Make Sure You ‘GTL’ Before You Watch Another Episode of ‘Jersey Shore’

by 8 years ago

[inline:pauly]It was a big night at Mr. T’s house with Texas vs. Alabama on one TV and another episode of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” on the other. How can I make sure I give “Jersey Shore” the attention it deserves? Break out a running diary of the episode, that’s how. Let the madness begin.

10:01: It’s good to see Angelina in the opening credits. Oh how we miss her. Not!

10:02: GTL — Gym, tanning, laundry. “That’s how they make the Guidos” –Vinny. That’s why he doesn’t belong on the show. He’s a good dude, but he doesn’t completely fit in with the rest of them. You gotta stay fresh to death in order to be on this cast.

10:04: Kudos to Danny for not tossing Vinny out of the house. And he handles it well, too. He busts Vinny’s balls. He drops a line about getting Herpes. Well done.

10:05: Am I the only one incredibly excited to see what The Situation’s sister looks like? It can’t be good, right? At least Vinny is working with some momentum.

10:05: “He knows not to push it too far or I’m going to throw him in my trunk.” –The Situation in reference to Vinny vibing the sister over the phone.

10:07: Pauly D is blowing out Michael Cera’s hair in the commercial. How inspirational… That’s it — I’m growing my hair out!

10:09: Vinny sees Melissa, The Situation’s sister, and he’s not buying. Pauly D makes sure to point out that The Situation and his sister look alike. She’s got a decent little body on her, but you can definitely see the resemblance in the face.

10:10: “They send me out first like the Navy seals.” –The Situation

10:10: Vinny gets a few drinks in him and now Melissa doesn’t look so bad. Funny how that happens…

10:12: Typical shit from Sammi. She calls Ronnie a “stumpy bastard” and then can’t take an insult about her Fred Flinstone toe. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

10:14: Michael Cera gets his fake tan on. I guess we’re getting a tutorial on how to turn into a Guido. I’m not sure how they’re gonna drop muscles on him though.

10:17: Snickers’ booty call just jumped out of the bus to meet other chicks. That midget has no luck.

10:17: “Unbelievable, huh, Snooks? So hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date woman.” Now that was some wit. Pauly D stepping up.

10:19: It’s good to see Snickers realizes that Sammi is being a b*tch. She wants to smack her in the face. Do it for me. C’mon! Do it!

10:21: “You see the look in his eye? He’s ready to motorboat.” –Vinny when seeing Ronnie, after fighting with Sammi and ready to creep.

10:24: No muscles, but plenty of Ed Hardy T-shirts for Michael Cera. Hope you’re still taking notes…

10:27: It takes Ronnie like 20 minutes and then he turns around with his tail in between his legs. It’s back to relationship nausea. Where’s Gilbert Arenas when you need a gun?

10:28: Snickers has some pride. She doesn’t bang the dude when he rolls back to the house with the guys. “Lick my ass!” she says. Good for her, I guess…

10:29: Uh oh. The grenade is back! The Situation is f*cked.

10:29: The Situation sends Snickers to do his dirty work. That’s pretty f*cking sad. Man up, son!

10:31: Michael Cera is beating up the beat with the cast. Even he knows to go to the hot tub.

10:32: When seeing this new Taco Bell commercial aren’t you thinking: “Since when do hot chicks work at Taco Bell? There is no way any girl who looks like “Denise” and “not Denise” work at any Taco Bell I’ve ever been to — let alone the both of them in one location. Can I find them on the website via the store locator? I’d bang the shit outta both of em.

10:34: Whoa! Thar she blows! The whale is throwing slaps and exposing too much blubber. Thank God they can blur out the screen for that one. The sea was angry that day my friend, like an old man sending back soup at a deli.

10:35: And after all that it’s The Situation’s girl who gets arrested. He can really pick ’em.

10:36: Snickers starts hitting The Situation with the inflatable hammer and then grabs his junk. She’s a f*cking all-star.

10:37: Jesus. How many people from Vinny’s family need to come visit? He’s been gone for two weeks! At least they brought food.

10:43: Will “Dear Jon” be the worst movie ever? Take my word for it and save yourself the minute of watching the trailer. That commercial was brutal.

10:44: Snickers is earning major brownie points tonight. She just called out Ronnie and Sammi for standing in the corner every time the group goes out.

10:46: The producers are really turning on The Situation. They show him dialing up a bunch of broads and getting shot down left and right. Did this kid ever lay pipe or what?

10:48: Of course Ronnie only gets into a fight because his c-bag of a girlfriend was talking shit. Is Sammi good for anything?

10:52: MTV has rebounded from losing all the advertisers by plugging movies. Obviously they’re still running with the show, so it doesn’t seem to have affected them too much.

10:57: Of course Sammi goes all drama queen and says she’s not cool with Ronnie walking away from her. She started the fight by talking shit. She’s mad he pushed her?!? He barely f*cking touches her. That’s not raising a hand to a woman.

10:59: Sammi and Ronnie are such a dysfunctional dramatic couple.

11:00: The cast is heading to AC in the next episode. I’m excited. The Situation says Snickers has some rolls and Jwoww comes after him with a shot to the mouth.

As a footnote, it is worth noting “Jersey Shore After Hours,” the second of its kind this season, was rather disappointing compared to the first one. Sure Snickers does back flips, but it didn’t have the drama of finding out there was a history between Angelina and The Situation. I do again give the host credit for pushing the issues. She calls out The Situation for not defending Snickers. At least they justify that Ronnie didn’t actually push Sammi. “


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