The Best Quotes from Last Night’s ‘Jersey Shore’ Premiere

by 9 years ago

Here was the insta-reaction to last night's premiere episode of MTV's “Jersey Shore.” In the Brommunity, pillsbury bro boy wrote: “I turned on 'Jersey Shore' to have a good laugh. It started at 10. It's 10:03 and I already turned that shit off. I literally almost just killed myself.” Meanwhile, C.E.Bro emailed the BB crew at 11:34 p.m. and wrote “MTV show is best program I've ever seen.” We're sort of in between, though I think part of that is just that two hours of watching these guidos is about an hour too much. Anyway, we live-Twittered the whole thing last night, but we thought we'd round up a few of the highlights and best quotes of the night. Shout out to Jimmy Traina at Hot Clicks as well for providing a few of the details below. First of all, this show is not really a stand-alone show; it's actually “The Real World: Jersey Shore.” Eight strangers (one more than the usual, but still), picked to live in a house, to find out what happens when Guidos stop wearing bathing suits in the hot tub and start pumping their fists. The Real World: Jersey Shore.


Even though Ikea is just a few stops up the Turnpike, MTV eschewed the typical pop-color Swedish flatpack furniture for an Italian flag-painted garage, a Scarface poster, and a duck phone that quacks. Although no str*pper pole, as one of the Guidos pointed out in the first five minutes of the show. So now that we've set the scene, we'll move straight to the notables quotes. (Mr. T will be back with a full blow-by-blow recap later today.) Apologies for not getting everyone's names. Even after two hours, we're still learning.

Being a Guido means “family, friends, tanning, gel.”

“How do you go in a f*cking jacuzzi wearing a thong. At least wear a thong bikini. It's more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all.”

“I'm the Princess of Poughkeepsie” –Snookie (aka the next Tonya/Ruthie)

“My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juice head, guido. If I found that guy, I'd snatch him like that!” –Snookie

“I'm a bartender. I do great things.” –One of the Guidettes, we forget which one

“You have a pierced pen*s? I love it.” –Jwow (who's got the fakest tits on the show) to Pauly D

“Now that's how you get pink eye.” –This “Knocked Up” reference was kind of charming, and, yes, one of the Guidos really did get pink eye in his first week, presumably from sliding underneath a girl's legs while dancing. You know those particles.

“Don't like the spiked hair fool you. I'm not a b*tch.” –Pauly D

“I felt like eating ham and drinking water.” –very drunk Jwow

“It only takes 9 pounds of pressure to break a nose” –we forget now who actually threw the punch and got kicked out of the club, but this line is definitely the new

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”

“I will cut your hair while you're sleeping.” –Snookie in the coming attractions.