How Do I Stop Fantasizing About Banging Every Woman I Meet?
Welcome to another edition of Ask A Bro. As some noticed, I was gone last week. Where was I? Let me grab my acrylics and paint you all a picture.
The outdoor hot tub seemed like the least crowded spot in the heat of a Cancun afternoon but there I was, beer in hand, surrounded by complete strangers. The only other person in the tub that I knew prior to the day was my wife.
A Ritz Carlton pool waiter sauntered by and casually mumbled “drinks” in a tone that felt as if he were half doing his job and half in a prevent defense. He wanted to keep the hot tub party from getting any drunker — at least until his shift was over.
“AMIGO! AMIGO!” barked a total bro standing center point in a circle of buzzed coworkers from across the country. Bro motioned the bronze-skinned local in the bone white hotel uniform to come as close as possible without becoming another body in the people stew.
“50 mind erasers, por favor.”
Dead silence from his new amigo.
“50 mind erasers….”
“Who knows how to say mind eraser in Spanish?” he called back to the circle jerk.
Silence from both sides.
“Who knows what the hell is in a mind eraser?”
The group squawked out ingredients I think are in a mind eraser, ingredients I’m not sure are in a mind eraser, and ingredients I’m fucking positive aren’t in a mind eraser. The bro cobbled those elements together to explain to his new friend, (a friend so long as the drinks were correct), how to explain to the bartender what’s in a mind eraser.
The amigo waddled off to retrieve the fifty drinks. Fifty drinks for, rough math, a hot tub of no more than 20 people. I’ll say 25 people just to make it appear as if he’d had the foresight to order two for each person.
I didn’t know the bro, over half the hot tub didn’t either, yet within minutes we were all sucking down a mind eraser on his dime.
Then we were all sucking down a second.
I’d like to tell you how this story ends but I don’t fucking remember.
On to the questions. If you’ve got a question, submit it here.
Q: How do I stop lusting for other girls at my college when I’m in a committed relationship?
A: You’ll never, ever, EVER stop lusting after other girls. Ever. Even if you’re 100% happy in your relationship so stop beating yourself up about it.
Lusting after other women is actually healthy for your current relationship. Scenario — So you see this hot chick and your first reaction is BOING (and happens in your mind) and then seconds later BOING (that happens in your jorts). You’re imagining dirty scenarios in which she asks if you’d like fries and soda with your meal but she really means “please ravage me on this filthy McDonald’s counter and make me Grimace” and, seriously, do you always have sex dreams with puns? That’s weird.
Then what happens? You meet up with your girl and you’re worked up as HELL and it’s sexy time. Then you nut, the feeling for the other chick passes, and you’re like “I’ve got it pretty good with this girl so how about I not screw this up” and you’re all happy and everything is perfect. If only she used more fast food puns you’d get off earlier. Maybe you’ll bring that up next time.
Q: I’ve hooked up sober with a chick before by just going for the kiss but now I’m not sure how to do it again with other girls. Should I just go for the kiss or should I ask if she wants to?
A: Have you ever had a woman do something during foreplay that completely killed your boner? Maybe she mentioned her ex-boyfriend or you spotted a Hershey streak in her underwear or she explained how the two of you were blood related. Whatever she did, it just totally crushed your chub.
Asking a woman to kiss her is a lady boner killer. Women hate it. If she wants you to kiss her, she’ll think, “I can’t believe this guy missed every single signal I’ve been sending all night. He must have a steamy sack of shit for brains.” If she doesn’t want you to kiss her she’s now in the awkward predicament of having to say to a bro “I don’t want to kiss you” EVEN AFTER you’ve missed all of the signals she’s been sending that she doesn’t want your mouth on her.
Look for the signals. If you see them, go for it.
Q: I’m in a serious poke war with some chick I want to hook up with and I’m pretty sure she wants to hook up with me. Does a poke war mean, “I’m not that into you get away from me” or “poke me next weekend?”
A: A poke war means you’re both in eighth grade and will have a hard time meeting the opposite sex with all of your Game Of Thrones fan fiction rewrites getting in the way.
Grow up. Stop fucking/poking around. Get laid. You’re welcome.
Q: I started seeing this girl a month or two ago and we just recently tossed the bf/gf label on it. This girl is amazing and I like everything about her. My only complaint is that she really has quite a jungle growing down between her legs. We’ve had sex maybe 5 times and I’ve gone down on her a few times, but it’s really a huge turn off for me. Keeping in mind this is a brand new relationship, is there anyway I can ask her to shave (or at least significantly trim) without insulting or offending her?
A: Spring is coming. Get ready for the coming season with a new lawn tool. Gas-powered trimmers are only $299, only at the Lowe’s. Lowe’s — let’s shave someone together.
But to answer your question, there is a simple way to ask — the next time you’re going down on her, stop, look up and say “found my car keys!” Kidding. Just say to her “is there a reason you keep such long pubic hair?” She’s obviously got a logical explanation. Maybe she thinks all guys like it when it looks like a woman is smuggling Questlove in her pants. Maybe she’s covering up a penis. Maybe she’s covering up a visible venereal disease. Just ask. It’s an honest question.
Just wait for Questlove to leave the room. It would be uncomfortable for her to answer in front of him.
Got a question for the resident bro? Submit questions here, email Chris directly at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital [dot] com or if it’s under 140 characters, hit Chris up on Twitter @chrisilluminati.