What Do I Do When A Girl REFUSES To Text First? Plus, Should I Spend Time Dating A Cougar Or Go For Younger Girls?
Welcome back to this week’s “Ask a Babe,” a column in which I sit here and answer the same 5 questions about women asked in different ways over and over again. Hopefully this week not everything is about sex or bangin’ it out with chicks…but let’s not kid ourselves. That’s going to be EVERY question in here! In which case, feel free to submit your own original questions. So let’s get started!
Q: So how do I get my wife to swallow?? She gives great head and lets me cum in her mouth but she just won’t swallow! I know it’s a stupid thing but it’s a mental thing on my part?
A: It’s called bribery, dude, use it. Before she starts going down on you be like “If you swallow I’ll take you out to dinner and let you have control of the remote for 3 hours on Sunday,” or whatever your wife likes to do. The only trick here is that you have to hold up your side of the deal, because if you break it she’s going to be all like “Go FUCK yourself” the next time you ask her to swallow because she knows you’ll renig on your deal.
It’s also possible that you just bust wayyy too much jizz. Who likes having a gallon of jizz in their mouths? No one, that’s who. If you don’t jerk it regularly and the only time you bust is in her mouth you’re probably unloading gobs and gobs of hot sticky pent-up jizz all up in there. Does that sound appealing? No. So jerk it daily so your wife doesn’t feel like she’s drowning in cum the next time you bust in her mouth.
Q: I think I fucked up last Christmas last year. I did the dinner, the cute gift from Santa of champagne glasses for both of us, the champagne of course, the leggings she was looking at earlier in the year, a set of earnings, and then the last minute oh what’s this in my pocket? A diamond bracelet. My question is, this will be our fourth Christmas, what would be a good follow up this year (barring flying to St. Barths)?
A: I don’t understand how you went from “Cute Christmas dinner where I give her barely-acceptable pants” to “HERE’S A BUNCH OF DIAMONDS.” Obviously I don’t know your girlfriend/wife/sister (ew) so I don’t know what she likes, but believe it or not surprises are overrated. What do you think she’d prefer, that you surprise her with something she doesn’t want or that you sit her down and say “Look, I don’t know how to top last year or even if I SHOULD try to top last year, so could you point me in the right direction when it comes to buying you a Christmas gift?” Just make sure that when you ask her what she’d like that you specify that flying to St. Barths isn’t an option.
Q: So me and my close female friend have hooked up in the past. I’m starting to grow feelings for her, but she is wishy washy on us and recently made out (with a rando) in front of me. Do I just completely say fuck it and stop talking to her, go back to being friends, or keep on going for it (who knows maybe she’s just nervous).
A: For starters, when you say “hooked up in the past” I’m going to assume that it’s been a while since you two have banged. Why? Because if you’d hooked up recently you probably would’ve said “hooking up” to imply that it’s a continuous thing instead of “hooked up,” which means it’s been a while. If the two of you haven’t gotten together to dirty your sheets recently and she’s all “meh” about it, then you should probably just go back to being friends. Most likely she doesn’t know how to say that without breaking your heart, so instead she’s giving you passive aggressive hints (making out with a rando) to basically say “gtfo plz kthxbiii.”
Q: You’re hot and seem awesome. Let’s get coffee sometime or we could just bang it out real quick. Or we could do both because I’m a gentlemen
Q: How do I deal with chick who never texts first? I used to date her and she was always like that, even when we were in a relationship. I am tired to always come up with some smooth and funny start of conversation. What should I do?
A: Stop being a spineless noodle and don’t text her first, duh. If she wants to talk to you she’ll text you, and if she wants to be a stubborn turd and have you text first well then too fuckin’ bad sister, it’s time to stop with the attempt at being a power player and act like you’re 20 and not 2. Trust me, if you go long enough without texting her she’ll text you first, and if not then it means she doesn’t want to talk to you anyway.
Q: I’ve been dating a 44 year old woman for over a year (I’m 28, she’s not rich or anything I’m just a mature guy) ; love her, she’s great but in the back of my mind is the idea that if I go at it for a few more years I’ll be missing out on my youth.
