My Girlfriend Is Getting Laid More Than Me In Our Open Relationship? I Take Viagra Behind My Girlfriend’s Back?

by 3 years ago
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Q: My relationship with my girlfriend had gotten stale recently and I wanted an open relationship so I could bang other girls. Girls more attractive than my girlfriend flirt with me all the time at bars, so I figured this would be easy. I told my girlfriend it was either we have an open relationship or we break up, and she agreed. Now that it’s open though, SHE’S getting laid all the time and I’M NOT. Turns out the girls at the bar just like flirting, not fucking. I want to close the relationship back up again because this is bullshit, but she says I’m being a prick. What gives?

A: Uh, she says you’re being a prick because you basically FORCED her into having an open relationship so you could bang other chicks, and now that you’re salty about the fact that she can get it and you can’t, you want to close it back up. You see how hypocritical that is? With any luck she’ll just dump you and you can start having sex with no one at all, since clearly she’s can do better than you.

What you SHOULD do but don’t WANT to do, is tell her that you were a selfish, wrong jackass and that if she wants to go back to being monogamous, you would be fine with it. If not, you’re still fine with it. The ball is in her court now since she’s got the obvious upper hand…but since from the sound of it you’re an immature dick, none of this will happen and hopefully she’ll just dump you.

Q: My girlfriend is a bum who lives at her parent’s house. She’s 26. She wants to move in with me and I’d be fine with that, except she doesn’t have a job and is, like I said, a bum. How do I tell her “No” nicely?

A: Say something like “I’d love it if you moved in with me, but with the extra costs of having a second person living there (food, utilities) I don’t think I can afford it on just my income. If you got a job though it’d be perfect!” That way you’re giving her a legitimate excuse as to WHY she can’t move in (it’ll cost too much) and at the same time telling her to get a job, albeit politely.

What do I order for lunch today?

A: Spaghetti!

Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. Probably getting married. She’s hot and I’m still really attracted to her but for the past few months I’ve had a problem getting a stiffy when things start to heat up. It’s gotten to the point where my buddy has been hooking me up with Cialis and I’ve been popping them almost daily. She has no idea I’m juicin. We’re having the best sex we’ve ever had, but should I feel bad its only because of the PEDs?

A: I wouldn’t feel bad about taking the Cialis, I would feel bad about not telling your girlfriend that’s what you’re doing. I mean, she doesn’t HAVE to know – it’s not like it’s really that important, and if you’re embarrassed about it then go ahead and keep it to yourself. If you were juicin’ because your girlfriend does horrible things in bed that make your dick shrivel, then yeah you should tell her…but if it’s purely on you then eh, keep it to yourself. Lots of dudes take erectile dysfunction medication to get it up, so this isn’t anything you should be ashamed of.

Q: My dad caught me jerking off this weekend. Like dick-in-hand, pants around the ankles, amateur vid on screen. Pretty much and open-and-shut case. He let out an audible “Oh!” and turned right around. I’ve been avoiding him ever since. I don’t know whether I should man up and make light of it (“You were young too, right pops? lol lets grab a cold one!) or just cut him out of my life forever. HELP ME.

A: He’s your dad. He’s not going away anytime soon. Throw him a beer, crack an awkward smile and be like “Ha…whoops!” The sooner you get it over with, the better.

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