‘FACE IS EVERYTHING’ Guide to the Internet, Posted on a Message Board in 2005, Is Quite Amazing

by 7 years ago

Minus the possibilitiy of this being some sort of elaborate hoax (trolling should always be considered in this day and age) , this is nothing short of amazing. Although it's seemingly written with zero intelligence, many of the insights here are dead on to the point of telekinetic fear. HOW did we let this guy–known as 'IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston),' in the thread–slip by? 

We've extracted the message in question from the original thread, as seen below. Note that the sheer concept of Facebook violates nearly everything on this list:

**Keep in mind there are a few red flags when it comes to some choice social issues. Our posting of this does not reflect our opinions on said issues in away way. 

I'm schooling yall cuz I noticed Morbius breaking one of the cardinal rules of FACE IS EVERYTHING – NEVER make threats of violence on the internet. it's an unresolvable dilemma, irl if ur the aggressor it automatically earns u the most face, but if involved in internet beef it makes u seem like the bigger nerd and the guy who takes the internet 2 seriously. in other words: u mad!!! here's the rest of the list (taken from another board lol)

never post yr phone number. ever. ever-ever-ever. don't even pm it to ppl, but if u MUST, make sure to say that they should never ever post it publicly.

never post ur full name!
go by nickname if possible

never post how much u paid for ANYTHING. u may post wut u bought, but u should never reveal how much it cost u. this works really well when u post something that is seemingly really, really expensive. also, if someone insists on asking, u should say “don't worry about it” or “u can't afford it” or ” it was free. don't ask how, tho; i can't hook u up.”

never post where u work, work address, work email, work phone #, salary, work ANYTHING

never, EVER, EVER-EVER-EVER post good news before it's actually happened. for example, never post that ur in the running for “best dressed white girl in osh-kosh b'gosh county.” if u do, never make updates on its progress. u should only post something if it's already a done deal. this goes for similar things like big purchases, school applications, job searches, possible vacations , and so on.

never post about ur (fucked up) family, family name, member's names, anything family related

if ur visiting a city, NEVER post it about it publicly. if u do, do not be corny and say “attn: [city] name” or “i'm going to be inside u.” contact everyone privately.

ideally, no one should know that u visited until MONTHS later, when u casually mention it in passing. remember how darth vader did a surprise inspection of the death star in star wars? that's how it should be. like a secret, unofficial state dignitary visit.

better yet, u should not tell anyone at all. u should just go, do yr thing, then leave, never to say anything about it for all eternity.

never tell anyone details on yr dating situtation lest u want to be judged like a two-bit toothless ho on jerry springer. as far as everyone is concerned, ur a eunuch or a nun. or both.

also, never admit that ur bisexual or gay (not that either of us are, btw; no homo).

never post about how much your parents make or whut they do for a living
unless you're poor
then u get extra face points

never publicly engage yr friend in a cyber-quarrel, esp if ur of the same race, ethnicity, or (foreign) nationality, and esp if u know each other in person. if u find fault in something he or she has said, then u must engage him/her via private means, as in PM, email, or aim. publicly, it should appear as if u form one united front.

additionally, when a friend insults someone who is not yr friend, u are required to post a “hahaha” at the MINIMUM.

if ur a girl, never post yr height and weight. either no one will believe u or everyone will just think ur fat. in both cases, ppl will just think ur starved for attention.

if someone posts something u don't like, and ur already talking to someone or a bunch of others, feel free to ignore that person. he/she will be left to refresh the thread looking for response, in great frustration.

also, if u happen to be in a planning thread, and someone who isn't involved makes a comment, ignore him/her. bonus face points if u pm ppl and tell them to ignore that person, as well.

actual friends and e-friends should be kept ENTIRELY separate, unless u enjoy worlds colliding or being chided for having internet friends. if u happen to be caught w/ yr e-friends by yr actual friends, u will explain that u met those ppl at compusa or best buy. moreover, u will refer to yr non-internet friends as yr REAL friends, as opposed to e-friends, who don't really exist as far as the outside non-e-world is concerned.

never live w/ someone from the internet. this is a HUGE no-no, and there are very few exceptions. if u do, u must procure:

a) a credit check (at yr expense);
b) proof of income or assets; and
c) a security deposit.

