Bro’s Cringe-Worthy Story About Time He Tried To Watch Porn With His Girlfriend Will Make You Glad You’re Single
Protip: if your girlfriend brings up the topic of watching porn with you, she’s probably looking to get frisky and just wants a new way to go about getting into your pants.
Pro-protip: if you put on some porn and just sit there, staring at it in silence while panic-sweating profusely your girlfriend will probably get uncomfortable and leave.
Pro-pro-protip: don’t do what Redditor thrwaway2215 did if you want your girlfriend to try watching porn with you more than once.
I’m 28 years old and have a girlfriend. We have been together for about three years now and things are (were?) going okay. We aren’t officially living together, but most of the nights she sleeps over at my place. So after we had dinner I was watching some Seinfeld on my laptop sitting on the couch when she drops herself besides me. She tells me she is bored and that she wants to do something. Okay then, I ask her what she was thinking about doing then, not really paying attention since it was the answering machine episode and George’s song was coming up. She says “Oh I dunno haha, we could watch porn together, that would be fun right?”. So now she got my attention and I could tell this wasn’t something she just came up with on the spot organically, she sounded excited and I could tell the whole “I’m bored” thing was just a playful act to do some bf/gf stuff. “Well, okay why not”, I tell her. Alright then!, she is all energetic and she jumps beside me on the couch in a playful manner smiling and all jumpy, cuddling besides me.
I don’t actually think she normally watches porn herself. Obviously the reason she wanted to watch porn with me in the first place was the same reason you watch a bad horror movie together, to laugh and make comments on everything that’s happening, you know, you watch it in a ironic way I guess. Watching some cheesy porn scene and making comments on how absurd the premise is, some funny zingers about the setting and maybe sexy talk, you know, good stuff. I should have put on a lengthy cheesy porn flick or something. This is very obvious to me right now, typing this; Two hours ago, this was NOT that obvious. This is where the fuckup starts. I have never. cringed this hard while typing something.
So here I am, laptop on my lap and my girlfriend next to me on the couch, looking at the screen. I pause the seinfeld episode and open a new tab in the browser. “Sooo, what do you want to watch”, I asked her. “Well I don’t know haha, you are the expert here right?”. “just do what you normally do haha”. What the fuck woman. Obviously there is no way she is going to be invited to witness the dark ritual that is my pornwatching. Oh sure, let’s first watch some hardcore porn GIFS on an obscure subreddit whose url I know by heart to then proceed to xvideos to watch a video of a dominatrix cum in the mouth of a woman. Good idea, Fun times /s.
So now, I start to panic a little bit. “Okay then. Let’s see here..” I am not going to screw this up. I slowly type xhamster.com in the urlbar, because, in that moment for some reason I was certain that xhamster was the most normal porn website I could choose. What the fuck brain. I press enter and the website is coming up. I can notice she looks closer at the screen, like she misread the name of the site the first time. So the website is loaded and we are looking at the homepage. We were going to watch something extremely vanilla or I would die trying.
My mind is going bezerk: Okay, no lesbian stuff obviously. No anal/DP, I don’t want her to think I would like to try that with her. No threesome porn. No facial stuff, she might think I’m a perv. No mentions of milfs/teens/girls/specific race of course..
I am staring at this homepage without scrolling and I can feel that she is kinda weirded out. I just can’t decide what video to click on. I decide to use the search function. I type the most normal phrase I could think of: “Big tit has sex with man” What in the flying fuck brain!? “Big tit has sex with man”. I can hear her reading it. Holy shit this is bad. For some stupid reason I didn’t feel that I could just tell her it was a mistake or make a joke out of it. No fun comments. Just me, looking at the screen silently and dead serious waiting for the page to load completely, focused to make sure that I don’t click on something weird. So I click on a video in the list that had what I thought was a pretty normal thumbnail. It turned out to be some shaky homemade amateur videotape of a married couple having sex in what I guess was their trailerhome. I was staring at the screen with a complete pokerface, with my two hands on the keyboard. I could feel her judging me. The atmosphere was really weird. What could I say? Should I turn the video off? What was she thinking? Why wasn’t she saying anything? The video finally ends and I ask her if she wants to watch in bed. wtfbrain. She says, “well I think I’m gonna head home actually”.
She left. Now I’m here in bed all alone typing this story…I really fucked up here, I really wen’t full retard.