College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of Johns Hopkins University

by 8 years ago

[inline:waffles]Note from Waffles: College Chick Breakdowns is a weekly piece that sets out to explore all different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. To date, with your help, we have dissected five large universities (links to those can be found after the post). If you have the urge to talk about the girls at your school or alma mater — even if they are gross to the fourth power — email me at and with your help, I will write all about them and their undying love for heartthrobs like you. If you are still in high school, take detailed notes.

Since a large majority of our readers come from the Northeast, enjoy lacrosse, and might be getting a tad sick of reading about sizzling hot broads from schools like ASU, Miami, and UCSB, I decided — after receiving an email from a reader and recent alum, anxious to help in this very endeavor — that this week we take a little adventure to a school known for its stellar lax and pre-med programs, Johns Hopkins University.

Located in stunning and completely safe (if you own a samurai sword) Baltimore, Md., Johns Hopkins is a small university with roughly 4,500 undergraduates — approximately eight of whom are attractive women. For those wondering, I came to that number using a series of complex algorithms, a Venn diagram, and a shit load of hearsay from former graduates.

I have nothing against Johns Hopkins University, so please do not take this breakdown the wrong way. Hell, my best friend’s middle name is John (his middle name is Scott) and I am a huge fan of Bernard Hopkins, so right there you know this isn’t a personal attack. I am merely a stork delivering a message and I would appreciate it if no one mailed me a dirty bomb because I do believe that JHU is a great institution; one that is only marred by its unfortunate-looking women and Baltimore’s surrounding ghettos. I am also convinced that anyone who is interested in academia, enjoys watching or playing elite lacrosse, or is 78% blind in both eyes will absolutely love attending this school.

The Looks Department

Our source — who goes by the alias, Sagan — tells us that he and his JHU comrades were adamant about giving the broads at their school a D (that does not stand for “a dick” in this instance) when it comes to the very important and incredibly shallow category we at BroBible like to call “Hotness.” In all fairness, however, it’s not as if hot chicks don’t exist at JHU, it’s just that if you prefer the majority of the women you see on a daily basis to be good looking — and not when only compared against a goat — then you should find yourself another school because Johns Hopkins isn’t for you.

The good news is, according to all of our Hopkins sources (and most road maps), the school is in close proximity to two colleges that are stockpiled with sexy vag*nas: Towson and Loyola (I am anxiously awaiting emails to help me write about them). Sagan says, “Although the chicks at Hopkins are pretty bad, we often had some success recruiting ‘Lo Hoes’ from Loyola University. You can’t beat Catholic girls gone wrong. I only wish that Loyola and Catholic Church would change their stance on birth control.” Those crazy Catholics and their conflicting ideologies are always f*cking men in the ass (See: decades of pederasty), aren’t they?

Sex Life

Girls at Hopkins aren’t exactly what one might call loose, willing, or DTF. They tend to have this outlook when it comes to sex: “Even though I want you to sink your cock inside me like an anchor to water, I don’t want to be looked at as a sl*t for doing so. Therefore, I am just going to be a chunk of lead all night.” These broads, as you probably imagine, can be real wet blankets but a true bro will prevail and f*ck at all costs.

[inline:squirrel]Due to the general lack of hot tail, most guys on campus — even the stud athletes — don a set of permanent beer goggles halfway through their freshman semester. In fact, Sagan’s good friend, a good-looking guy by all conventional standards (or so he tells me), used to throw his dick in a girl that they nicknamed “the f*cked-up squirrel.” She earned this distinction because one time when she bent over, a bushy tail of pubic wonder popped out of her running shorts. Legend has it that she also tested positive for rabies and harbored food in her cheeks during the winter months.

The D-Level (Sex) Challenge

In order to stay inline with the rest of the architecture on campus, the library at Hopkins, save for the first floor, is all underground. The deepest level in the building is the D-Level and Sagan tells me that many guys make it their personal mission to deep dick some pig on the D-Level after acing organic chemistry. Sagan himself has accomplished this feat, although, he was merely celebrating a series of good hair days, not a passing grade in orgo.

Party Habits

The nightlife at JHU is actually pretty good. Most of the partying takes place from Thursday through Saturday nights and the venues can vary from typical house/frat parties to bars/clubs. If you get sick of going out or just want a quiet evening in, you can simply open your front door, grab a couple beers and sit on your couch wielding a samurai sword hoping that some mother f*cker tries to rob you. (That story was too awesome to only mention once.)

The bars surrounding JHU close at 2 a.m. and most are within walking distance from the campus. Local spots favored by students include PJ’s Pub and Charles Village Pub. Guys looking to order apple martinis or grind their junk on some chick’s thigh all night can head to The Den, which is also nearby.

For those wanting to branch out and see some more attractive chicks, it’s only a short cab ride to Towson, Loyola, or Fells Point, which is a popular area down near the harbor. If you are feeling especially salty, D.C. — a city littered with scorching-hot tw*t — is not a bad option either.

Greek Life

Plenty tasteful euphemisms exist for the sorority chicks at JHU because like most schools, these despicable institutions specialize in professional cock blocking. The girls never party without their “sisters” and would literally jump in the way if you get too close to one of the sisters.

Here is how the girls at JHU stack up in certain areas:

Hotness: D

Willingness to f*ck (DTF): B-

Daddy’s bank roll: A-

Alcohol Consumption: B+

Intelligence: A+

Chillness: C-

Interest in Athletics: C (Only because of Lacrosse in the Spring)

Maintenance Level: C

Prevalence of Fake Tits: F

Overall Grade: C-

For those of you who have sent in some info regarding the kinds of tomatoes found in the gardens at your school, here is a list of the breakdowns that will be coming in the next month or so. Thanks again for all of your help; without it these articles would not be possible.


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