The 15 Acceptable Chick Flicks a Bro Can Be Forced to Watch This Valentine’s Day
[inline:waffles]Valentine’s Day is just days away and while men, like you and I, loathe the holiday, the thought of having to see the cinematic atrocity named in its honor is about as enticing to most of us as getting warts burned off our dicks. Since the movie is coming out on Friday and women the world over will be yearning to haul men to see it (if they haven’t already dragged you to “Dear John,” we thought today would be a good day to talk about chick flicks that a man might not mind seeing if he ever finds himself in such a situation — void of any other options or modes of suicide.
Chick flicks are not an area of my expertise nor are they a pastime that I relish, but I will admit, I have been dragged or forced to see several estrogen boosters in my day. Some have made me wish I had diabetes, while others have been bearable because either the plot wasn’t terrible, or the movie itself caused the chick I was with to get extremely turned on — the thought of love does that sort of thing to most broads. A chick flick can range from anything from a romantic comedy to a sob-fest drama to even a movie about a woman making her mark in the world. Apparently being a whiz in the kitchen or touted as a mean seamstress isn’t enough these days.
Below is a list of the 15 movies that the BroBible crew and I came up with, along with my best effort to convince you as to why seeing one of these movies might not be as torturous as you may think. To put it another way, when you have to compromise with a chick (and one day you will), these movies are going to be way less painful for you than watching “Titanic,” “Nights in Rodanthe,” or having a railroad spike shoved in your eye.
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams
Why it’s acceptable to see it: The guy builds a house with his bare hands, grows a sick beard in the process, and ultimately the gorgeous broad comes crawling back to him — male domination at its finest. Oh, and if this doesn’t steam your girl’s clam, nothing will.
Starring:Hugh Grant, Keira Knightley, Liam Neesom, and many more
Why it’s acceptable to see it: According to IMDB, it’s Rated R for sexuality, nud*ty, and language. I’ve never seen this movie but with sex, tits, and loads of expletives, how bad could it be? (Insert “Hugh Grant sucks” jokes here.) [Editor’s Note: All that sex and tits are because two characters work as stand-ins for actors during sex scenes; they’re nekked almost the entire movie.]
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau
Why it’s acceptable to see it: This is a chick flick designed for guys. Obviously it isn’t “Wedding Crashers,” “The Hangover,” or “Swingers,” but broads love watching movies about breakups and love, so at least we get Vaughn, Favreau, and Bateman to toss out a few memorable lines and make it worth seeing. “Arrested for what, baby? For being awesome?”
Starring: Piper Perabo, Maria Bello, Bridget Moynahan, Tyra Banks, John Goodman
Why it’s acceptable to see it: Hot chicks and lots of them. If the cast was full of toads, this might have been the worst movie ever made. Thankfully, it wasn’t.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral”
Starring: Hugh Grant, Andie MacDowell, and a bunch of other hacks who are no longer famous
Why it’s acceptable to see it: As young men, most of us can relate to this movie because its about people who love getting random ass and can’t see themselves ever getting married. Hell, just the thought of that brings a salty tear to my eye.
“What Women Want”
Starring: Mel Gibson, Marisa Tomei, Helen Hunt
Why it’s acceptable to see it: Helen Hunt is very unattractive, Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite, and the sky is blue, but any man who wouldn’t love knowing what women are thinking and which ones wanted to f*ck him should turn his teeth in backwards and bite his own throat.
“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”
Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey
Why it’s acceptable to see it: Because you’ve all seen it already (don’t lie) and it has to be the least toxic romantic comedy starring McConaughy.
Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman
Why it’s acceptable to see it: I have never seen this because I hate old movies, but it’s a classic and with a name like Humphrey, you better believe he can stimulate a labia like its nobody’s business. [Editor’s Note: It’s a f*cking disgrace that Waffles and probably many of the rest of you have never seen “Casablanca.” One of the best movies of all time. See it.]
“When Harry Met Sally”
Starring: Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan
Why it’s acceptable to see it: I like this movie because it asks the age-old question, “Can a man and a women be friends without ever having sex?” For a man, the answer to that is obviously no, because unless the girl is obese or unsightly, we won’t rest until we bang the f*ck out of her like pots and pans on New Years Eve. Incidentally, it takes until New Years Eve ten years after they’ve met for Harry and Sally to figure that out.
Starring: Joey Lauren Adams, Jason Lee, Casey and Ben Affleck
Why it’s acceptable to see it: The movie was written by Kevin Smith in the height of the Jay and Silent Bob craze. Plus, the main characters in the movie are authors of a comic book called “Bluntman and Chronic”; need I say more?
Starring: Lindsey Lohan, Rachel McAdams
Why it’s acceptable to see it: Broads acting like uncivil tw*ts and the nostalgia of a young, vibrant, healthy-looking Lindsey Lohan prior to five years of substance abuse.
“10 Things I Hate About You”
Starring: Heath Ledger, Julia Stiles, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Andrew Keegan
Why it’s acceptable to see it: You can’t lose with Andrew Keegan, the guy is a total Bro. “Oh, I’ll stay away from your sister, but I can’t guarantee she’ll stay away from me.”
Starring: Cher, Nicolas Cage, Danny Aiello
Why it’s acceptable to see it: This is another one on the list that I haven’t seen and based on that fruity movie poster (above) I could see why any man would be deterred from seeing it. But, our own AG says that even though he typically hates Cage and Cher, they both deliver great performances in this very well-done, not-so-sugarcoated romantic comedy. So it might not be your worst option when your lead sled wants to see a chick flick.
Starring: John Cusack, Iben Hjejle, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jack Black
Why it’s acceptable to see it: In the movie, Cusack’s character, Rob, owns a record store (bad ass), loses his girlfriend because he doesn’t want to grow up (typical), and enjoys making numerical lists (just like us).
“You’ve Got Mail”
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Dave Chappelle
Why it’s acceptable to see it: Otherwise known as “Sleepless in Seattle 2,” on the surface, this movie doesn’t appeal to me. Internet dating, book reading, and Meg Ryan are three things that I’d rather not have in my life. But, even with those large strikes against it, when I saw this, in high school, I didn’t mind it.
Other Movies You Might Be Able to Stomach:
“Sense and Sensibility”
Did we miss any? Have any we should omit? Or just want to take the opportunity to tell us we suck at life (Heywood Jabroni, you cock sucker)? Blast off in the comments. “