Remember To Check Your Bluetooth So You’re Not This Guy Who Blasted Porn Over His Home Speakers At Christmas Dinner

by 3 years ago


The only thing worse than hearing about politics and religion at a Christmas dinner is hearing the sounds of a woman getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. Actually, I lied. Hearing the sounds of your entire family being murdered would probably suck too. Having your foot chopped off would also be awful, and so would losing all of your life savings in the stock market.

Come to think of it, there’s lots of worse things that you could hear at Christmas dinner. But regardless, Reddit user stormtrooperulloa had the “joy” of accidentally blasting porn over a pair of bluetooth speakers while his entire family was over. This is one Christmas dinner that this dude and his small nieces and nephews will never forget.

I’ll make this short and to the point:
-Wife gave me a gaming chair with speakers on the headrest and bluetooth capabilities
-I invited family over to finish christmas leftovers
-Was showing off my new gaming chair by playing music off my phone
-Day goes by
-Some last minute christmas gifts are exchanged
-I put on a family friendly movie for the kids and parents to watch and tell my wife I’m gonna take a quick shower
-My natural urges take over and I decide to “relieve some stress” so I throw on one of my favorite compilation videos (to make it quick). I had the water running and I couldn’t hear the porn, I figured it was shitty sound quality of the video so I turned it up to full volume… Nothing. So whatever I release the dragon and continue my shower and decide to put some tunes on (just found this awesome band called “Rings of Saturn”). Now I know something is wrong because the music is fairly loud… That’s when it hit me like a runaway train… I’M STILL CONNECTED TO THE CHAIR!!! I went to the settings, please have bluetooth off, ON!!! AND C-O-N-N-E-C-T-E-D!!!
-I begged for the sweet release of death to take me… oh but he never answered… I felt heavy pressure on my chest and stayed in the shower for much longer than I needed to… Eventually I said “Fuck it” just go out as if nothing happened “they don’t know that you know that they just heard you’re spanking the monkey” and that’s exactly what I did…

And that kids, is why we teach you that masturbating kills kittens; to save you from moments like this. You’re welcome.

[H/T Reddit, header image via Shutterstock]


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