if u are subletting or sub-leasing long-term, make sure to get ALL the money up front, including that for all the bills. otherwise, draw up a contract and have it notarized. standards forms for most states are available on the web. keep yr door locked at all times. ideally, yr internet roomie should have no idea what yr room looks like, AT ALL.

don't ever talk about how broke u are or how u can't afford to pay ur bill(s) bc u too dumb to manage money
and don't ask ppl to paypal u money!!!

if ur asian, and u see a post about the american release of an asian movie, make sure to mention that u already saw it at least 2 years ago, and that youve owned the dvd for at least 6 months. it doesn't matter when the actual movie was produced. nine times out of ten, if ur a proper asian, you'll have already seen all the right asian movies to see, anyway. if anyone asks where to cop the dvd, make sure to send them on a wild goose chase or say that u forgot.

don't dj
don't be a dj
don't even post the word on the internet

matter fact, if ur a dj (don't answer this, btw; that's a no-no) just throw away yr decks right now.

also, if ur planning an event, don't BEG ppl to go relentlessly. they'll think it's really lame. be all “yeah, come if u want. ppl are gonna be there regardless…” and if ppl ask who's gonna be there, say “errybody.” if they ask what it's like, tell them “you're just gonna have to see.”

after having an e-gathering, don't be the one to post 239712794764 pictures of the party in a thread bc the ppl who were there will hate u for posting it and the ppl who weren't there will hate u for posting it. also, the official computer party historian is secretly thought of as the biggest nerd for taking tons of pics as if he/she were trying to preserve such precious memories. if ur at the party, try not to be in any pictures.

and if u dating someone from the internet don't tell ur irl friends how/where u guys met and don't let ppl online know period. mb after u guys break up then mb it's ok to mention it. no threads should be made specifically about the relationship tho, or it'll blow up in ur face man and hall of shame4u.

also, never talk about yr actual friends on the internet (and vice-versa, for good measure). if u do talk about them, do not mention names. and never, ever, ever-ever-ever post pictures of u partying w/ them. the only case where this rule may be broken is if ur posting pics of yrself from at least 5 yrs ago and u looked radically different.

don't make ur thread title start w/a line from an aim chat and then have a huge 50ft chunk of an aimchat u had w/ur lover/mom/sister/tectetce. for the body. at least edit it or break it up to the funny parts so ppl don't have to drudge thru the crap.

if someone is constantly trying to argue w/ u, do not try and avoid it, deflect it, or play it off. never cop pleas and try to resolve things too early (if at all); that is for the weak-minded and passive, both online and off.

if ur a girl, u must never make yr femininity yr main appeal to other users on the internet. it is taken as a lack of intelligence, wit, and/or cleverness when u act like a cyber-ho in order to gain attention. at best, ppl will run a train on u when u visit their city. if u are in fact very dimwitted and cannot help it, do not do this during the daytime anytime between the hours of 9-5 or so, unless u feel u have a penchant for being ridiculed.

additionally, female users will never reply to sex threads. if they do, it should only be to make a joke or to lampoon those who already have by calling them “fucking sluts” or “trampycakes”. even if u are mentioned in such a thread, and a discussion brews in which ppl conjecture about yr sexual practices, u will still avoid replying. ideally, u should never talk about yr sexual history, unless sharing an anecdote, and even then, little if any detail info should be shared. ideally, u would never have clicked on a sex [poll/questionnaire] thread, anyway.

users will also be required to refer to messageboard/chatting/listserving/waleva-waleva as “the game.” “the messageboard game” “the game done changed; lotta new jacks tryna do the come up quick style.” this also gives rise to a new messageboard e-parlance:

deleting oneself: leaving the game
new to the game: new user, or just haplessly stupid old user
true to the game: seasoned veteran
and so on.

also, try not to show yr emotions (if any) unless ur completely conscious of it. remember james bond in a view to a kill when he bet on max zorin's horse? he knew that horse would win the race since it was drugged. what did he do? he didn't cheer for it or even scream when it won. no one even knew he had bet on it until he told some butler type, “jeeves, will u cash this in for me?” then he just walked away w/ a smirk on his face.

― IN UR BASE KILLING ALL UR DUDES (Adrian Langston), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 01:45 (6 years ago) Permalink

[H/T: @Max_Read]