What Should a Single Bro Do on Valentine’s Day?
Editor’s Note: This piece ran early last week, but we thought we’d reissue it today, just in time for Valentine’s Day weekend.
[inline:waffles]This is the latest installment of Ask A Bro with Waffles McButter. Got a question of your own for Waffles? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also now follow Waffles on Twitter or be his friend on Facebook.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Do you have any advice for all of us single bros who don’t want to take some random out to dinner but still want to tear it up?
This year, just like last, the stars are aligned for the single bro looking to make unfamiliar ends meet on Valentine’s Day. We all hate Valentine’s Day, but this year, the king of all Hallmark holidays is falling on a weekend and that is cause for a jovial celebration. The 14th is a Sunday but most couples will be celebrating their temporary love for each other on Saturday night, which is exactly why all single men should be licking their filthy chops with anticipation.
Being single and on the prowl for chicks when Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend is like going hunting with a rocket launcher. Your aim (or game) doesn’t have to be precise; you just have to shoot in the general direction of your target to obtain favorable results (i.e. sexual intercourse). There is literally no other night when every single woman in the bar is going to be single. If you can’t stalk and mount your prey — or even take down some fenced-in livestock — on this night, you should be stripped of your manhood. And by that I mean one of your best friends should shove your dick into a meat grinder.
At a certain age, Valentine’s Day becomes agonizing torture for a single woman. It offers up the harsh realization that she is alone and, along with her looks, her uterus’s shelf-life is slowly fading away. So rather than spend the evening alone, wallowing in her own self-pity and a pint of her salty tears, the woman calls all of her other single friends and together they hit the town looking for men, which — like pieces to a sexual puzzle — is where we fit in.
To maximize your results, I suggest that you and a couple of your buddies do one of two things. Either head out and find some strange at a bar (this should not be hard at all) or have pre-game at one of your places and invite a few single ladies who may or may not be known as hoes in some social circles. The key to option two, however, is that you all get so smashed that you never wind up making it out. A couple years ago, some friends and I executed this exact scenario to near perfection. Those in attendance will forever refer to it as “The Valentine’s Day Massacre.” No one was injured during the evening, but we gave it this name because not only did we all slay new vag, but one of the girls irresponsibly failed to tell my friend that her tw*t was on the fritz and the classless hooker f*cked him on the sofa spilling about a liter of her DNA on his crotch and my couch. And some broads wonder why they are still single…