Someone Finally Invented An Alternative To The Conventional Umbrella. Only Catch: It Looks Like A Humungous Dildo.

For years, I’ve been racking my insufficient brain trying to figure out a solution to New York City’s umbrella problem. Without a doubt, this has to be the worst city in the world to live in when it’s raining. Trying to walk on the sidewalks in NYC when it’s pouring outside takes a great deal of knowledge in tactical maneuvering. There’s only so much sidewalk space to be had and the beandick with the fucking golf umbrella is usually monopolizing 90% of it. Fuck you, beandick.

That is why this invention fascinates me. It is PERFECT for city living. It’s slim, fairly compact, and, best of all, you won’t be a goddamn¬†nuisance to your fellow foot soldiers. What else fascinates me is that the geniuses at Dyson didn’t think of this. It has their stench of “we fix things with air” all over it.

Sure, the Air Umbrella looks like a dildo and only has enough battery juice to work for 30 minutes on one charge, but I still want one. If the power runs out, I’ll just take my sceptre of an umbrella and start swinging it around like a riot baton until someone hits the ground and their regular umbrella somehow winds up in my deadly hands.

J.Camm is the Managing Partner and Editor-in-Chief of BroBible.