Chill Chick Gets Arrested For Giving Her Cheating Boyfriend’s Dick Third-Degree Burns With A Hair Straightener :)
***Beware, bros. This story may make your penises shrink into your stomachs as a defense mechanism.***
For those of you stupid enough to keep reading, a 22-year-old South Australian woman received a 9-month suspended jail sentence after pleading guilty to recklessly causing serious harm after burning her boyfriend’s dick with a hair straightener.
According to the Daily Mail, Bronwyn Joy Parker had a history of being a jealous girlfriend. So jealous, in fact, that she made her boyfriend promise to the above scenario if he ever cheated on her.
Welp, he did. With his ex. And it resulted in third-degree burns on his meat popsicle that doctors say may take years to heal completely. (Straighteners can heat up to around 450 degrees Fahrenheit.)
During the sentencing District Court Judge Paul Muscat was flabbergasted with the details, as was I. Judge Muscat delivered the harrowing diagnosis to the court room:
“In short, his penis will be scarred for life and he will suffer from a number of issues, including the proper function of his penis, not to mention the cosmetic and psychological problems associated with the scarring to such a sensitive site.”
After the incident took place, Ms. Parker was interviewed by police and showed an utter lack of understanding of the monstrosity of her actions.
“To start off with, it looked brown around the outside and it didn’t look too bad, it just looked as if you had cooked a piece of meat.”
A cooked piece of meat was probably the worst, most incriminating desciption you could possibly give. You demonic barbarian.
The victim, who remained unnamed for obvious reasons (because he’s a little bitch), described his sizzling schlong to authorities as having “blisters and discoloration” and reported that he was embarrassed to immediately contact authorities.
Bros, have you ever accidentally touched one of those hair straighteners when they’re at peak heat? They’re fucking hotter than the seventh circle of Hell. Chances that dude regains feeling in his shaft: -6%.
[h/t Daily Mail]