The Top 10 Midgets in Hollywood

by 9 years ago

[inline:waffles]In the ’80s and ’90s, holiday movies held water; hits like “Christmas Vacation,” “A Christmas Story,” and “Home Alone” set an almost unattainable standard for movies that would succeed them. It’s no great secret that most of the Christmas movies we have today — aside from maybe “Elf” and “Bad Santa” — suck more dick than our lovely adult entertainment stars of the week (See: anything Tim Allen has ever done). But like the herpes on Rudolph’s nose, there is a bright spot in all of this: the holiday films of today are almost single handedly keeping the acting community that suffers from dwarfism in business.

Type cast as elves, little people have been a hot commodity in holiday flicks (especially those about Santa) over the last decade. Sure, some tiny peeps have flourished outside of the elf community — Peter Dinklage especially — and we will not forget them, but since it’s the Christmas season, I thought what better time to unleash a list of our favorite Hollywood midgets, dwarves, little people, or whatever the f*ck the preferred nomenclature is for these people.

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Verne Troyer

Does anyone else find it at all peculiar that Mini Me has a sex tape? His fingers look like f*cking cocktail wieners so you have to wonder just who and what he is pleasuring with the golf pencil (that’s a gift) he keeps in his diaper, uh, I mean, underwear. I would not be surprised if he f*cked Cabbage Patch Kids in his spare time.

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Little People Big World

My heart goes out to the two normal-sized kids in this family. Close your eyes for a minute and picture the hell it must be growing up with little elves for parents. I seriously don’t know how these kids do it. They have self-control beyond my wildest dreams. I mean, if I were them, the moment my bite-sized father tried to tell me — a boy four times his size — to take out the trash, I’d chuck that little f*cker into the garbage pail, drag his ass to the curb, and then for good measure I’d piss on him while I belted out the lyrics to “It’s a Small World.”

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Wee Man (Jason Acuna)

This tater tot used to be a professional skate boarder until “Jackass” made him a celebrity. I have to give him some props; for being such a little dude he has a big set of balls in his trousers. “Jackass” would not have been the same with out him. Manny Puig, on the other hand, was expendable.

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Gary Colman

Is he a midget? I don’t know. He doesn’t have the usual 6-gallon head that accompanies most little people but he is like 4 feet tall. Even if he isn’t a midget in the conventional sense of the word, he still makes the list. Gary is famous for consistently asking his T.V. brother, Willis, what he was talking about. Sounds to me like the f*cker needed a hearing aid.

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Emmanuel Lewis

Webster has the same “is he a real midget?” issue as Gary Colman, though he still resembles an adorable little boy at the age of 38. The real question, though, is if Michael Jackson knew that he was 20 years old when he tried to mol*st him?

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Oompa Loompas

If “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” wasn’t made by Hollywood in an effort to promote midget slavery then I wasn’t made by my parents to wreak havoc on cervical hoods. It seemed to me like the Oompa Loompas were being held against their will and when I researched it I couldn’t find these actors in subsequent movies. Legend has it that once filming concluded, all of the Oompa Loompas were taken out to pasture and euthanized. A cruel and wicked world we live in. To honor them, I would like to take this as an opportunity to recognize their contributions to the Guido community’s unyielding abuse of self-tanner.

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Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf

Unlike all others on this list, old Hank took the opposite approach to accepting his ill fate. He drank and was extremely bitter at someone about his ability to fit in a Micro Machine. Hank was a staple on the Stern show for years until he died from cirrhosis of the liver in late 2001. Rest in peace, sweet prince.

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Tony Cox

I wonder if black dwarves have bigger dicks than white ones. I bet they do. Aside from his endowment, Tony has been in the business for years and has had roles in several quality films. His biggest role, however, was that of a salty elf alongside Billy Bob Thorton in “Bad Santa.”

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Warwick Davis

This tiny leprechaun, believe it or not, was the star in the movie “Leprechaun.” Good Christ, he was so hideous in that movie, I couldn’t even eat Lucky Charms after watching it. Thanks for ruining a child’s breakfast, dick.

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Danny DeVito

Even though he never had a f*ckin’ prayer at succeeding in basketball, I still consider him the Yao Ming of little people. Some naysayers are probably saying he isn’t a dwarf but I’m not subscribing to that ignorant brand of thinking. At 4’10”, there is nothing else that he could possibly be, aside for maybe a nightstand.

Honorable Mention:

The Wizard of Oz Lollipop Guild

Herve Villechaize (“Fantasy Island”)

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