On ‘Jersey Shore’ Episode 2 (and the ‘After Show’), Plenty of Secrets Revealed
Editor’s Note: Every Friday, Mr. T will recap the previous night’s episode of the greatest reality TV show of our generation: “Jersey Shore.” Consider this your Spoiler Warning.
Before we start recapping last night’s episode of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” I need to make a Public Service Announcement. If you’re watching the best reality show on TV, you also need to watch the “After Show,” which goes on for 30 minutes directly after each episode. I was out being a rec-league basketball superstar and came home to watch the episode on delay with DVR. While watching the show, I got a message from a friend telling me that MTV was unloading extra information on the “After Show.” Oddly, my Time Warner Cable didn’t show the “After Show” following the episode, so I had no idea it was even on. Thankfully, I was able to tape the last five minutes and it was better than anything shown in the actual episode. So, to recap, tape the “After Show.” It may cost you another 30 minutes of your day, but I know you’re in the same boat as me. You’re not going to turn down the chance to see more “Jersey Shore.”
The After Show:
I’m not one to bury the lede, so everyone out there should know The Situation and Angelina have hooked up. They apparently met through mutual friends before the show and hooked up on multiple occasions. The Situation even met Angelina’s mother! I have to give mad credit to Julissa, the host of the “After Show” because she really gets after it. Angelina was trying to deny that she’d previously had a situation with The Situation, but then Julissa rolled the video of The Situation telling everyone in the house that he’d hooked up with her multiple times. Eventually she admitted to hooking up with him. Then Angelina starts to rag on The Situation for hooking up with a bunch of ugly broads. The Situation naturally defends himself by saying he was single, having fun during the summer, and she shouldn’t be judging him. Julissa jumps back in and points out that Angelina was dating a married man. Yes! Nice work Julissa. We should throw you in the house so you can interrogate the cast whenever they try to get shady. In jest, The Situation caps off the “After Show” by agreeing that Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. We got more of The Situation in those five minutes then we got in the whole episode that preceded it. That’s what made it great. Don’t hold the man back. MTV should let him run wild.
Snickers the Entertainer:
God only knows what we would’ve done if Snickers had actually gone home last week. She’s currently the most entertaining female cast member. Angelina is a c*nt and on her way home regardless. Jwoww (I feel bad I didn’t put in both Ws on the back end of her nickname last week, so I made sure to include it this week) is cool, but she hasn’t shown her best stuff yet. And Sammi is too busy licking up the “Ron Ron Juice” to provide laughs. Watching Snickers eat the pickle was the highlight of episode 2. She was downing that thing like it was latched on to Ron Jeremy’s crotch and she was getting paid. Why that technique for eating a pickle? “I like to suck the juice out first,” she says. Wow. Bravo, Snickers. Bravo.
Snickers’ friend Ryder comes to visit on what looks like a quiet weekday night. They go to some empty bar, rip drinks, and talk about how they want to let loose on the dance floor. She’s gotta be the center of attention. There was no one in the f*cking bar!! Of course there was no one to dance with you. The story doesn’t end there as the girls roll back to the house and push for a situation with The Situation in the hot tub. Eventually Pauly D and Vinny jump in too. Ryder means business and she’s all over The Situation in the hot tub. Snookie doesn’t like that Ryder is stealing the spotlight so she starts making out with her “because all the guys like that.” Then she’s getting filthy with the Situation and tells him “f*ck my f*cking a**hole right now.” Where would we be without Snickers?
The Boring Couple:
A lot of the episode was spent showing the budding relationship between Sammi and Ronnie. It’s too boring to discuss, but things heat up at the end of the episode. Vinny drags Ronnie to the dance floor and Ronnie “rocks shit out.” I put that in quotation marks because he is not a good dancer. He basically screwdrives himself into the ground and gyrates. That’s garbage dancing. Ship him up to Boston to go against my buddy, the self-proclaimed best Jewish male Caucasian diabetic dancer in the world, and it wouldn’t even be a contest. Ronnie would walk away in shame.
Obviously Vinny needs a wingman, so Ronnie ends up dancing with another girl. Sammi sees this, flips out, flirts with a cop, and gives the cop her number. What a b*tch. As I said previously, it’s O.K. for her to make out with two roommates in one night, but Ronnie can’t get be a wingman?? Give me a f*cking break. At least get some liposuction on your thighs before you get so high on yourself. Ronnie just told you that you’re the best thing that ever happened to him and you do him like that? Fuggetaboutit. Thankfully Jwoww gives Ronnie a heads up and he decides to leave the bar in disgust. Once again, Ronnie decides to be logical. Jwoww eventually runs out of gas and goes home as well, leading Sammi to think that they left together. She’s not that smart.
The Other Shit:
As with last week, there are a few other things to pass along to the masses:
- Jwoww pretends like she didn’t remember making out with Pauly D. She’s lying to herself because she doesn’t want to feel like trash. Her boyfriend comes to visit and lays down the rules that cheating will not be tolerated. She doesn’t have the balls to tell him what happened then and there, so she does it on the phone days later. He hangs up on the spot. It’s better for us because now Jwoww will let loose on Seaside.
- It’s nice to see that Vinny shakes up his wardrobe a bit. He rolled out to Headliners with a vest and tie. That’s pimp.
- Oh yeah, Angelina decides to go home after breaking up with her boyfriend. It’s the best thing that ever happened to the show. I don’t even want to get into her whining about her boyfriend and work. Get that cock-blocking, selfish c-bag the f*ck outta there!
- Apparently lighting a grill takes a Master degree. Those bros who are in school, make sure to take Grilling 101. Don’t embarrass yourself like these clowns.
Still to come:
Next week is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Snickers tells some dude to get his ugly ass out of her face and he clocks her across the face and gets arrested. Pauly D and The Situation have too many girls to deal with at the same time. Finally, Sammi gets to the bottom of the Jwoww and Ronnie story. The countdown is on. “