Beyonce Wants To Sell Your Girlfriend Vegan Meals And Now Your Diet And Life Are Fucked

by 4 years ago

Much like when our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ tells us to do something and we obey His will for the path toward righteousness requires our servitude in the name of God, women obsequiously respect the commands of their deity, Beyoncé.

White, black, young, old, they all take a knee in the Court of Knowles. When Beyoncé posts a new video, they watch. When she releases a new album, they listen. And when Queen Bey launches an all-vegan meal delivery service, they change their diets forever.

That’s right, Beyoncé is launching a vegan meal delivery service, a 22-meal plan designed to get your body Beyonced.

The 33-year-old has partnered with her personal trainer Marco Borges to create an on-demand service called 22 Days Nutrition.

All of the meals in the plan will be 100 per cent plant-based and delivered once a week, with all ingredients non-GMO, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free and organic.

The prices start as low as $9.24 per meal and you can choose to have one, two or three meals delivered per day.

Which is all good and well, except that your girlfriend is gonna try it. And apropos of neither the nutritional, physical, emotional, spiritual, ethereal or environmental benefits, she will tell you she loves it. Because Bey loves it, and how could she not love it if Bey loves it? Bey loves it!

Look what she fucking said, knowing that if she says “Jump,” the axis of the Earth will slightly shift when all the women of the world come down at the same time.

 “If I can do it, anyone can.”

So yes, your girlfriend is going to try it. Then, slowly but surely, she’ll start critiquing your diet. First she’ll ask you to eat a little more vegetables. Then less meat. Then more legumes, ever the fuck those are.

Pretty soon, you’ll be on the Beyoncé diet, paying nine bucks a meal for shit your rabbit wouldn’t even eat. Look at some of this wack food.

Vanilla chia pudding … hemp hummus … a tortilla

This last one’s a whole fucking meal.

Small baked sweet potato with a tablespoon of melted coconut oil, half a cup of organic black beans, and steamed greens

That is Beyonce’s dinner. Pretty soon that’s gonna be your dinner. Imagine that fucking life.

Dump her now. It’ll be easier.