Here’s How You Get A Girl To Turn On The Water Works In Bed — And I’m Not Talking Tears
Welcome to another edition of Ask A Bro — the weekly advice column helping every Richard with his dick (and other issues).
This week on Ask A Bro we’ll discuss the wonderful world of bedroom waterworks, talk attached parents, compare women to cars and help a guy get over losing his favorite shirt. If you’ve got a question you’d like me to answer in a future column, submit it here.
Let’s get wet….
Q: I’m just going to come out and say it: how do you get her to squirt?
A: My first piece of advice is to stop being so damn blunt. It’s a woman, not soda machine. Second, do a little research into the topic and, wait for it, ask her if this is even something she wants to happen. How would you feel if your woman was randomly emailing advice columns asking for tips on how to get every kitchen utensil in the drawer into your asshole during foreplay? “Why is there a ladle in my brown eye?!?! You didn’t even ask! And now what are we going to use for the soup I made for dinner?!?
If she’s into the idea of turning the bed into a water park, do a little research. Here’s an informative piece from Gabrielle Moss at Bustle where she used her own vagina as a testing ground. Learn from people who’ve experimented on themselves.
I’ve done a little research on the topic — because you did come to me for advice — and here are a couple starting tips to keep in mind before twisting the knob on the sprinkler in her shorts.
1) She has to be relaxed. She won’t be relaxed if you just start trying shit on her without prior consent.
2) There’s actually no knob twisting, that was a joke. I felt I needed to clear that up before you tried something dumb and got your knob twisted.
3) Begin with some oral stimulation and teasing of her clitoris.
4) After a few minutes, insert your middle finger — with your palm facing up — and aim for the G-spot. The G-spot is about two inches in or in the handbag section of Bloomingdales. Whichever makes her moan louder.
5) Slowly move your finger in a “get over here” type motion. One finger, bro. One finger.
Now that’s she’s good and ready, consult this piece and just know I’m so aroused I’m typing the rest of this column with my dong.
Q: Being an only child, my parents don’t have much going on when I’m not around. Even though I’m a senior in college, they still aren’t really used to me being away, and won’t really go do their own thing if I don’t do it when them. So, I feel guilty when I choose to hang with my friends because I know it means them staying in. I spend a decent amount of time with them, but I still feel guilty when they won’t (and this sounds harsh) get their own lives and do their own thing. How can I get them to go out more without me?
A: As an only child, once in the same situation, I feel I’m incredibly qualified to answer this question. My answer is going to be harsh, but, it’s for your own good and for the good of your parents.
In all honesty, fuck ’em. You have a life to live, one that doesn’t involve Saturday night dinners with mom and dad at their favorite Italian joint and Netflixing the fuck out of old Murphy Brown episodes. Maybe every couple of months a night like that to reconnect with the ‘rents is fine but you’re only a young man in his 20’s once.
They are grown adults. If they don’t understand that their 21-year-old son doesn’t want to hang with mom and dad at B&N they’ve got bigger issues. One of those issues is the fact that probably hate being alone with one another. I told you this was harsh. I’ve got two young kids and I’m constantly looking for ways to just hang out with my wife. Sometimes I dream of the day they move the fuck out. Your mom and dad only have one kid. You’re their only focus, and probably, the only thing they have in common anymore. If they liked each other they’d both say “won’t be around much this weekend, kid. We’re going to live the life you stole from us for the past 18 years. Here’s $100, go away.”
Live your own life. Let them figure out how to live theirs.
Q: Bro-code says you shouldn’t date your best friends ex. But what if you and the bro no longer talk? We’re not in a fight or anything like that, we’re just not friends anymore. Is it okay to date his ex? Also, they have kids together.
A: Let me make sure I’m clear on this question — you want to start banging the woman he doesn’t want to bang anymore, hang out with the kids he doesn’t want to live with anymore and live the life he doesn’t really want? Christ, you want his underwear and his medical conditions too?
If a guy was selling a car that seemed perfect, and you couldn’t figure out why, would you buy the car? Nope. Something wrong under the hood. There’s something wrong under her hood. Let’s his reluctance to live his own life be a red flag that you probably don’t want to live it either.
Too band you’re not still friends. He could tell you everything wrong with the car.
Q: I want to break up with this girl I’ve been dating for a month but she has one of my most favorite shirts in her room. How do I make that phone call? “Hey, lets go grab some coffee and bring my shirt too.”? I think she’ll read right through that and then it’ll be something like, “Sorry, it seems your sleeve got torn off on the way over here.”
A: Well, you could do this the easy way or the easier way. The easy way to stop by her place randomly, hang out for a couple minutes, grab the shirt, say you’ve got to take a dump and leave to never speak to her again. She’ll either be happy, because who wants to date a guy talking about massive dumps a month into the relationship or just hate your guts (which she would have done after the break-up anyway).
The easier way is to stop acting like a little bitch and stressing over a piece of clothing. If it was that fucking special, why did you leave it there in the first place? Did you let her borrow it? Then maybe she means more to you than your realize. Did you take it off during a moment of spontaneous banging and forget to put it back on? That’s your fault, NEVER LEAVE A MAN BEHIND.
Your call. Just a warning though — if you choose B, be prepared to see her next guy walking around in your shirt. Can you blame him? It’s an awesome shirt.