BroBible Asks: Is Shoenice For Real?

by 6 years ago

Today, BroBible's editors gather together to discuss a man who allegedly drank an entire bottle of Jagermeister in 30 seconds, who pounded a bottle of Frank's Redhot Xtra Hot Sauce in 10 seconds, and who even chugged a bottle of Elmer's glue. That man is known as Shoenice.

We need to answer several burning questions today. Is Shoenice full of sh*t, and is he faking these videos? Or is he not faking it, and how the hell does he do what he does? And what's his life-span at now anyway?

J Camm, you've been Shoenice's biggest defender. What are your thoughts?

J.Camm: Can Shoenice possibly be faking all these drinking stunts? Without question that's highly plausable. But why would a man that eats cardboard boxes, pinecones, tampons, and scented candles—SCENTED F*CKING CANDLES!—fake drinking a bit of liquor? Clearly he's got the chops to swallow vile sh*t (at top speeds, no less) so of course I believe he can drink a bottle of booze in under a minute.

Especially since he can always puke it out after the camera is off.

Reggie Noble: Those of us that doubt the voracity of Shoenice's exploits fall into two camps. The first think he's a total fraud, a charlatan who preys upon people's basic desires to see a human cheat death. The second faction, to which I belong, sees him as a cleverly crafted character that blends both real feats of gestation and allusions. He, of course, is bound by the Magician's Alliance to never reveal how he completes his feats.

Some of the stunts are real. Of that I'm sure. In fact, it'd be difficult to feign many of the food-based ones. But his drinking exploits are a different manner. We are not privy to looking inside the bottles and seeing just what's inside.

Think about it, if you could sustain this viral popularity without risking death, wouldn't you? People are miserable. But they're also smart. Why buy the cow when you can get the fake milk for free?

Another thing I find problematic is the frequency of his stunts. Common sense would dictate that his system would have to purge itself of the offending items and leave residual effects. Either he's the Cal Ripken Jr. of ingesting poison or he's mailing some of them in.

JC: Be that as it may, Regg, I'd still pay good money (we're talking $12 to $14) to see one of his post-stunt sh*ts. Imagine the movement he had after he ate a stick of Old Spice. That stuff sets my armpits ablaze. I can't fathom what it would do to my sh*t box.

Brandon Wenerd: Two months ago, I was an acolyte of Shoenice's vaudeville. Like believing in a tooth fairy, he was a lot more convincing while guzzling down beers. It didn't seem that suspect of an accomplishment, even at a rate of three in 30 seconds. But as Reggie noted, his frequency has become extremely suspect and reeks of YouTube fame whoredom. It's one thing to put our videos of eating weird sh*t like toilet paper and birthday candles every day. But in the past two weeks he's downed Jager, Bacardi 151, Sambuca, a 40 Oz of Malt Liquor (no big deal, I suppose), Jack Daniels, and now Devil Springs 160 Proof Vodka. That ambitious YouTube uploading schedule basically leaves next to no time for a recovery before moving on to the next one, let alone having the time of day to eat and film whatever his neighbor put in the trash.

The video that ultimately shook my faith in Shoenice was one we never posted. He gulped a bottle of Formula 409 in 19 effortless seconds.

Even if your liver is made of granite, no human should be able to throw down a bottle of poison like that, then come back a few days later to chug booze by the bottle for YouTube's giggles. No one. The magic of Shoenice's YouTube illusions were ruined forever for me when he gulped something that toxic in a non-translucent bottle. Anyone can put something in a bottle labeled “X” and drink it. If you can't use all five senses to gauge what the hell is really is, how can we believe the label?

And any idiot who votes for him on King of the Web is an idiot who likes spam in their Facebook newsfeed. Don't be that guy.

Robb Stark: He's a product of time travel and/or an alien. He's from a time where some pill has been invented where anything is digestible, and his sole mission for traveling back in time was for people to debate whether or not his sh*t is real. The only reason why we haven't all realized he's from the future is because he does a remarkably good job looking like Mike O'Malley, whose clearly from the 90's.

Look closely though, his eyes are a dead giveaway. No man's eyes are that blue.

AM: I'm going to butt in here. Sorry, Robb, I don't think he's a time traveler or alien, but I do think he's actually doing everything he says he's doing on camera.

My reasoning: He doesn't strike me as the brightest guy. I think it's the voice. It's abnormally slow, and he has a way of saying “Shoenice!” before he starts a challenge that makes me think he's just trying to remember what his name is. Guys like this compensate for a lack of book learnin' by being incredibly good at other things, and Shoenice happens to be great at eating cardboard.

How long do we think he's got until some sort of choking incident/the cirrhosis of the liver starts to kick in?

RN: Whether Shoenice is real or not is open to debate. What is not in question is the fact that he's the walking embodiment of an insurance company's worst nightmare. At best, his pre-existing condition is stupidity. I'd like a look at his health records. They'd both shed some light on the legitimacy of his schtick and be g*ddamn good reading. If he's putting this kind of stuff in his mouth, what's going in the other orifices?

BW: Since rapid consumption via the mouth is Shoenice's thing, I'm not really sure it's a matter of “what's going in the other orifices?” than what's coming out of them… Medically speaking, of course.

JC: I'd like to know what he eats when the camera isn't rolling. I wouldn't be surprised if its ears of corn.

AM: Another Shoenice mystery for a man who is, truly, a walking enigma.

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