Top 10 People I Hate Seeing in High Definition
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This is a list of 10 people that should never be allowed to appear in high definition. Now I am not saying that they are the ugliest people in the world. All I’m saying that maybe they could have like a box around their heads or something that would be in standard definition so that the general public could be saved from viewing discomfort and night terrors.
10. Maggie Gyllenhaal
Maggie Gyllenhaal and her saggy grandma basset hound face came very close to single-handedly ruining “The Dark Knight” for me. There really is something to be said when you are outperformed by Katie Homes.
9. John Clayton
South Park Elementary School’s Mr. Mackey? Beeker from “The Muppet Show”? Both of those are pretty good comparisons. I prefer to think of John Clayton as a still frame of that Nazi guy from “The Last Crusade,” right after he drinks from the wrong Holy Grail, but before he breaks into dust.
8. Jane Adams
Reason #218 as to why the show “Hung” sucks. If I wanted to watch a shittier version of “Californiacation,” I would just watch a movie adapted from a Brett Easton Ellis novel. Sorry, thats the only smart joke I am going to throw into this article, promise.
7. Clint Howard
Except in “Apollo 13.” He helped bring those astronauts back home alive.
6. Drew Barrymore
Drew Barrymore phone home.
5. Al Davis
Nothing better than a nice relaxing Sunday of wings, beer, and high-definition football. Wait, who let Freddy Kruger buy a team? Take a cue from Jason. At least he is considerate enough to wear a mask. I’ll also accept any jokes comparing him to the “Tales From the Crypt” skull guy.
4. Michael Moore
Its like Chunk and Sloth from “The Goonies” consummated their forbidden love and gave birth to this creature. It could also be the offspring between Jabba the Hut and that little giggly rat thing that hangs out with him. You be the judge.
3. Richard Kiel
Who the hell is Richard Kiel? He played Happy Gilmore’s boss, Mr. Larson. Yeah. Don’t tell him I said anything though. I heard he also has a short fuse and I don’t want to count on him waiting for me in the parking lot. I also think he played Jaws. Not the shark, the James Bond villain.
2. Larry King
Professor Farnsworth? Is that you? Well either way, in HD I can pretty much see you decomposing already.
1. Any adult entertainment star
When adult entertainment stars are in HD, I either start introducing paused still frames to my parents as my new girlfriend or have to run to the bathroom to throw up in between jerk-off sessions. Either way, too much detail is not a good thing here.
Honorable Mention: Jorge Cantu
P.S. Can anyone explain to my why women can’t tell the difference between standard definition and high definition? I’m not trying to be sexist this time, it just kind of blows my mind. “