When it comes to cheating on your girlfriend there are so many different views, some dudes think it’s no big deal, some dudes think it doesn’t count if it’s in a different area code and some dudes swear it’s the worst thing any guy can do. For some reason the dudes that think it’s a crime punishable by death are the same guys that cheat the more than Tiger woods in the playboy mansion. No matter what your stance is if you’re going to cheat then goddammit you better do it right so let go over the “Unwritten Rules for Cheating on your girl.”
Rule 1: NO LOCAL CHICKS
If you’re going to have some side action then treat it like you’re a Marine, all the missions should be on foreign soil. You never EVER take on a side mission anywhere NEAR headquarters. To many great men have banged the maid and lost it all ..Sorry Arnold. When it’s time to pick a side chick NO DISTANCE is too great 30 miles, 50 miles shit if you could find chicks living on the moon that would be great. You don’t want to be in the mall with your main girl and then like a glitter covered grim reaper here comes that stripper you banged that works at the club 4 miles away from where you live. When looking for a side chick you should in the mind set of the great trail blazers of the past, Lewis and Clark, Hernan Cortez, Captain James T. Kirk you want uncharted lands. I can guarantee when Christopher Columbus landed the first thing he claimed in the name of Spain wasn’t America …it was a piece of foreign ass.
Rule 2: NO REAL DATES
Stay focused, you don’t want another girlfriend you want KICK ASS SEX. The moment you start buying birthday gifts and going out dancing the next thing you know you got two girlfriends and that’s basically what the waiting room for Hell looks like. Remember, when it comes to being with your side chick you should treat it like a bank robbery you want to get in and out as fast as possible and leave no evidence. Sleeping over is a NO NO, cuddling is a NO NO; remember you already have a girlfriend and she will give you PLENTY of that bullshit. You’re here at this random chicks house so you can jump off the top rope like Macho Man Randy Savage, hit her with the flying elbow and pin that ass for the 1,2,3.
Rule 3: DON’T CHEAT WITH UGLY CHICKS
Remember you could get caught and you want to make sure if you do lose your main girl at least you can upgrade to the big titty stripper you have been hanging with. I often feel bad when I see some dude losing his girl that was a solid 10 for the 4 he cheated with. Losing your hot girlfriend because you got caught with some Walmart cashier is like selling your corvette to buy a laminated bus pass. Remember the ugly chick COULD find you in public and no guy wants to be in the mall and hear “BABY” yelled from across the food court only to turn around and there she is Marmaduke running full speed hurdling tables like an Olympic athlete, her knuckles dragging on the ground as she drops her sack of 50 sliders from white castle just to throw those thigh like arms around you. Now not only are you upset she found you but Mall security threatens to call the police unless you can produce a license for having a wild animal.
Rule 4: MAKE SURE SHE IS A FREAK IN THE SHEETS
What’s the point in cheating just to have the same old face to face boring sex your girl gives you. Sex with your girl sucks and you know it, every valentine’s day your girl buys lingerie and thinks that’s a gift …I’m sorry but if simply rewrapping the same old ass I get every day makes it a gift then on Christmas I’m going to take back the bracelet I gave you wrap it again and yell surprise Christmas morning. That’s right Fellas lay out every freaky, dirty, insane awesome thing you have ever wanted to do and if your side chick doesn’t want to do it DROP HER. I don’t care what your into she should do it THAT’S THE POINT OF GETTING WITH HER. I don’t care if you want to stand over her butt naked and deliver the speech from training day, if that’s what you like then jump and yell “You think you can do this to me IM THE POLICE YOU MUTHAFUCKAS WILL BE PLAYING BASKETBALL IN PELICAN BAY …SHOE PROGRAM” The side chick should ALWAYS BE A TOTAL sex maniac and willing to do it all. I once knew a girl that wanted to dress up in full football pads and be naked from the waist down and actually tackle me before sex. Do you think I did it?? Well let’s just say her ringtone was the Fox Sports football theme.
Rule 5: Never give her your real phone number
Get a goddamn prepaid cell phone from the drugstore and you keep that thing hidden like the Taliban hid hostages. Guys always make the mistake of keeping text messages and when their girl goes through their phone AND SHE MOST CERTAINLY WILL they get caught and it’s a massacre. Once every call is made every text is sent ERASE them. You need to treat every picture and text and voicemail like its evidence and imagine your main girl is a CSI detective. Don’t take pictures with your side chick I can guarantee you just became her new Facebook profile pic. When it comes to pictures you should be like bigfoot, every shot should be out of focus, blurry and from far away with no way to positively identify you. When it comes to side chicks they should have a better chance of getting a selfie with Jesus and Santa Clause high fiving than they do of getting a picture with you.
Rule 6: Don’t tell ANYBODY
Don’t tell anybody not your brother, cousin, Dad, classmates, Co-workers, priest, Jesus, bums, hobos, your imaginary friend NOT ANYBODY because guess what THEY WILL TELL AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON. You have to resist that school girl urge to giggle and tell someone about your conquest but remember it’s going to work against you. When some dumb ass guy tells his girlfriend who will then undoubtedly tell YOUR GIRL you will see why you NEVER tell anyone!
Treat these rules as law gentlemen and your rewards shall be plentiful. Happy Hunting fellas and may the force be with you.
[Image via ShutterStock]