Getting Your Girl to Send You Nekked Pics, Not M*sturbating on Weekends, and Choosing a Fraternity

by 7 years ago

Q. I recently tried to persuade my girlfriend into sending me nekked pics. She came back at me with an arrangement protecting herself if we were to ever break up and I was to potentially leak them. She's happy to send some my way if (serious if) she can take a picture of me going down on her. Thoughts? Think it’s worth it?

A. That's the most “worth it” proposition I’ve ever heard.  Do this AT ONCE! You get all the nekked pics of her you can consume and in return you give up only one of you eating from her trough? Are you kidding me? There’s no way you lose here.

Unlike all the sl*tty pics your chick is going to take, even if you have a political career on the line someday, and the photo happens to surface, I can’t see it being anything but an asset. First, your dick won’t be in it, so judging your ability to lead based on its size won’t happen — although, having it in the photo will do you a favor if the thing's a skyscraper. Second, imagine all the broads who will think you’re the ace of spades for servicing that poor tw*t like you did. Women find philanthropy like that very sexy. Third, if you throw in a wink, a prop, or a shocker, you’ll have now won the hearts of both genders. LANDSLIDE VICTORY.

In closing, give a killer pose, get those nekked pics of your lady, and years from now thank me in your acceptance speech for giving you a bulletproof campaign strategy.

Q. Assuming you're a college graduate, if you could go back to choosing a college to attend, would you go to a college with great parties, hot girls, and a bad job placement rate in your chosen major? Or would you sacrifice attractive girls to go to a four-year college that is mostly made up of a corp of cadets, and study a major that will guarantee you a job making six figures your first year out of college?

A. I am a college graduate, thanks. If I could go back and have that choice I’d have to turn back the clock to 8th grade and start giving a f*ck about academics then because while I got into decent schools, none of them were six-figure farms.

To do it all again, I don’t think I would change anything. Actually, I might have attended an even bigger school than University of Miami, really blown it out of the water. No holds barred style.

The problem with this question is it assumes that I had any idea what I really wanted to do when I was a senior in high school. Back then I wanted to play golf and have org*sms. I pretended I wanted to be in finance because it sounded cool, but it was never my life’s passion. And I couldn’t brainwash myself into believing it was. So here I am, cultivating young minds, one queef joke at a time.

Q. Hey Bro, I just turned 18 and I am completely ashamed to say this but: I am still a virgin. And this is no religious or celibate thing. I just can't land a chick. It is getting upsetting whenever my friends start talking about f*cking and I am there awkwardly listening, not knowing what to do. I am a Senior in high school and I am pretty popular; I play football, I won best laugh in the yearbook, my friends are all popular, too, they get girls, but I don't. I need your help. What do I do?

A. You need to first take a good look at yourself and figure out what the f*ck you have going on that’s not doing it for the ladies. It could be anything really, so without seeing you or spending any substantial amount of time with you (6 or 7 minutes tops) I can’t pinpoint what gives. But here are a list of things that could be leading to your lack of success:

  • You're annoying, overly-conceded, socially awkward, or corny.
  • Some girl has started rumors about your hook-up abilities, e.g. you’re a bad kisser, an aggressive n*pple sucker, a coarse finger blaster, etc.
  • You have crippling HSB, or “Horse Shit Breath” to the layperson.
  • People mistakenly think you prefer dudes.
  • You do outwardly disgusting things around chicks.
  • Your crotch boasts a dense patch of never-before-groomed pubes.
  • Someone pants'd you in gym class and in that fortuitous moment your dick hung mightily, like a stick of Freedent gum.
  • Your name is Joel.

So many possibilities here but chances are you already know what the problem is. It's just up to you to change that about yourself. And if you don’t want to, f*ck it. Some sl*t is bound to drunkenly stumble into your life in college and all she’ll care about is if you can get stiff for three minutes.

Q. What is the your take on beating off (m*sturbating) before/during a weekend?

Abstinence makes for a harder boner if you are successful in your endeavors. Also, some say there is increased sex drive that accompanies lack of m*sturbation, which — they say — is pivotal in approaching chicks at bars. In my experience, I am crazy h*rny all the time; and I approach chicks with reckless abandon every night (even if i have utilized Rachel Starr 11 times in the four hours preceding my going out). On the other hand, if you have recently m*sturbated, you may be able to maintain your boner for a more impressive duration (assuming you have been successful in fooling a young lass to accompany you back).

To m*sturbate or not to m*sturbate? That is the question; what is your philosophy? Note: Not beating off for two or more days makes for an epic explosion on Sunday. Should this be taken into account?

A. Interesting question. With two opposing schools of thought. And after giving this thoughtless consideration I have to say I stand with those who jerk-off when they want to and lets the pieces fall where they may later.

