This Poor Guy Experienced Every Man’s Worst Nightmare While Trying To Masturbate In His Bathroom
I don’t know about you people, but my worst masturbatory-related nightmare has to be the thought of somehow dying mid-jerk and having someone, ANYONE, find my mostly lifeless body one the floor (I say “mostly” because I imagine my dick would still be reaching for the stars) while porn continues to stream on my iPhone. Even in death, you can’t recover from that kind of exit. It would be all over the Internet in 2015. Hell, it was all over the Internet in 2009 when David Carradine lost his life-long battle with erotic asphyxiation.
Other than death and subsequent posthumous humiliation, there is always a real fear of a mishap that doesn’t kill you, but still leaves you looking like smut-loving pervert. Take this guy’s story from TIFU. After having a weird day, that included his car kicking up rocks and hitting a disabled kid (I honestly don’t know why that needed to be included in the story), he went home and needed to relieve the tension. Since his girlfriend was on the rag and sleeping, he decided to head into their bathroom to fuck himself. That’s when things took a turn for the unconscious.
There’s me, on my way home from work in my car which is a Maxda RX8 (for those that don’t know the car, it’s RWD) when I pull up behind the traffic that’s queueing up to the lights. I start fiddling around with shit in my car, look back at the road and noticed all the other cars have moved off. Knowing the lights usually change pretty quick and the distance between myself and the lights was clear I gunned it to make sure I didn’t have to wait again. As I pull away, the back wheels spin to fuck and I hear stones and gravel and shit hitting the rear mudguards and whatnot. There’s me thinking I’m looking pretty fucking cool having done a miniburnout and tearing away; this is when I check my rear view mirror and notice two figures in the middle of the road, one in a wheelchair, both covering their faces as gravel twats them all over.
Eventually, I get home (this was about 2 hours ago), drop my shit off and then head straight over to my girlfriends house. She’s been feeling pretty shit recently and then her body decided it was her time of the month, so she’s been feeling even worse; I got in and she’s made me food, left a beer and a note saying she’s in bed on the kitchen table. I eat the food and drink the beer, go upstairs to see if she’s woken up yet and she’s fast asleep. Me being me thought ‘there’s no way I’m getting any tonight and she’s asleep so she’ll never know’. At this point I head to the bathroom, shut the door (signalling it’s in use as the door is usually half open), get out my phone and get at it. 20 minutes later and I’m nearly done, so I stand up, turn myself around and point down into the toilet so I don’t have to clean anything up or dispose of any evidence or anything of the sort. As the inevitable is about to happen, my legs start to give so I sorta go into a crouchy squat, leaning forward to balance my weight. Now, in this moment of euphoria, I completely misjudge the space available and crack my knee into the side of the radiator, knocking me off balance. As I tumble back, trying to save myself while still in my moment, I hit my head on the sink basin and knock myself clean out. Having heard the commotion and woken up, my girlfriend bursts into the bathroom thinking something real bad has happened, only to find my unconscious body on the floor, appendage on full show and incriminating video still playing on my phone. Needless to say she fucking pissed herself after realising I was fine; I start to come around and hear her desperate for breath, holding her sides and tears rolling down her face. I just kinda got up, sorted myself out and looked embarrassingly at her until she stopped laughing. Now I’m sat on the bed with more food and an ice pack on my head.
TL;DR: car got mad wheel spin and showered a disabled kid and his/her carer with stones, then knocked myself out masturbating in my girlfriends bathroom.
Guy should thank his lucky stars. Not because he lived, but because on that particular night he decided to beat off to porn that wasn’t weird. His girlfriend might have had a different reaction if she found his limp body on the floor and a wild BBW orgy on his iPhone screen.
P.S. I choose that top image because the dude looks like he’s jerking off to his own reflection. I thought you’d like to know.