Sex is fun, but it can quickly get redundant. If you’re mantra is “get in, get off, get out”, it’s time to review your options, there are so many ways to (literally and figuratively) shake up the bedroom.
Sexual relations are the height of emotional and physical intimacy, and what better way to take advantage of that trust than pulling a prank? So the next time your penis looks like Bill Murray waking up to another 6AM alarm clock, grab your Andie MacDowell, wine her, dine her, tell her you love her and end your Groundhog Day by scarring her at the peak of human affection, with the Best Pranks To Pull During Foreplay.
Note: Unless you’re a sick fuck who actually believes your girlfriend will continue to date you for your humor, you should only try these on one night stands that you never plan on seeing again.
What You’ll Need: some smooth linguistics and a cold
When a girl to allows you to open the pages of her Huckleberry Finn for a close reading, it’s the ultimate act of comfort and trust. Poor girl. Go down with the passion, fervor and cunning of the Scarlet Pimpernel and make her believe she’s on her way to the top. Just when she’s about to reach her Wuthering Heights, let out one simple sneeze, on target. Her shock, and disgust at you mixing two kinds of mucus should be enough for her to throw you off, run away and develop a psychosexual complex and builds a Berlin Wall at her belly button. If she shrugs it off and keeps going, joke’s on you; she’s already given you an STD.
What You’ll Need: a strong tuck and some pubic hair
When couples try to recreate scenes from movies, the Silence of the Lambs is rarely on the list. But making a girl think she’s brought home Buffalo Bill is so worth it. While making out, covertly reach into your own pants and tuck your genitalia between your legs. When she pulls your pants down, she’ll get a reveal usually reserved for freak shows in the South. Heighten the surprise by yelling “Vagina Boy” or “Mangina” and waddling around the room. Bonus points if Q Lazarus’ ‘Goodbye Horses’ is playing in the background. Weeks later, remind her of the horror by simply texting: |Y|.
What You’ll Need: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Gold & Platinum album
If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? Your lady will never forget you with this magnum opus of white-trashery. Put on the album and skip to track #8, the anthem of missed child support payments; Freebird (the 14-minute version). You’ve got about six minutes of solid foreplay music, so do a commendable job. When you hear “Lord, I can’t change”, begin penetration. The next minute is an upbeat thrusting tempo so she shouldn’t expect a thing, until it launches into a blistering guitar solo that resembles a feline orgy. Let out your hick-est “woo” and create your own record-breaking bull ride until she knows that the South will rise again. She’ll feel so violated that she’ll play Neil Young immediately. If she wants to go again; you’ve got a Republican on your hands.
Peanut Butter Pussy
What You’ll Need: travel-sized container of peanut butter (any brand)
Want to play the long game? When you lift up her hood and begin to check her oil, covertly take out the container, dip your finger and stash some Skippy in her snatch like you’re planting a bomb. Go about your business as usual. The morning after, when you’ve long vacated the premises, she’ll check her underwear and think she has the yeast infection from hell. Bonus points if it’s chunky. Minus points if she’s anaphylactic.
What You’ll Need: a raspy voice and a woman’s cowboy hat
Every man wants to be Randy Savage and now’s your chance to pretend you’ve been possessed by his tasseled spirit. First, get her to pleasure you with both hands, calling it “the Double Axehandle”. Begin to gruffly say “aha”. Start circling your finger in the air and violently flexing your neck. When you’re ready to hit your finish, throw on the hat, bellow “oooohhhh yeeeaahhhh” and start dropping elbows on the bed. If she doesn’t bolt, marry her immediately. You’ve found your Miss Elizabeth and you’ll get to be Randy Savage for the rest of your life.
Never Ending Foreplay
What You’ll Need: a copy of The Never Ending Story, preferably VHS
Is there anything more anti-sexual than commercialized childhood sentimentality? Now’s your chance to find out. Before you commence the festivities, nonchalantly play the Never Ending Story on low volume in the background. Begin your foreplay, you’ve got about 45 minutes. When Atreyu enters the Swamp of Sadness, stop what you’re doing, turn up the volume and sit in complete silence as Atreyu’s horse, Artax meets his excruciatingly slow demise by sinking into the swamp. Immediately resume your sexual activities, over the saddened wails of an unusually pretty 12-year-old boy. You have now created a permanent Pavlovian response where she can’t hook up without envisioning equestrian cruelty. You should also name your penis Falkor the Luckdragon.