For one, you do tend to last longer if you already strung one out earlier, and, second, saying you’re less likely to hit on girls if you’ve already blown a load is a load itself. Who the hell has jerked off and then was like “naw I’m good” when their friends wanted to hit on girls at a bar?

As for the epic-end-of-weekend-explosion you speak of (should you strike out), that’s really a non-factor in my mind, and it'll only serve as a reminder of your unsuccessful weekend. Maybe I’m wrong here, but I don’t think a consolation prize for not getting any ass is shooting a load into your own hair on Sunday night.

Q. With Facebook's new “timeline” layout – that’s going to be the new default layout I found out recently — you post a picture as a banner. What’s a good kind of pic to post? I realize this is an odd question, but I’m not going to put a picture of me and the guys “slaggin around town” or some shit like that… as if there was photographic evidence of the shit that happens after 12 a.m. A Bro's take on this would be appreciated.

A. Honestly, and all joking aside, I’d put the most vanilla shit you can find in there because you never know who is going to come across your page and how THAT might affect your life. Essentially that’s all Facebook is: a repository for all the awesome shit you’ve done that’ll someday, more than likely, destroy a valued part of your life.

So put up a photo that’s predictable. For instance, if I were into decorating online walls, I’d probably choose a golf landscape, my favorite album cover, or screen shot from Two Girls One Cup.

Q. Love the blog and I love you J. Camm (no homo). Your advice has helped me tremendously… but girl drama has yet again taken over my high school life.

So my junior prom date (I'm a senior) likes me. Whoopie, it's great and all and can lead to a hookup later on, but I'll be the judge of that in the coming weeks. Now here’s where it gets interesting: One of my date's friends wants to get with me and sabotage my date's chances of getting with me. And this “saboteur” is also of the sister of my older brother's ex-girlfriend. Should I:

A) Not do anything
B) Get with prom date
C) Get with sabotager
D) Keep options open
E) Juggle both of them

A. I’m going to go with option (E) but only if you’ve got the chops and MacGyver-like resourcefulness it'll take to pull it off. High school is a bubble and everything always gets out so if you don't feel like having that headache then stick with (B) until prom is over. Your date will make your life hell if she finds out you f*cked her friend. And then you'll probably have to find a new date, which not only sucks but at this point table scraps are probably all that's left.

Q. I am a freshman in college and it’s rush week for frats. I have been to one for a couple weeks and they seem O.K. But I am also rushing with one of the better-known party frats. What advice would you give about a decision?

A. You have to go with your gut on this. Chose the fraternity that has similar interests as you and is full of guys that remind you of the friends you grew up with. Provided you liked your friends from home. Yeah, partying is a huge component to college but if the place with all the parties is brimming with douchebags then that’s something to consider. Do a few cool parties outweigh that fact that you're now hanging with people you hope die? I doubt it.

Now if both are even in terms of members and shit then of course go with the party house. With parties comes p*ssy and with p*ssy comes more p*ssy. Simple arithmetic.

Q. As a girl, I really like to smoke weed (it’s legal in Ann Arbor, where I go to school) but in my experience I’ve found that there are way more guy stoners than there are girls. Not to sound cocky but I'd say I’m a pretty decent looking girl and a lot of the time if I agree to smoke with guys they take that as an open invitation to try and do the gross. I need a guy's perspective here: am I asking for it just by agreeing to hang with them in the first place even if all I’m trying to do is get my blaze on?

A. You poor thing. Guys are trying to f*ck you at every turn, huh? Life must be tough. Someday, when you're in the workforce, holding a postion you probably don't deserve, you'll be thanking God that men have dicks and zero control over them.

Anytime you hang out with guys and you’re mildly attractive and the whole lot of them isn’t gay, someone is going to want to f*ck you. Add to that the fact that you're cool and the attraction factor increases tenfold. So if you don't desire this outcome find new friends to get high with or do it alone, like a real addict would.

O.K., I've got to cut this off here, but I'll try to get to more of the questions next week. If you've got one for me send it here and follow me on Twitter

P.S. Before I leave I want to address one last question that I received 10 different variations of this week but could not possibly bring myself to answer each individually. So here goes:

DON'T sleep with your best friend's ex-girlfriend unless you know for a fact he is completely fine with it. If you don't know, ask him. Take whatever answer that comes out of his mouth as truth. If he says one thing and means something else, that blood is on his hands, you're not a f*cking mind reader.

But also…

DON'T sleep with your best friend's current girlfriend even if you did date her before. She's not yours anymore and it's not suddenly O.K. to f*ck her because you've got an urge and she's a sl*t, unless, of course, your friend went behind your back and you weren't fine with it, in which case a vengeance f*ck is both warranted and encouraged. Two wrongs don't have to make a right, they just have to make things even.

TAGSDating advicelosing your virginityRelationships