You’ve bumped, flirted, grinded, closed, penetrated, sweated, and finished, and now it’s time for her to get out so you can get some sleep.
The question is how do you get her to leave without coming across like a complete asshole or ruining any second chances?
It’s complicated, but there with the right combinations of actions and words it can be accomplished.
What’s most important to this game plan is to make sure you don’t treat her like a one-night stand (give her a few compliments here and there), but also drive home the point you’re not looking for a sleepover — this is about sex without the awkward rollover in the morning.
I can imagine this is equivalent to walking a balance beam or a tight rope, so you need to focus on what you want to accomplish — getting her out the door after the deed is done without pissing her off.
The delicateness of this acrobatic shuffle can’t be stated enough; however, remember the hard work has been done already, bro, getting her to leave is the easier part.
It’s all about concentration and timing. Overplaying your hand, or playing it too reserved, could be the kiss of death and she will end up spending the night.
Some dudes don’t mind the sleepover and that’s fine — a wake and bang is always welcomed, if possible — but what shouldn’t be forgotten is how less complicated things will be if you wake up in your bed and she wakes up in hers.
If you don’t want to listen to any of this, then that’s fine but ask yourself this: would she hesitate for a second to throw your ass out of her place? Thought so.
Here are 9 steps to reciprocate those feelings:
1. Morning plans
The go-to amongst most bros to chase a female out after sex is the same excuse girls use to give us the boot: they have to get up really early for (fill in the blank) reason. I don’t see the harm in adding this to our arsenal; however, I have seen it backfire tremendously in the past. “I have to get up early, too, it’s no big deal,” is a likely response you will hear from her which puts you right back at square one. Although No. 1 on this list, I say use this one cautiously. It’s effective most of the time, but I’m sure you played it out 100 times, the results wouldn’t be overly satisfying.
2. Sleep patterns
Tell her you don’t sleep and you’re an insomniac. This is a really strong, neutral excuse to get her to leave, because you’re not saying there’s anything wrong with her (the key to a second helping, if you want one), while also not totally scaring her off. If anything, she may be intrigued. The flip side of this step would be to say you sleep too late or too much and that if she wants to sleep over, then that’s fine but you won’t get up to say goodbye. On paper, I think the later approach looks like it would be a lot less successful, but I’ve never really tried it myself cause I have the curse of always waking up early.
3. Run to the bathroom
Don’t immediately use this ploy after sex, but after a 15-20 minute grace period, get up and make a dramatic run to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter which orifice you’re pretending to discharge out of, what is important is that she’s grossed out. If she thinks your puking or shitting, she will leave and that will be it. No words even have to be spoken.
4. Blame your roommates
This step is a lot more than the headline suggests. I am not condoning you throw your friends under the bus, rather, tell her that the dudes you live with have an affinity for waking you up with 4 a.m. beer showers in bed or something else that will completely turn her off. Some other examples: they bang wildly on your door early in the morning; they will take photos of her when she walks out of your room; they like to piss in the hallway and not the bathroom. You get the picture. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel or make anything up here, I’m sure the actual truth will suffice.
“Just fucking leave, goddammit.”
5. Your lock is broken
A surprisingly effective tactic and, more often than not, the truth. This step sort of parlays with the crazy roommates — there’s probably a story behind why your door doesn’t lock — and it will get her thinking that the late walk home might actually be a better option than whatever other possibilities may happen when she doses off next to you before your roommates come back.
6. Ride home: now or never
It may seem a bit desperate to offer her a ride home rather than have her just stay over, but if you’re willing to drive then this will force home the point you really don’t want her to sleepover. In case this goes over her head, make it a one time offer — it’s either the ride home at 2 a.m. or the walk of shame at 8 a.m. Her choice. I’m positive the ride will be the option she chooses.
7. Show her the bathroom
I won’t add anything here except that this really does work if your bathroom upkeep is below health standards. In most cases, it is and if you show her the vileness of what you and your buddies have created, and then she won’t walk out, she’ll sprint. Caution: this may indirectly ruin any second chances you’re hoping for.
8. Read the situation, get personal
Like a good quarterback, you have to read what the defense is doing at the line of scrimmage throughout the game, If you detect this girl is strictly looking to get laid, like yourself, and doesn’t want anything more out of this situation, then implement perhaps the safest step in the book: get personal. Tell her some background shit and talk about how your feeling — it doesn’t matter about what. If she’s already had her urges satisfied, then she will excuse herself from your bed and leave.
Again, only use this on a situational basis with a girl who doesn’t care at all and is just looking for sex.
The girl lying next to you is not your girlfriend so if you want the night to continue, then there’s nothing stopping you. If you’re roommates are back, then get out of bed and join them in the late night festivities. If there’s still a bar open or a party raging, then go find it. She may pass out in your bed, which isn’t what you want, but chances are if you leave the scene altogether, then she will follow suit. It’s an animalistic approach, but it’s one that has worked in the past. Similar to No. 3, the effectiveness here is the lack of dialogue needed.
[All images via ShutterStock]