Is Vince on a One-Way Trip to Rehab? Plus, Sasha Grey, Mike Tyson, Jessica Simpson, and Sloan Tries
The Full Recap
The show opens at a crowded club with Vince chatting up adult entertainment star Sasha Grey, who, as we all realized in Waffles McButters' recent interview with her, is one smart cookie. The rest of the crew (Scotty now included), sits at a nearby table wondering if Vince knows that he's talking with, in Scotty's words, “The anal specialist… God, I bet her ass sings opera.” This sparks a “have-you-ever-done-anal?” conversation among the four, which reveals that Scotty and especially Drama are pros — “Are you kidding? Vagina's my third favorite hole, Bro,” says Drama — but Turtle and E are “ass virgins.” The guys tell E he needs to try it before he gets married, or he'll always wonder. More on the anal discussion later.
Sasha and Vince come over, and Vince clearly knows her work. “She's gonna give me lessons in her craft,” he says as they quickly leave, beginning what we hope will be a relationship that lasts longer than just a three-story arc. Sasha, true to form, is smart, sexy, can take tequila shots with the best of them, and makes one mean pancake, as we learn the next morning. (By the way, can you even create four-leaf-clover and dick-and-balls pancakes without a template or mold or something?) What we've yet to see is Sasha get nekked. Not that we've all never seen her nekked many, many times, but c'mon, if she's really “just a cool chick who likes art and sex,” we better start seeing more sex than pancake art.
Sasha, Vince, and Turtle accompany their pancakes with some shots of Avion tequila, which Turtle is trying to get Vince to become the face of. A few hours later, Sasha and Vince drive over to meet with Randall Wallace and Stan Lee about the “Airwalker” script. They're all over each other and still a little tipsy, and although it's fun to watch Lee try to place where he's seen Sasha before, Wallace isn't so happy with his prospective star's behavior. When E confronts him later about this, Vince explains that he took a Vicodin when he woke up that morning, and that the mixture with the tequila probably wasn't a good thing. It seems that Vince is still in pain from the car accident and so is still popping the pills.
As soon as I heard the word “Vicodin,” I immediately thought “rehab.” Think about it: This season, Vince has gotten in a car accident. He has shaved his head, Britney Spears-style. He made weird comments about his own movie in a press interview. He started doing reckless (by Hollywood insurance standards), thrill-seeking things like jumping out of an airplane. He showed up outside of a strip club in the middle of broad daylight. He flew to Vegas for all-night gambling and boozing. He banged a adult entertainment star. He got hooked on pain killers. And he started drinking tequila shots with his morning pancakes. If that's not the recipe for a movie star trip to rehab, I don't know what is. And that video tape that I kept thinking would be a sex tape airing on repeat all over TMZ may be coming in next week's episode, although with more tequila and Vicodin, and perhaps less sex. Lindsay Lohan left jail today and immediately went to rehab. Will Vince join her?
Meanwhile, Ari is still worked up by Lizzie Grant, which manifests itself in some angry sex with Mrs. Ari, who stops things midstream to ask why he's trying to put her through the headboard. When Lizzie's name enters the bedroom, Ari is left with some serious blue balls, but not before trying to justify things: “That's what marriage is for, so you can bang out your anger.” At the office, Ari learns that Lizzie is going after three top clients, all of whom have been neglected by the world's biggest super agent over the past year: Mike Tyson, Jessica Simpson, and Aaron Sorkin. It's time for Ari to do a full-court press to keep them at his agency; as he tells Jake, “You're about to witness what made me who I am today.”
His courting of Tyson, Simpson, and Sorkin is pure brilliance. Tyson's meeting in Ari's office deserves as much praise as his “Hangover” cameo. “What I need really is a steady, respectable job. Something 9 to 5. I need more structure in my life,” Iron Mike says. He wants to do a scripted TV show. Ari suggests an L.L. Cool J-type “CSI” character, but Tyson says, “No, I want to do like the black 'Brady Bunch.' I'm trying to rehab my image. I want to dispense some worldly wisdom that I've picked up on my journey in life.”
Ari responds: “And then if Bobby doesn't listen to you, you bite his ear off.” Tyson delivers a fantastic utterly disappointed look (more on this later). “It was a joke,” Ari says. “But it wasn't funny, Ari,” Tyson responds. Ari promises that he'll work on it and also make sure he's locked down for “Hangover 2”: “Hey, Todd Phillips knows not to f*ck me out of that sequel. I need more money and I need more talking time.” Then Jessica Simpson calls, to which Tyson says: “Ooh, she'd be a hot Carol Brady. Show me you're working for me. Show me.”
Things don't go so well with Jessica (she says she's going with Lizzie), so Ari and Lloyd head over to her mansion to make amends and bring her a dog (Jessica's was killed by coyotes or something last year). We've got to say that Jessica looked fantastic in the episode. Maybe not Daisy Duke or GQ cover girl in red-white-and-blue bikini fantastic, but hot nonetheless. Ari's pooch ploy doesn't work because Lloyd brings the wrong kind of dog, according to Jessica: “Daisy was a maltepoo; that's just a poo, a**hole.”
