A Little Bit About All Those Times I’ve Failed To Get It Up
It ain’t the best to have to lay in bed late at night, wide awake, having just failed to get an erection.
The problem is the girl next to you, who you aren’t sure is actually asleep but are hoping to the Lord that she is, if only so she isn’t also laying awake in a random room with some dude who, although he tried to placate her with 15 minutes of oral sex, explicitly broke the tacit agreement she made with him, that being, “If I come all the way from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn, I’m getting sex.”
She didn’t, so like, you can almost feel the anger. But you’re not ashamed at all, because although this is the first time with her, this certainly wasn’t your first time. In fact, you saw all the warning signs as they happened.
- Well, one is the fact that you started drinking at three in the afternoon and probably shouldn’t have even texted her, because the fact you had to resort to uppers to consider yourself sober enough to meet her did not bode well for the chance of you having successful intercourse; and
- That faint, frustratingly soft, unthrobbing, tepid erection that arrived inside your pants when you were expecting something a little more … solid.
Yea. You knew it wasn’t going to happen right when you started kissing her. But man, imagine saying that. “Hey. No.” Instead you had to feign through the whole process, up to the point where it became impossible to ignore. What a waste.
It wasn’t that you were uneager or unexcited to do this. In fact — alcohol aside, and alcohol is often a big aside — the instances wherein you haven’t been able to get an erection have always been with people you are attracted to. They’re inexplicable. Just not infrequent.
Since it’s so routine, it’s not really a problem. You don’t have to lie and pretend like it never happens and by now you’re no longer afraid to masturbate in a woman’s presence to attempt to revive things.
“Just… give me a second,” you say, which usually prompts them to offer you head, which, depending, you either accept or decline. That must be defeating to have that offer turned down, but sometimes you know that won’t work. You’re doing them a favor. In a way.
And then it’s bed time. I always try to pass out first in those situations. Better to show you’re pretty caj about the whole thing.
You weren’t always. The first time it happened wasn’t the big deal everyone makes it out to be. It was the second. The first came when my girlfriend and I went home after a heavy night of drinking. She was the first person I was having real, quality, good, my god I love this sex with, and nothing stopped us. We were fucking like… two people great at fucking each other. You know that feeling. All the time. Everywhere. That night, despite many previous intoxicated encounters, I lost my erection. I didn’t think at all about it – other than a “Huh?” — until we started making out in the morning. Nothing happened.
Not a stir. Not a quiver. Just. Dud.
We kept kissing and I kept stalling because, at 22, I wasn’t sure of the etiquette of jacking it in front of someone (which thank god I’ve gotten over that hang-up) and I don’t remember if she tried to give me head. Eventually, I had to shrug, as confused as her. I left, my tiny little penis having twice stayed tiny and little.
I still didn’t consider it that much, having had done sex plenty. Until it happened the next time. Then again. And a fifth and sixth until it was every single time, me completely unable to get aroused for a girl who days ago I couldn’t stop being with.
We kept trying. Her mouth on it left it limp. Her hand had no effect. After the ninth or tenth time, one afternoon, she left, disgusted. I walked to my English class and spent the entire time thinking about my dick. There was nothing there. I couldn’t make it move. Clenching my groin did nothing. There was no feeling. It was frightening. I worried about if I would ever get an erection again. That was the only thought in my head for the entire hour. I thought I wouldn’t. What if … never? I went straight home and tried to masturbate. Not a thing.