Making a sex tape seems like it would be easy. Just turn on the camera (or, more likely, your phone since we aren’t living in the dark ages anymore), get your mounting face ready and lights, camera… action!
But sadly, as any amateur filmmaker will tell you, that shit is harder than it looks. Sure, you don’t have to deal with the actors union or provide catering in between takes (although that would be the polite thing to do) but chances are your finished product is going to wind up being incredibly embarrassing. Mostly because it’s a tape of your naked ass and balls slapping around.
But still, since we know you are bros of quality, and believe in doing everything the right way, we thought we’d help you out with this handy list of dos and don’ts for making a sex tape. You don’t have to show us the finished product either. We, uh, we trust it went well.
DO… Get the Right Angle
Look, this is maybe the most important technical detail. If you’re going to make a sex tape, make sure it’s something you’d actually be into watching later with your significant other. Neither one of you is going to be turned on by the sight of your hairy ass and your wrinkly old balls thrusting away from behind. These things are tough to get right, especially because no one wants to have to play film director in the midst of busting a nut, but just do the best you can and remember, practice makes perfect.
DON’T… Hide the Camera
Don’t be this dude, okay? This shit’s just creepy, and since we don’t live in sitcom world where everyone is inexplicably cool with the one over-sexed bro who is also a borderline sex criminal, chances are that this will just lead to a massive loss of trust. At best. You’re better than this.
DO… Get the Lighting Right
The last thing you want is to go back and watch the tape and not be able to figure out what the hell is going on because the lighting was garbage. Combine that with your phone or whatever bouncing around to the beat as it were, and it’ll end up looking more like an amateur snuff film rather than a sex tape. It won’t be a turn on if you cue up the footage later and end up wondering if you accidentally got ahold of video of someone choking out a hobo instead.
All that said, it’s important to keep it casual. A sex tape should be as spontaneous as you can make it. Otherwise, that shit gets creepy fast. What you really, really don’t want is to make your girlfriend feel like she’s starring in a porno. Yes, she technically is, but there is a big difference between an intimate tape meant for only the two of you and, well, a porno, you know? Don’t make her feel like you’re trying to make film history, otherwise she’ll wonder – probably correctly – just who you’re planning to let see it. Besides, there’s nothing sexy about sweating it out under stage lights while a tripod sits there like a Dalek, snapping away in horny judgment.
DO… Make Sure You Look Good
If you’re going to make a sex tape, you have to actually be attractive. I’m sorry, those are the rules handed down by the Great Sex Tape Tribunal of ’02. You might say, “c’mon, it’s not like anyone else will see it,” and while that may be admirably true (don’t fool yourself, though), don’t underestimate how big a blow it will be to your own ego if you go back and watch only to find some ogre mounting your girl like a beast… and then realize with horror that the ogre is you. That will turn you into a neurotic mess and “neurotic mess” usually isn’t high on the list of turn-ons for most women.
DON’T… Try to Make-Over Your Partner
This is just a dick move, bro. Yes, being attractive is important to the whole sex tape process, as detailed above, but that doesn’t give you license to tell your partner that she (or he, let’s not be exclusionary here) needs to tighten their game up. This will just make you look like a massive a-hole, ruin their confidence, damage your relationship, and make it abundantly clear to anyone that finds out about it that you don’t deserve a sex tape, bro.
DO… Bring Your ‘A’ Game
No one wants to make a mediocre sex tape. You really don’t want your partner to watch it later and relive the time you couldn’t get her off. That’s straight up poison, right there. That will just stick in her mind, and pretty soon you’ll just be that dude who couldn’t get the job done. And that’ll be a wrap.
DON’T… Get Overexcited
I know, it’s something different and that means that it’s going to be a turn on, but don’t get too turned up or else it’s going to be an early show, you know? Having a sex tape that lasts one minute and 26 seconds isn’t a good look for anyone, and even if you go back and finish the job later, that’s not going to help when you hit that play button. Besides, forget your girl being ashamed of you, you’ve brought your phone into this now. You don’t want Siri thinking you’re a two-pump chump, do you? She talks to everyone.
DO… Lock That Shit Up
Whatever you do, don’t let that footage get out there. As we’ve all seen recently, sex tapes are a more dangerous game than ever. That’s because you can’t just make a physical tape anymore and lock it in your safe with valuables like your kid’s baby shoes and that towel Derek Jeter wiped his balls with at the gym that one time. No, all it takes is one enterprising hacker, and pretty soon you’re cursing the cloud. It’s the Wild West out there right now when it comes to this kind of thing, and even if you do think you’ve been secure, just know that if someone really, really wants that footage, they can get it without even having to set foot in your house.
DON’T… Make One
Look, I know you’ll probably do it anyway, but there is just too much that can go wrong. There’s so much pressure that chances are you’ll just end up filming yourself yelling at your dong because he can’t answer the bell. And let’s face it, this shit is getting stolen. Or you’ll slip up and leave your phone lying around for someone to look at. Or she’ll use it against you later in terrible ways you and I could never even imagine. Or… you get the point. But you’re still going to do it anyway, aren’t you? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
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