What’s the True Definition of a MILF, Plus Other Things You Asked

by 5 years ago

So heres the situation. Youve just used your immense powers of seduction and successfully lured a consenting female back to your place. After some predictably amazing drunk sex you wake up at 3 am with the desperate need to empty the bladder you spent all night filling with alcohol. I have a bathroom attached to my room. My question for you is. Do you A. Pee straight into the middle of the toilet, with a heavy stream going this will be loud in a silent house and could quite potentially wake the lady asleep in your bed. B. Pee against the side of the bowl of your toilet. This method will be much more quite but you will undoubtedly get the wonderful sensation of piss spraying off the wall of the toilet and sprinkling your legs. Thanks for the insight in this crucial matter jcum

First of all, if I have to pee in the middle of the night after some anonymous sex, I’d prefer not to use YOUR bathroom. You seem like a good guy and all, but daddy don’t swing that way.

Secondly, I’d assume your bathroom has a door on it. Go ahead and shut that bad boy. You’d be shocked how a heavy slab of wood or metal tends to block out sound. YEAH, SCIENCE!

Enjoying a stream loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood is not a problem. That’s a gift, my friend. There is nothing like pretending your dick is a firehose and the toilet is a five-alarm fire. NOTHING LIKE IT.

I say go ahead and grip it and rip it right into the center of the bowl. Pretend you’re an archer in the Olympics or Bill Laimbeer shooting a three-pointer. No arc, some arc, a lot of arc? Doesn’t matter, Bro, because this is YOUR TIME.

There are two places there are no rules: Outback Steakhouse and your shitter.

Just be glad this isn’t the other way around. There is nothing more boner-killing than listening to a girl use the bathroom. That little trickle stays in your mind forever.

Alright dawg, me and my bros are having a dispute. Do 21 year old moms count as milfs? My friend recently hit one and is calling it a milf-in-the-bag (PS That'd be a fucking awesome product). Anyway I'm saying anything sub 30 only counts in the land of technicalities. She definitely deserves the “ilf” part of the term, but we need your help deciding what makes an “ilf” into a “milf”. Your move.

Technically, a 21-year-old counts. She IS a mom, after all. But that’s just a technicality. In spirit, of course, a true MILF needs to be old enough to have birthed a child your own age. Congratulations to your friend. Sounds like some good bonin'.

I have a bigger issue with the careless use of MILF in the adult film arena. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. If the good people at BEEG or TUBE8 want to call her a mom, let’s see some C-section scars. The proof is in the pudding — and the celluite. 

I don’t ask for much in my smut, but I do ask for honesty.

What do you think of GTA V?

Haven’t played it.

I'm sure everyone can relate to that zone you get into where everything you do is perfect. This is especially beneficial during a night out when every joke is landing and the bitches are flocking in droves. But what about the opposite? What about the times when something happens that is depressing or pisses you off and fucks up your mindset? Is it better to call off your plans for the night, knowing that it'll be an upward and ultimately unsuccessful evening, or is it better to go out anyways and see what happens?

This sounds like Overthinking 101. You don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched and you don’t start eating a shit sandwich before you’re forced to.

If you cancel your drinking plans because you’re angry or depressed, you’re completely missing the point. Why drink if you’re NOT angry or depressed. Alcohol, as a scholar once pointed out, is the cause of and solution to all life’s problems.

So much of having fun is a mindset. If you’re convinced the night is going to be shitty, well guess what? It’s going to be fucking miserable.

Sack up and drink. Stop reading into things like you’re Dawson Leery. That guy was a giant pussy. And look what happened to James Vander Beek’s career. Let that be a lesson to you. 

TAGSask a bro

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