Later in the episode, Ari meets with Sorkin back in his office, and the “Social Network” and “West Wing” scribe wants to know when his agent Andrew is coming back. “He's a coke-fiend sex accident who wrote checks out of this company's account to buy hookers, so no, he will never work here again,” Ari says. When Sorkin says that he wants to go with Lizzie because, “If I'm going to have an agent, why can't I have one that's attractive and bright and attractive?” Ari's rejoinder is that Lizzie is the real reason Andrew became such a f*ck up: “It wasn't the drugs. It was her evil p*ssy that lured him in.” Sorkin doesn't buy it: “You're still a douche, and I don't need your help getting work or laid.” Jake announces that Jessica Simpson is about to walk in. Ari: “You know what John Mayer said about her?” Sorkin: “No, I don't, and you're an animal.” Ari: “Sexual napalm. You love the smell of Napalm in the morning. Smells like victory.” Of course, when Simpson meets Sorkin, they hit it off. Ari tells him he should write her a serious script, “like Mariah in 'Precious' “ and the two go off to lunch, committing to stay with Ari… for now. (And yes, Jessica takes Lloyd's dog.)
During another mid-sex romp with Mrs. Ari — whose body, and especially ass, looked unbelievable — Ari gets a phone call from rival Amanda Daniels, who reveals that Lizzie had been keeping a journal for six months, which means that she's either going to sue him or write a tell-all book. Ari, needless-to-say, is left with blue balls once again.
Drama is still waiting to hear from Stamos on the pilot script, but Bob Saget gets his hands on it and claims he wants to do with it his best friend (they've been trying to do something together again since “Full House” ended, apparently). This drives Drama over the edge. “It's not called show friends, it's called show business,” Drama says. “I'll kill Bob Saget. No, I'm serious, I will actually kill him.”
He shows up at Saget's house with a baseball bat. But Saget explains that the writer sent him the script six months ago, which means it wasn't written for Drama. The blonde girl standing next to him on his balcony says, “I'll give you a blow job it it will make you feel better.” Drama spares Saget's Mercedes, and heads off to CBS, where he learns that his dreams of his own pilot are definitely dead. Drama has never looked more dejected than he does now. He looks like he wants to completely give up on Hollywood, move back to Queens, and run his bar. Will a TV show for Drama ever happen?
And then there's E, who's dumb enough to not clear his browser history on his computer. Sloan discovers his search for an*l sex, which yields a hilarious phone call between the two, as Bob Saget waits impatiently in the office. (Sloan asks at one point, “Oh my god, am I on speaker?”) She reminds him that, “E, we've tried it once. You couldn't look at me. You just kept patting me on the head, saying you were sorry,” which just about says it all about E. He tells her that they'll talk about it later; she says, “Yeah, I might be hiding from you tonight.” Sure enough, at the end of the episode, good sport that Sloan is, she takes a few swigs of Avion tequila and goes for it. The scene is awkward but very funny. “I've already disappointed enough people today, we don't have to do this,” E says. “It says, I move, you stay,” Sloan instructs. When she's clearly in pain, he tries to pull out, and she says, “Don't be a p*ssy.” That makes him thrust harder, eliciting a yelp. “You called me a p*ssy!” E explains. As they give up, E says, “I like your vag*na, is that so wrong?” No, E, no it isn't. His cell phone rings and it's Vince, drunk and stoned, telling him that he's going to sign on as the face of Avion, which doesn't please E. Sloan sees his face and says, “You look like I feel.”
More Funny Lines
- Lloyd (about his dog): “Isn't she delicious?” Ari (taking the dog to give to Jessica Simpson): “Find something else to cook for dinner.”
- Ari to Sorkin and Simpson: “I'm on Facebook because of you and I've got 600 friends. And John Mayer's not one of them.”
- Turtle: “She did Soderbergh's movie, so she's legit now.”
- Turtle (regarding Alex): “We made out all night.” Scotty: “You made out all night, where, at the freshman dance?”
- Turtle (to Scotty): “I've got all her DVDs. I'll give them to you so you can see what you're missing tonight.”
- Mrs. Ari: “Work yourself, Ari.”
- Bob Saget: “I don't call anybody four times in a row unless I'm trying to f*ck them.”
- Bob Saget: “Were you just talking about ass sex or something?”
- Sasha: “I always wanted to f*ck the Hulk when i was younger, is that weird?”
- Vince (regarding the Spideman statue): “Look, the shocker.”
- Bob Saget: “I've got [L.A. Bros, fill in the blacks here, what did he say? It sounded like “Soonan”] coming in for lunch. Great kabobs.”
- Aaron Sorkin: “I'm glad I'm leaving; that means you don't have to end my meeting for a pop star.”
- E to Drama: “You were too good-looking for that part anyway.”
Best Little Moments You Might Have Missed:
I know, it's a TV show, and the people on them are actually expect to act. But there were a few great looks from characters that deserve shout outs. I mentioned above Mike Tyson's look of disappointment following Ari's “bite [Bobby's] ear off” line. It was as if Tyson wanted to bite Ari's ear off, but suddenly remembered that he's now channeling his inner peace, and so could only give him a Dalai Lama-esque glare. That scene made me want to give Tyson his own scripted TV show. Hollywood, get to it. Another great look was E's when Sloan calls him up and asks him if he's been Googling an*l sex. Great mixture of horror that she found him out, that she called him out on it, and that Mr. Tanner was in the room for the phone call.
One last thing: The name of the tequila company is called Avion, which in Spanish of course means airplane. Makes you wonder if it means that the tequila will prompt the crash landing of Vince's career.
On the next page, the hottest Talent from last night's show…
I know we've shown Autumn Reeser (aka Lizzie) previously, but had to show a picture of the “evil p*ssy that lured” Andrew in.
Here's Maya Stojan, Stan Lee's assistant. And another photo:
And Caitlin Fowler, Bob Saget's BJ-offering girl:
And Lauren Shiohama, Phil's assistant at CBS:
And finally, Vince's Ferrari, just because…