A Guide to How Drunk You Can Get In 11 Different Social Situations
In general, it’s probably not the best idea to get that drunk at work. Of course, this all depends on your office environment. So let’s say, if you ever see beer in your fridge at work, you can go with buzzed, but if you never see any beer there go with “eh, have a beer” or you’ll be out on the street soon enough.
Drunkness Scale: Slightly buzzed
Family time is usually awkward time. What’s one of the best ways to ever alleviate an awkward situation? Get drunk. Then it’s only awkward for the sober people at the party! And honestly, who gives a shit about them.
Drunk Scale: Solidly Drunk
A College Rock and Roll History Class
Let’s face it: If you’re in this class, you’re a senior in college. You only took this class because it’s f*cking called “Rock and Roll History.” No one takes this class seriously. This final is probably at 2 pm or later in the afternoon, so make sure you get over to your favorite bar for at least 4 shots and a few beers before you go and take this test. I mean, even if you’re sober you’ll still probably get the same score on this shit. Also, any rock star in history would approve of you being really drunk for this.
Drunk Scale: Relatively Wasted
We all know the only reason that we like going to weddings is to attend and throw up – fall down – wake up next to the bride’s sister’s cousin drunk. The only way you’ll be able to give a good (read: terribly embarrassing) speech is to have 10+ drinks at the open bar ( and if it’s not open bar, get away from that wedding ASAP. Dry weddings are the stupidest events ever because — what the hell? — It’s a wedding. It better be open bar
Drunk Scale: Absolutely Shithammered
Now this is tricky. Most people would say you should be the most sober one because it’s your best friend’s birthday. But all the smart people know that’s the significant other’s responsibility. The best friend’s responsibility is to get as (or perhaps) more drunk than the birthday boy/gal so that any idea had is the greatest fucking idea of all time. Go bungee jumping wasted with these models we just met in an alley? OF COURSE that’s a great idea.
Drunk Scale: Falling down, get me to some goddamn pizza before I pass the hell out
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High School Reunion:
The whole point of reuniting with your old high school buddies, acquaintances or enemies is to completely one-up them in every way. Oh, really, you work for that company? You stayed in town? Oh, why yes, I do live in New York City. Oh, good you’ve heard of the company. Yes, it’s a Fortune 500, of course. So, our advice: Get wasted and make the stories even grander. Make that small studio you live in into a grand penthouse in TriBeCa. Make that girl you’re dating a model. If she's single and didn't pop out any babies yet, it's prime time to make a move on the cute girl in your chemistry class you never took a shot at. And, of course, if you’re the one who is stuck in town and working a shitty job, just get as ridiculously drunk as possible.
Drunk Scale: On top of the world, party drunk.
If you have the luxury of going to a theatre that allows you to bring in beer, then by all means get sloppy. For us “normies” that have to go to our local AMC or whatever the hell it is, we have to be a little more careful. We’d advise getting tipsy. What you need to do is bring in a flask or some sort of concealable water bottle. Buy one of the extremely overpriced coke products and then once you get into the dark theater, begin the mixing process. Be wary of those high school student ushers that will be coming around trying to spoil anyone and everyone’s fun. Once you make the pour into the soda, you are good to go. Also beware that you will miss a lot of the movie due to the multiple trips to the bathroom, but who gives a shit…you’re tipsy.
Drunk Scale: Tipsy
Little Sibling’s Sports Game
Whether you like it or not, your little brother or little sister looks up to you. They pretty much think you are cool no matter what you do. So why not show them the fun of drinking. I’m not saying get trashed and hit on all the soccer moms at the game, I’m saying bring a flask and cheer your fucking head off. Your sibling will think it’s hilarious and so will their friends. This would be classified as “silly drunk.” You are like the clown for the little kids, so get silly drunk, you drunk clown. The only thing you have to watch out for now is all those kids assuming you’ll be the supplier of the alcohol throughout their high school career.
Drunk Scale: Silly Drunk
Courtney’s “Classy” Dinner Party:
This is the kind of legendary drunk that you get just to spite someone. One of your girlfriends decides to have a “Classy” Dinner Party. This means that she wants you to dress up and stay relatively sober. This is clearly not going to happen. Our suggestion is to pre game as much as possible before even showing up for the “classy” dinner party. You’re a wreck, but you’re also hilarious.
Drunk Scale: Spiteful Pissy Drunk
Why the hell are you even here? I’m assuming you can’t remember which means you are well on your way to how drunk you should be if you ever find yourself at a rollerskating rink. ou should be drunk enough that you are able to muster up the courage to actually where rollerskates, or god forbid rollerblades, and join everyone out there. Let’s not forget that skating is a little difficult though, so don’t completely lose control of your motor skills. You need to ride that fine line of blacking out while still being able to walk. Once you’ve hit that point, jump in and start doing the chicken dance and/or the Dougie.
Drunkness Scale: Rolling Blackouts
Completely and utterly trashed. As Kevin McAllister would say, “Two? Make it three, I’m not driving.” Get a seat near the back of the bus and go wild. No matter if it is a 9 hour bus ride or a 30 minute bus ride, you will need booze. Ignore that “no drinking” sign and crack open a cold one. You think the driver really cares? Hell, he’s most likely walking to the back at every stop light to clink his 40oz. with yours.
Drunkness Scale: Trashed