Shitting Your Pants Gets You a Promotion in the NFL, Plus Thursday Night’s NFL Pick

by 10 years ago

[inline:shitqw]America is a wonderful place. Only in American can you be unproductive in your job and still get promoted. Meanwhile, more productive people sit around in anguish as they get passed up for the opportunity. What does this have to do an NFL picks column? The answer is Joe Burnett.

Most of you probably don’t know who Joe is. Joe was a fourth-round selection by the Steelers in this year’s draft out of the University of Central Florida. He started the year as a third-string cornerback and didn’t see much of the field. Eventually, injuries befell Pittsburgh and Burnett was forced into more action. His time in the spotlight came this past Sunday against the Raiders when he found himself playing in the final minutes, trying to prevent the Raiders from getting a go-ahead score. With about 50 seconds left, the Raiders had 1st and 10 on the Steelers’ 40 yard line. Bruce Gradkowski dropped back to pass and made a throw deep to the right side of the field. Unbeknownst to Gradkowski, there stood Burnett with the spotlight shining directly on him as the ball sailed his way. And he shat his pants…

You see Burnett was unequipped to handle prosperity. Instead of being the hero and making the game-winning interception, he decided to let the ball hit him directly in his hands and watch it fall to the turf. Those who know me as the best flag football lock-down corner this side of the Hudson will tell you I would never have let this happen. Yet Burnett is paid to do his job and he failed miserably. Unlike others who fail miserable (exit Sean Suisham stage right), Burnett didn’t lose his job or get reprimanded. Instead the Steelers promoted Burnett this week to starting cornerback in preparation for Thursday night’s game against Cleveland and demoted veteran Ike Taylor.

You may ask why I care so much and the reason is simple. Joe Burnett, that friendly rookie cornerback we’ve just discussed, cost me my survivor pool. If he makes the catch, which “Jersey Shore’s” Snookie would’ve made about 25% of the time, I’m still alive in my survivor pool. Instead, Joe Burnett has joined my shit list. Thanks boss. Much appreciated…

Survivor Pick of the Week:

TENNESSE over St. Louis

Since I’m finally out of my survivor pool, I won’t be providing a detailed pick for the masses this week. Instead I’ll just advise that you take the Titans against the Rams and leave it at that. Hopefully your Joe Burnett doesn’t find you.

Thursday Night’s Game:

CLEVELAND (+10) over Pittsburgh

Despite Mike Tomlin’s assertion that his team would raise hell last week, they fell flat on their faces. Talk about a Super Bowl Hangover. Underdogs of nine points or more went undefeated last week, winning all five games on the schedule. That’s good for Vegas. Normally I’d go with the Steelers here, but I’ve decided to side with Vegas and take all the heavy underdogs this week. Why? Vegas is the only thing that could make me feel better thanks to Joe Burnett. “