The Top Ten Problems With Dating An Ugly Chick
We all have flaws, but in the case of an ugly chick her main down side is that all of her flaws landed smack-dab on her face. We all know the pain of dragging “that” girl around. You know, the one with a face like Danny Glover, a body like King Kong Bundy and teeth like Michael Strahan. Guys will always say they don’t date ugly girls, but the truth is ugly chicks are like jail cells…every man has spent at least one night inside one. We just don’t talk about it. These problems are real and there are a lot of them, so let’s get into it.
1. Exactly How Ugly Is Your Girl?
Sometimes we don’t actually realize where our girls fall on the “blasted-in-the-face” scale. If you answer yes to most of these, then you, sir, are dating a true beast.
- Have you ever taken her to a professional dog show, and even though she was sitting in the stands with you she somehow won “Best in Show”?
- If you pressed her face into raw dough, would you have the perfect mold to make gorilla biscuits?
- Have you ever gone to the park with her and gotten a ticket because she wasn’t on a leash?
- Does she frequently get into scuffles with the local animal control?
- If she gets sick, do you take her to a doctor or a veterinarian?
2. She Will Always Somehow Find You In A Crowded, Well-Lit Public Place.
Like a hunting dog finding a dead duck in dark swampy waters, she has the tracking skills to find you anywhere and everywhere. The worst thing that can happen to a guy is being in the mall when, suddenly, you hear from across the food court a loud and deep bark. You’re now frozen in place, as that girl who could be easily mistaken for the missing link comes flying towards you and begins hurdling over chairs and tables like Magilla Gorilla during the summer Olympic tryouts.
3. When The Two Of You Go Out, She Is Always A Head-Turner.
No matter where you go, is your girlfriend constantly stopped and mistaken for any of the following celebrities?
- Gary Busey
- Sloth from The Goonies
- Warren Sapp
- A Somali Pirate
- Ndamukong Suh
- Abraham Lincoln
- A Klingon Starship Captain
4. Sometimes She’ll Wanna Have Sex With The Lights On.
Having sex with an ugly chick while the lights are on is like forcing your boner to compete on an episode of Fear Factor, complete with obstacles that automatically make your dick flaccid. For example:
- Her mustache and chin hairs tickle when she blows you.
- Her extra pounds she’s crushing you with can make the room feel hotter than Hell in July.
- The noises she makes during sex are not sounds women should make…they’re more like a train whistle or a tug boat’s fog horn.
- Because you left the window open during sex, the neighbors have called the cops on you 4 times for attempted bestiality.
5. Her Idea Of Dirty Sex Talk Is Very Different.
“Fuck me,” “take it” and “spank me”…these are awesome things to hear during sex. The problem is your ugly girl says things that are a little different. Some of her favorites include:
- Hmmm, yea, Super Size that shit!
- Give me extra cheese on it.
- Do you smell cake?
- Seriously, do you smell cake?
- I think that’s cake?
6. Body Lotion And Perfume Choices Will Be Unusual.
While most girls will pick lotions and perfumes that have the scent of flowers, fruit, or candy, a more facially challenged girl will pick powerful aromas that are more familiar to her. For example:
- Shotgun shells
- Birthday cake
- A. 1. sauce
- Rawhide bones
- The woods
7. She Will Want You To Come To Any Event She’s Part Of.
With an ugly girl, don’t be surprised when she informs you she is taking part in any of the following:
- Strongman competition
- Defending her title as “King of the Ring” in the local underground dog fighting circuit (she’s killed 4 dogs in the ring this month alone)
- Picking heavy stuff up and then putting it back down
- Working closely with Caesar to ensure the Apes dominate the world
8. She’s Loyal…Too Loyal.
You gotta keep in mind that the Moon has seen more male landings than her vagina. Loyalty runs deep in an ugly girl’s blood, partially because of her family’s long standing history as police dogs. None of the following statements will shake her loyalty for even a millisecond:
- I’m sorry baby, I’m dying.
- I am going to the Moon and it’s a one way ticket.
- I have decided to take up crime fighting, so my nights will no longer be free.
- I’m going blind and deaf at the same time.
- I’m the devil sent here to collect souls.
9. She’s Going To Want To Meet Your Friends.
Like most guys, your friends are immature wild animals, and there is nothing better than finding out one of your buddies is dating a beast. Bros will come up with all kinds of ways to piss you off. Expect your friends to do any of the following things:
- Randomly blowing dog whistles to see if she can hear them (she can).
- Taking her to the zoo and then yelling “OH SHIT! IT GOT LOOSE!”
- Repeatedly asking you, “Dude, did you steal her Jack Link’s Beef Jerky? Is that why Sasquatch is following you?”
- Asking her “Why did you keep blowing down those pig’s houses?”
10. It’s Really Hard To Go Back To Dating A Pretty Girl When You Just Got Done Dating An Ugly One.
Pretty Girls have a lot of guys trying to do them favors in hopes of getting a piece of ass, which means it’s rare to find one that’s actually learned how to do a lot of things. In other words, they’re usually pretty needy and have a very limited set of skills. Ugly girls, on the other hand, have to learn to do things for themselves just like all the other bears in the park. The following are awesome things your ugly girl could do that your pretty girl can’t:
- Change a tire while the car is still moving.
- Fight off attackers.
- Catch salmon swimming upstream.
- Frighten off stray dogs.
- Protect your house while you’re gone (just remember to always put water in her dish and never leave her in a hot car with the windows up).
There you have it my Bros. Now go out there and catch yourself a certified train wreck.