Five Ways to Stay Fresh Below the Belt

by 10 years ago

1. Dry Goods Spray

A spray that comes in a nice, clean white can. You put it on your nuts, grundle, or wherever you choose.

Good: Lasts really long for a can, easy to apply. Spray away my friend. No chafing at all. Zero clumping, smiles all around. The best part is how this is a product you don't have to be scared kids in your frat will use. It doesn't touch any area, so you won't get the DZ girls' herpes that have been making the rounds.

Bad: Depending on if you spray too closely, you put white spots on your balls. Chicks won't like that, trust me. If you get dome and the girl happens to hit the Dry Goods… you can pretty much guarantee that blowie is coming to a swift end.

2. Gold Bond Body Powder

I still remember the first time in high school someone suggested this as a way of keeping your grundle Sahara dry. “Dude, so easy, just dump some on your hand and toss it on your nutsack.” I was so stoked to go to Duane Reade and put this magical powder on my two best friends. I get home, thinking of how fresh I'll be at the dance later in the week. The next sensation was not that awesome. Powder hits balls, ooooh it's cool, this is great. Next thing I know it feels like my balls were just dipped in hot sauce. The powder feels like it is attempting to invade my nutsack and make sure I never have children (probably a good idea). Despite this pain, over the next few days I settled in and got used to it.

Good: Cheap, easy to put on, dry.

Bad: Clumps up like kitty litter if there is any moisture there; inferno nutsack is still not fun.


3. Fresh Balls

This product gets right to the point (see video below). It is only available on their website and comes in a cream form. Cream form? Exactly my first reaction, how can a cream keep them delightfully dry? According to the Daily Blonde, there's some buzz from women about the product, who of course are complaining about it, saying if they saw a guy with it they would run. I think they forget about the timed and unpleasant events of a vag*na…

Good: Works really well, drys instantly. Smells pretty good, no chemical-ness to it at all.

Bad: $14.99, only available on the site. Putting cream on my balls makes me think I'm treating herpes or something. It can dry on your hands before it hits your nuts, which leaves awkward white powder on your hands. You cannot share this product. At all, don't even think about it.

4. Remington Back and Body Groomer

Listen, if you have a Southern-American jungle of wild bush down there, it's going to be humid. Plus, it's 2010 and it's socially acceptable to trim a little if you're a Bro. I'm not talking about waxing your eyebrows and joining “Jersey Shore” in an effort to get herpes from some Jersey sl*ts. Simple trimming keeps things so airy. I did it earlier and I'm pretty sure I felt aerodynamic in my cock-and-ball area. Plus, now my 10-inch staff looks at least like a Jared Footlong.

The Remington Back and Body Groomer is slick and lets you trim the upper region and make the boys smooth as eggs. Highly recommended. Make sure to keep it in an area that is seen in your man cave; the girl will become curious as to what designs you have made down there. I was considering going old school with a crisp Nike symbol and “Just Do It.”

Good: Smooth balls like blue bird baby eggs, which won't be so blue when she sees how slick they are. Easy to use without cutting open your acorn sack.

Bad:  Hard to maneuver in some areas. To get the best cut you need to charge that bad boy before you release the hounds.

5. Deodorant

Don't lie. You've tried it, most likely before the high school dance when you were so stoked you might get some. Those were the days when you thought finger blasting meant going in and out. Please tell me you learned that doesn't work anymore…

Good: None. There are products (see above) meant for this area.

Bad: It burns badly and usually causes chaffing.