Girl Read Her Boyfriend’s Texts While He Was Sleeping, Plus How to Greet Chicks You’ve Just Met

by 5 years ago

Q: I just entered college this year, and throughout high school, my friends and I have always wondered one thing… Whenever you walk into either a party or a sober social gathering to introduce yourself to girls, do you give them a hug, a polite handshake, or just (awkwardly) stand there and start the conversation?

A: This is always one of those “GAAAAAAAAHHHHH I CAN’T FUCK THIS UP, WHAT DO I DO!?!” moments. And you try to play it real cool and suave-like but it always ends in you screaming internally, “OH NO, I JUST KISSED HER SHOULDER AND EVERYONE SAW!”

With girls you know for a while, you develop a rapport: Beth and Sara like the cheek kiss, Tina and Colleen are hugs only, Kara likes to just stand there and wave like the dunce that she is, and Morgan kisses everyone but me because I must have unstoppable horseshit breath be totally irresistible and it'll get her too aroused. But a first impression, especially in college, is everything. You fuck up and accidentally suck one girl’s ear lobe, and no one will ever let you live it down.

When I got to college I was also stymied. People were kissing each other left and right. Meanwhile, I was standing there thinking I could pick and choose, “You're hot, so I'll kiss you, but this other one looks like a gnome, so I'm going to pass on touching her.” It didn't work out that way—the gnomes always want to be kissed, especially if someone introduced them to you. That's the thing, you really don't have to do anything at all if you're approaching these girls on your own in a bar, but a warm introduction from someone else often requires a gesture on your part. 

However, there are a few things to keep in mind when you're introduced to a new set of chicks. First, if you're with a group of guys, try to avoid being the guinea pig. Let someone else fail miserably at greeting another human being. Also, if there are an overwhelming number of girls, chances are you can just give that foolish-looking, crowd-sweeping wave we all give when we meet a big group of people (the wave starts with your right hand at your left shoulder and ends near your right thigh, you know the one, it basically screams “HOWDY, ALL. I'M JUST YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD DOUCHEBAG.”). But if there are only two girls, and you're standing face-to-face, it's either hug, kiss, or nothing—I once read most girls don't like to shake hands so I avoid it. Ultimately, I usually just go for the half-assed semi-hug because it's the safest bet. If she kisses me, that's fine, but if she had no intentions of it then I also save face by not licking hers.

Q: So I'm a 20-year-old girl in college and in a relationship with this guy for almost a year. Problem is, he is constantly texting other girls he claims to be 'friends' with. I went through his phone while he was sleeping one night and read one of them confessing her love for him (that one that sits with us in class every day). I know I can't bring it up since he'll get mad that I was snooping but I don't know how to approach this issue. He gets extremely jealous and protective if I even say hi to a guy friend, but he's just being hypocritical.

A: You've got to take a step back and ask yourself, “Do I even want to be with someone so dumb that he doesn't lock his phone?” Maybe he's not hiding anything but we're all hiding SOMETHING, even if it's that weird text conversation with our best friend where we joke about our other friend's wife laying naked in nothing but a construction helmet while masturbating with a laser level. Not exactly incriminating information, but it wasn't my proudest moment this weekend either.

Forget him being hypocritical for a moment. What the hell made you think doing psychotic covert ops while he's 12 inches away from you was a good idea? I don't condone snoopery, young lady. Stop rummaging through his texts before it makes you insane, because it will and it sort of already has.

If you want to confront him about her, your only shot is after a class when she is excessive in her flirting. Never EVER admit what you did. That'll destroy all trust in your relationship.

As angry as you are that this chick is in heat over your boyfriend, there's a deeper, more immense, problem here. It isn't that he has girl friends, it's that you willingly sacrificed all your guy friends for this dude and he can't return the favor. Until you talk to him about that, you'll always have the urge to toy with that idiot's unlocked phone.

Q: I have a serious question that has been bugging me for a while now. I am going to Morocco this spring, mostly for the hashish. And all my bros are nagging me to bring some back. We've come to the conclusion that the only way to do so is by sticking that jawn up my shithole. Is this homo, even if I only bring back a little bit? I mean I really love my THC and all but this seems to be pushing it a little bit…

P.S. Have any better smuggling ideas?

A: Does anyone else just fart too much to ever be able to pull this off? No? Just me? Well then.

To be honest, I’m amused by the fact that you’re more worried about being called queer than getting caught smuggling drugs back into the country. To the queer end, I think you're in the clear as the world seems to give you a pass when the object you shove up your ass is a drug. Some kind of weird, sodomy loop hole that you should definitely take advantage of. 

And no, although there are plenty of other ways to smuggle drugs, I don't have any recommendations. For you, it’s up your asshole or nothing.

Q: I've been talking to a girl for quite some time now that I consider date-worthy material. For this reason I haven't pulled the trigger yet. This is NOT a normal bro maneuver, but there were some major factors involved in this decision: 1. Not a huge fan of the rekindle a fling into a relationship approach 2. Was going into senior year of college and this would have been long distance 3. I'm now in Europe (so as any reasonable bro would realize, going monogamous under these conditions would be one of the worst ideas conceivable). However, being the awesome girl she is, she realized that the timing wasn't in the cards and that the interest is still mutual.

I myself usually consider the friends zone to be activated after failure to meet one of three conditions 1. Lack of physical attraction 2. Lack of personality compatibility 3. Waiting or failure to pull the trigger. So, concerning issue number 3, a. how long have you successfully avoided the friendszone? b. how long do you think it's possible to avoid?

A: Here's the “thing” about the friend zone: You don't just wind up there because of your actions or inaction, you get put there because the girl doesn't fucking like you the way you like her. Not because you waited too long to make a move or you cut your hair. She just doesn't look at you and think thoughts like “I want to date someone like him” or “Just looking at him makes me want to break out the hardhat and laser level.”

I know that doesn't wholly pertain to your question but I'm so goddamn tired of people asking me “How do I escape the friend zone?” Sometimes you don't. That's the hard truth of it. The quicker people realize that they can't brainwash someone to suddenly thinking they’re hot shit, the quicker they can find a chick that does.

But in regards to if a girl is into you and you don't make a move, that doesn't mean you'll be thrown into the friend zone fire. The attraction is there and it never dies unless you a) Royally fuck her over, b) Wait too long and she finds better, or c) Begin to age like a fucking swamp monster.

As long as the wheels haven't gone in motion for b) and c) you should be fine.

Q: Alright, here's the most messed up would you rather of the night so far. Scenario: you are the middle of a human centipede for 72 hours. Would you rather Kate Upton in front (so your mouth to her ass) with Terry Crews fondling you at random times. Kate Upton's diet is atrocious so her shits are just awful and Terry has big calluses on his hands OR Terry Crews upfront (so you mouth to his ass) and every time he shits, he shits a viagra into you so you get a huge woody and Kate then proceeds to jerk you off from the back while her face is sown to your ass.

A: I’m terrified of this question.


B. I pick B. Because at least I’m not eating shit AND getting hand-raped by a man.

And before I go, I'd just like to say thanks to these next few words because you're now thinking about TERRY CREWS SHITTING ERECTION PILL-LACED POOP INTO YOUR MOUTH, TOO. You're welcome. 

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here. 


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