I Accidentally Shit In My Girlfriend’s Bed And Now She Won’t Talk To Me? And How Do I Make Myself Last Longer In Bed?
Welcome to this week’s Ask A Babe, the column where I hope to Christ everything is made up and the points don’t matter. Seriously, if you feel the need to ask a question like “How do I know if a girl likes me” then you should probably just quit life and pursue a career as a hermit in the woods, because you’re most likely hopeless.
As usual, click here to submit your questions and blah blah words words let’s go!
Q: My girlfriend stuck a finger in my ass as a surprise “pleasure” technique she read in Cosmo. I immediately shit the bed. We haven’t talked since, what do I do?
A: Call her up and apologize for shitting in her bed, but then pin all the blame on her. I mean, you wouldn’t have shat the bed if she hadn’t fingered your butthole, would you have? I hope not. So if she hadn’t gone digging for feces then you wouldn’t have had the whole poopscapade in bed, which means it’s all her fault and you should make sure she knows it. That way the tables have turned and you can be like “Oh it’s okay I forgive you for anally violating me,” rather than having to apologize to her for everything. Just make sure to act like a little bit of it is your fault (hence starting out with a small apology) so she only cries about it for a week rather than a month.
Q: Most of my hookups post break up have happened drunk where my sexual endurance is not an issue. But me and this girl started talking, and I want to have sex with her obviously, but how do I tell her I can’t last longer than a minute sober? Or should I just go for it and hope she isn’t completely turned off?
A: You don’t tell her that, because it’s embarrassing and bizarre and no girl likes sexy time to last 60 seconds flat. Go to Amazon and buy some dick-numbing cream and literally drown your crotch in it beforehand, and then when the two of you start dating/getting serious or whatever THEN you can tell her you’re a total shotgun in the sheets. By that point she’ll like you enough that she won’t care, and you can point out how crafty you were with your dick cream and she’ll think you’re maybe smart.
Just kidding, she probably won’t think you’re crafty but if you sit down and have an honest conversation about it at some point much later down the road she probably won’t care as long as the cream works.
Q: My ex girlfriend is crazy and is basically making it impossible for me to hook up with other girls, she is in a great sorority and everyone knows her. Everyone knows that she’ll go off on you if you try and seem interested in me or were ever interested in me. It’s happened around 3 or 4 times where girls who I hit it off with at first and then I found out a few days later that they won’t text me back because they don’t want to deal with my crazy ex. I am desperate what do I do?
A: Have you ever considered…murder?
But from what I understand murder isn’t for everyone, so if that answer doesn’t strike your fancy then try talking to her. Just be a mature person and say how what she’s doing isn’t fair to you and how it’s actually creepy as hell.
If that doesn’t work you can try telling her sorority sisters that her being a fucking nut is awful PR for the sorority since no one wants to join the chapter full of stalker chicks. Hopefully they’ll do something about it since they’re all on that potentially sinking ship together, then if THAT doesn’t work, just warn every chick that you hook up with that your ex is nuts and to ignore any messages from her because she’s ACTUALLY a fucking freak.
Worst case scenario is that you have to ride this out for a month or two until she calms the fuck down.
Q: How do I know a girl is interested in me if we have been friends for almost 2 years?
A: Is she willing to touch your wiener without making you say “please?” Then she’s interested.
The fact that you’re asking this question in the first place is a surefire sign that she’s not into you. So no.
Q: I used to have a best friend named Todd. He and Jennifer were dating and they were together 3 years. One day I get a call from Todd and he says that he doesn’t love Jen anymore what should he do? I said give it 3 days things will clear up. Turns out Todd had an affair with Jen’s best friend. Should I tell Jen?
A: In situations like this people tend to puss out with the excuse of “Oh it’s none of my business I’m not going to say anything.” Well fuck those people, because you know whose business it is? It’s Jen’s. She should know shit that concerns her, especially when it comes to her boyfriend cheating on her with her bestie-for-restie. You being a pussy and not saying anything is only benefitting you and doing absolutely zilch for Jen, in which case congratulations on being a selfish asshole.
But you’re not a selfish asshole, because you’re going to go tell Jen, right? RIGHT. Glad we agree.
Q: HI. I’m a freshman on a college campus, and I’m conflicted. Number one, I’ve been meeting a lot of females, some of which clicked and others didn’t. However, the ones that clicked always seemed to have tons of guy friends, which could potentially be a big problem. Also, I want a committed relationship, but I also like to party, yet I don’t want my girl to be doing the same shit. As you can see, I’m conflicted on multiple levels.
A: The best course of action here is to take a long, hard look in the mirror and maintain eye contact with yourself as you slowly bend over and insert a giant purple dildo into your asshole and proceed to go fuck yourself.
In other words, you’re not ready for a relationship if you’re controlling enough of a douche to want a double-standard relationship where you can go out and drunkenly hit on chicks while your girlfriend gets to sit home and, I dunno, crochet? Make you sandwiches? Iron your slacks? The only way you can have both is if you wife up some girl that hates partying and likes to be a hermit, but from the way it sounds that’s not the type of chick you’d be into. In that case, you have two options:
1. Get the fuck over yourself and be mature about your girlfriend having fun and partying
2. Don’t get into a relationship
Or the secret third option would be to go and purple dildo yourself…but you already knew that.
Q: Do guys care about how you look down there? One of my inner lips is a bit longer than the other. Not freakishly or anything but I’m very self-conscious about it. My ex mentioned it the first time we had sex and I never forgot it. I’ve even considered surgery. Help! 😦
A: …you are aware that I’m a GIRL, and therefore can’t answer from a male perspective, right? But fine, I’ll ask the other men in the office:
Chris Illuminati: “I’m in my thirties and I’ve never seen a vagina up close unless you count porn. I’ve never looked at a vagina up close. There’s no reason to because they’re incredibly ugly. The only thing uglier than vaginas are dicks. Having an attractive vagina means absolutely zero to guys. I don’t even know if a guy could explain what a nice vagina looked like. So you’re asking me if a knockout 10 had an ugly vag that men would care? Bullshit. Your vagina is fine.
Also, the dude who made that comment, he was trying to deflect his own issues. Did he have a baby dick or maybe he was quick on the draw? Ignore him, he probably masturbates to girl’s Facebook profile photos.”
Jason Cammerota: “First, your ex-boyfriend is a prick. What was his goal with that comment? It’s not as if you could snap your fingers like some kind of vaginal sorcerer and retract the excess slack on the lip. Ninety-nine percent of men are selfish enough lovers that they won’t notice this issue, but it sounds to me that at this point surgery might be the only thing that makes you less self-conscious about it.”
Take whatever you want from that.
See y’all fuckers next week.
[Header image via Shutterstock]