The Perfect Holiday Party Recovery Strategy: Week 14 of the NFL

by 11 years ago

[inline:nfl]The holiday season brings many a party. You’ve got your office holiday party, your friends’ holiday parties, and Christmas-themed bar crawls. (Sidenote: We have our 12 Bars of Christmas charity bar crawl in New York City this weekend, which should have about 700 people. I highly suggest you look to participate in your city’s 12 Bars of Christmas next year. They exist in most major cities like New York, Boston, Chicago, Tampa, and Seattle to name a few. It’s the kind of shit show that your body can only handle once a year. It’s a barrel of fun.) I read an article a couple weeks ago saying that people weren’t as interested in having office flings as they were in previous years. People must be worried about losing their job in this economy if the situation with a co-worker gets a little sticky. What you should really be worried about is sloppily making out with an ugly co-worker in the back corner or letting loose on the dance floor like you’re Elaine Benes. Making a good score can’t hurt you too badly, but being the topic of water cooler talk on Monday morning because you disappeared into the janitor’s closet with the ugly intern whose propensity for body hair earned her the nicknamed of Mufasa will never go away.

This all leads me to talk about the Pittsburgh Steelers, who have now lost to the Raiders and Browns in consecutive weeks. Don’t forget they lost to Kansas City recently as well. How can a Super Bowl Champion returning its entire core embarrass itself so much? There must be some serious locker room issues down there. While we wait for Mike Tomlin’s group to unleash hell, I’m going get my liver prepared for the sound beating it will encounter in the coming weeks. Apologies in advance for the somewhat abbreviated version of this week’s picks.

Locks of the Week:

Green Bay (-3) over Chicago

The Packers are flying high after four straight wins and I don’t see the Bears getting in their way. The Packers are second in the league in interceptions and we know Jay Cutler loves his interceptions. I’m going back to my assessment from three weeks ago where I’m no longer backing Jay Cutler. I must’ve been drunk or something.

San Diego (+3) over DALLAS

I learned my lesson backing the Cowboys in December games last week. The Chargers are an unstoppable force on offense right now. Despite the fact that Phil Rivers is the kind of quarterback who would pillage the shit outta your village and ravage your women, I won’t pick against him. In other news, Tony Romo is back being the holder on field goals and extra points attempted. We all remember the last time that happened…

Arizona (-3) over San Francisco

I’m not sure why the 49ers get this kind of respect because they’ve lost six of eight and their two wins in that time have come against a pathetic Bears team and a Jaguars team that doesn’t travel well. I know this would be Cardinals -9 if it was in Arizona (based on the Vegas 6 point swing for home field advantage), but three points just doesn’t seem like enough. I feel confident about Arizona winning this game and I don’t see any reason why it’ll be a field goal affair once you add in the revenge factor from their first encounter.

Trap Game of the Week:

Carolina (+13.5) over NEW ENGLAND

Loyalists out there are sure that the Patriots will bounce back this week. Bellichick’s been embarrassed, he’s working against an unproven quarterback, and he’s spent hours devising a victorious gameplan. I used to think that way. Then the 4th down against the Colts happened and the shine was somewhat lost. Following the debacle in Miami, I’m sure he’s lost his mind. Still, it’s hard to put full faith in Matt Moore for a road effort. Like I said last night, I’m backing all the heavy dogs this week, so Carolina’s the play.

Rest of the Picks:

ATLANTA (+10.5) over New Orleans.

Normally I’d go with the Saints here, but heavy underdogs are going to keep me honest this week.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7) over Denver

Just when you think the Colts are starting to lose it, they put up their best effort in weeks against the Titans last week. They need to win one more game to gain home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. I’m thinking they lay the lumber on the Broncos.

KANSAS CITY (PK) over Buffalo

I still think the Chiefs are frisky, so I’ll take them and the legendary Arrowhead crowd.

Cincinnati (+6.5) over Minnesota

After the Bengals spent the last two weeks giving away the respect they finally earned, they have the chance to get some of it back. They seem like the classic “play to the level of their opponent team.”

TAMPA BAY (+3) over N.Y. Jets

Just when you think the Jets are ready to jump right back into the playoff race, they disappoint their fans per usual.

JACKSONVILLE (-2.5) over Miami

I learned my lesson with betting against the Jags at home last week. Besides, Miami seems to lay eggs whenever you start to think they’re a quality team.

Detroit (+13) over BALTIMORE

Once again I’m taking the big underdog.

Washington (-1) over OAKLAND

This game represents two bad teams that have actually improved since the first half of the season. I feel like the Raiders are only capable of winning games when they’re heavily motivated. The Redskins aren’t exactly something to be motivated for…

HOUSTON (-6) over Seattle

Both these teams are utterly disappointing. They both reflect poor coaching in terms of their running back situations. Despite having a Pro Bowl-level quarterback, Houston called for a halfback option pass in the red zone last week. Zubiak’s such a f*cking a**hole. And Jim Mora keeps going back to Julius Jones, the definition of mediocre, despite Justin Forsett’s performance when Jones was out. Maybe head coaches should have to take the Wonderlic test.

St. Louis (+13) over TENNESSEE

You already should know why I’m taking the Rams and if you don’t, you haven’t been paying attention.

N.Y. Giants (-1) over Philadelphia

I’m not sure where I stand with the Giants. I found myself emotionally spent after seven weeks and it’s been hard for me to get excited about their win against the Cowboys. Every year I expect them to split their games with the Eagles and so I’ll go with them after the embarrassment at the Linc earlier this season. I still wish defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan would dial up the blitz more.

Season Record: 94-81-2 (54.0%)

Last week: 5-11

Survivor: 10-2

Locks: 19-21 “