A: Uhhh I hate to be the one to tell you this…oh who am I kidding, no I don’t. You’re not “young” dude, you’re almost thirty. You’ve been out of college for 7 years at this point, most people your age are married by this point and you were actually old enough during the 90’s to appreciate Nickelodeon in its prime. You’re also over 1/3rd of the way to being dead since life expectancy in the United States ~80 years old, if you wanna think of it like that.
Point is, you’re not young anymore. If I’m not married by the time I’m 30 there’s a good chance I’m just going to throw myself off of some bridge because from where I’m standing, dating when you’re over 30 is basically picking from everyone else’s leftovers since all the good ones got hitched already. If you like her, stick with it. If you don’t like her, don’t. But don’t bail out on someone you love just because you think you’re “young.”
Q: So my fraternity is throwing a Halloween party this year and I was wondering if I should ask my hot volleyball teacher to come, and if I should how should I ask? By the way I’m a freshman and she is like 23 with a bubbly personality and is genuinely nice. I am also the guy who always talks in class and is probably the most friendly guy in it.
A: I knew you were a freshman even before you told me you were, you know how? Because you’re thinking of asking your teacher to a Halloween party. Only a deluded college freshman would think “Oh boy, Halloween and there’s parties! Maybe my hot teacher will wanna come?” Kid, she’s 23. Most people at frat parties are 18-20, because by the time you turn 21 you don’t give a shit about getting drunk off $12 handles of vodka in some stuffy house with a bunch of children and would rather go to the bar. She doesn’t want to go to your frat party, and I’m honestly embarrassed for you that you even thought for a minute she would want to go.
Q: What does a guy have to do to take YOU out?
A: Well if we’re going off of what my boyfriend does, you have to fart almost non-stop and unintentionally fail a couple of classes so that you have to take a victory lap in college. Oh and be sweaty, ALWAYS. Never stop sweating, even when I’m like “Dude what the hell it’s like 50 degrees outside,” and then once you’re sopping wet refuse to shower because “I don’t smell THAT bad.”
Q: I’m a sophomore at a big ten school and for the last year my sister, who I’m pretty close with, has been asking to visit. This year she’ll be coming over on Halloween, one of the top 3 reckless nights of the year. I want to show her a good time and hit up a few parties but I’m worried about all the douchebag bros that inhabit the local bars and lurk around parties. Now I wouldn’t describe myself as a violent guy but when I’m loose off the goose there’s no telling what could happen and I get the feeling that some idiot attempting the pathetic grind from behind tactic might set me off. My question to you is: how can I show my sis a good time without making an ass out of myself?
A: If your sister is old enough to get into the bars, then she’s old enough to handle her own shit and tell creepy douches to fuck off. If she’s NOT and she’s gonna use a fake I.D. to get into the bars, well, it’ll be a learning experience. You can’t be there to protect your sister 24/7, which means she’ll have to at some point figure out how to politely (or rudely, in my case) say “You’re gross, gtfo, bye.” The sooner she learns the better off she is.
Now that’s not to say that you have to drop your sister into a giant group of dickbags and say “Okay have fun don’t get assaulted!” as you stroll off into the sunset. Of course you should keep an eye on her, and if someone is getting overly aggressive and you can tell she’s getting uncomfortable then obviously you should intervene. But if it’s just some dude trying to grind on her butt and she seems okay with it or manages to escape him on her own? Let her do her thing. It’s better to let her learn while you’re there to “supervise” than to have something potentially awful happen down the road and have her not be able to handle her shit because she never learned.
Well that’s it for this week! By the way, don’t call me Babe. I don’t care that it’s the title of the column, I am not a “Babe.” Feel free to call me “Martinson” though. Oh, and if your question didn’t get answered it’s probably because there were so many grammar mistakes in it that answering it would’ve required an extra 15 minutes of editing to make it readable, or that you called me “Babe.” If you think you can avoid both of those little stipulations, click here to submit your own question.
[Header image via Shutterstock]