’s Secret Angel search.


Sex Life

Most girls at UCSB are DTF and for the most part, they apparently know the drill when it comes to proper one-night stand etiquette; once the c*m hits their lips, chest, eyeball, nape of their neck, etc., they get their f*ckin’ shit — every last bit of it — and go the f*ck home. Now that, my friends, is a lady.

As for monogamy, our source tells me that relationships are few and far between, and that probably less than 10% of the student body is in a long-term relationship. Even for those broads who moronically come to school with a long-distance boyfriend, they often have a f*ck buddy while they’re at school. One of Dangleitis’ roommates is actually hooking up with some broad with a boyfriend about three times per week. On top of that, when the chick’s boyfriend comes to visit they all hang out. This goes without saying, but the boyfriend is a total b*tch and definitely not a Bro.


Party Habits

UCSB chicks love to party and if you really wanted to, you can find a party seven nights a week. Tuesday is usually the night frats hold parties with the sororities so it is an ideal time for a mid-week one-nighter. A prime time to have some public sex is on a Thursday night. There is a bus system that runs from the bars back to campus and apparently anything goes; kids that can’t hold their booze are vomiting out the windows, the more skilled drinkers are mocking and taking pisses on the featherweights, and if you’re in the back of the bus there is a good chance that you could be ravaging the slampiece you met right before last call. Fridays and Saturdays are all-out shitshows, the houses lining Del Playa Dr. put their sound systems out onto their balconies and just blast music into the street. Almost every party is open and the majority of them give out free drinks. Now, thanks to a few recent UCSB graduates/degenerates who created Campus Booze, Bros can find all the booze suppliers in their area and even which one has the best prices for the alcohol you’re looking for. This obviously helps everyone maximize the amount the alcohol at parties.

At parties, UCSB girls have no reservations about funneling or shotgunning beers like they’re one of the guys. Most don’t even give a f*ck if they have a dress on or are wearing a thong, they’ll step right up and do a tw*t-exposed kegstand for all they care.


Sorority Girls

Our insider Bro claims that there is not a big difference between sorority chicks and independents. Every spring semester, however, the ladies of the Greek community have a Volleyball tournament that usually results in extreme boozing, so that’s a plus. According to our source, the girls in the two best sororities are all 9’s and 10’s. I don’t want to call him a liar, but I am sure there are at least one or two cows amongst them so they can look even hotter. No hot girl, after all, is without one pig-faced friend.

When it comes to hooking up, sorority girls generally never restrict themselves when it comes to what parties or guys they hook up with. Their “f*ck at all costs” approach is admirable and it’s also very Waffles-esque.

Off-campus Broads

The men of UCSB have a wonderful external resource if they become tired of all the hot p*ssy their own school has to offer. According to our source, neighboring Santa Barbara City College is an amazing gift because it is packed full of rich, hot girls that are too stupid or just don’t give a shit about going to UCSB. All these girls want is to be on the beach and party all the time — something I always look for in a future wife. These girls also usually come from big money families and since they go to a school for retards, they have far less work to do so it definitely works in every bro’s favor.


Here is how the girls at UCSB stack up in certain areas:

Hottness: A+

Willingness to f*ck (DTF): A

Daddy’s bank roll: A-

Alcohol Consumption: B+

Intelligence: B+

Chillness: B+

Interest in Athletics: C+

Maintenance Level: C

Prevalence of Fake Tits: A+

Overall Grade: A

Up Next: The chicks at James Madison University… “