Waffles McButter’s 10-Step Guide to Breaking Up With a Girl
[inline:waff]A song, written by a real sad sap in the mid 1900s, once said that “breakin’ up is hard to do.” As simple as that song may be, I’m not sure if truer words have ever been spoken. Whether you are the recipient of the fatal blow or you are the one drop kicking your lover’s heart off an overpass, no one likes breaking up. We love the outcome, that’s for sure, but the act itself is oftentimes more excruciating than having a pickle jar forced up your ass — or so my grandma tells me.
Breakups are a part of life and they can happen to anyone. When a relationship breaks, the sex starts to suck, or the sight of your girlfriend makes you wish you lost both eyes in a fireworks accident, it’s time for a change. In some instances, we break up with girls without cause or good reason. Although, I would argue that yearning to stick our filthy dicks into some strange p*ssy is as good of a reason as any to toss your 10-cent floozy of a girlfriend, who f*cks like a dead fish, to the curb. Wouldn’t you?
In order to make future breakups as pain free as possible, I have come up with 10 easy to follow guidelines that will allow you to keep your sanity once you recklessly chuck some broad’s heart into oncoming traffic.
1. Cock Block Your Friends
Promoting cock blocking usually goes against everything I stand for, but once you throw a dagger in your girl’s heart, her next logical move will be to get revenge by way of f*cking all of your friends. Since men are inherently weak when someone points a loaded vag*na at them, she will succeed with at least two of your buddies if you don’t plan ahead. About a week or two before you break it off start dropping hints that several of your boys tag-teamed a diseased hooker a few weeks ago and now they all suddenly have herpes and every strand of hepatitis. This will buy you some peace of mind.
2. Always Break Up at Her Place
This will allow you to leave promptly after you place her life in ruins and avoid as much of her tears as possible. If you live with her or you do it at your place, you have potentially opened yourself up to hours worth of her misery and potentially homicide or another crime of passion.
3. Come Baring Gifts
One huge advantage to ripping her beating heart out at her place is that you can and should bring everything she ever left at your house with you. Any other scenario could cost you several of your prized possessions as she might refuse to give them back because they are a lasting memento of the love you once faked. Uh, I mean shared.
4. Be Clear With Your Intentions
Avoid using words that could lead her on to believe that you might want to work on it. Even if it is harsh, be blunt. Saying, “I don’t love you, I no longer want to be with you and it is my every intention to never see your face again,” will hurt her far less in the long run and it will let you dust this relationship under the rug and get to f*cking other girls as fast as possible. Which, after all, is the goal of this whole exercise.
5. You Weren’t Friends Before, You Aren’t Friends Now
When a girl’s heart is destroyed, she becomes an idiot and thinks that friendship is a way to hold onto hope. Do not let her trick you into this. When you pull the plug, do not offer her your friendship. Befriending her will only cause you grief when she sees you out in public, posing for hilarious pictures with your head jammed in between the well-endowed tits of some random bimbo.
6. Leave Her With Some Constructive Criticism
If something specific has been bothering you, tell her so that she can amend her flaws. I prefer the build and tear method, wherein you build her up with a compliment and then you tear her down like a flimsy shanty. Here is a lovely example: “Jenny, you are a gorgeous girl and after months of depression, I’m sure you will land on your feet. I just want you to know, though, that the only reason I always ate your a**hole was because your p*ssy tastes like shit. For your sake I hope you detonate a douchebomb in that hell hole before another guy has to suffer the way I did.” This is the kind of constructive criticism and subliminal messaging that will go a long way in helping her to become a better, and less offensive-smelling, lover.
7. Remove All Her Lifelines
Delete her from Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Google Talk, AIM, etc. The less accessibility she has to your business, the better. It is also a good rule of thumb to remove her friends and family from your social circle and online networks. Girls are crazy and will share accounts to keep tabs on you. I do, however, encourage you try to f*ck her hot friends. No reason to be wasteful.
8. Avoid Breakup Sex or Occasional Boning
It feels both terrific and validating to absolutely own another human being, but don’t let some chick flip the script on you by trying to get pregnant just so you can stay together. If a time comes (see: long slump) that you must f*ck her, don’t trust her when she claims to be on the pill. I suggest that you either use a condom or treat her like the clown that she is by blowing your load in your hand and then firing it in her face like a pie.
9. Learn the 5 D’s
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. Steer clear of your favorite spots for a while (bars, strip joints, coffee shops, brothels, etc.). Don’t go overboard and live in fear, but switch things up for a few weeks because if she thinks you might be there, her and the Nazi regime that she calls friends will no doubt orchestrate an “accidental” public run-in and/or lynching. Although, I’m fairly certain you cannot “accidentally” lynch someone.
10. Handling Your New Chick
At some point, she is going to ask why your relationship with your previous girlfriend went sour. Do yourself a favor and lie because she doesn’t want to hear the truth is that you scrammed because your ex’s p*ssy smelled like a pot of boiling shit.